In November last year, I found out that I was pregnant. Jonah and I were not ready to have the baby so we decided to get rid of it. “I know a place,” he said, “They will do it quickly and you won’t have any complications.” I wanted it out so I followed him. When we got there, the man in charge of the procedure requested payment before service. Jonah said he would pay via MoMo. So the man took my phone and dialled his number on it and said, “Call out this number to your boyfriend when he is ready to send the money.”

When my man was ready to send the money he asked for my phone. I held it tightly and said, “I will just mention the numbers to you instead.” He tried to yank the phone out of my hands but I pulled it away. “Why won’t you just give the phone to me?” He demanded. I tightened my grip and said, “The man didn’t ask me to give you my phone so I won’t do that.”

Before I could say something else, I heard Wham! He slapped me. His hands are thick and heavy so I felt the pain so badly that I started screaming, “Did you just hit me?” The doctor who was supposed to perform the procedure heard the commotion and came out. When he saw what Jonah did he asked, “If you slapped her here in public because of this little misunderstanding, then what do you do when you are alone with her?” The answer to that question is why I am here today.

Jonah has always had the belief that he is not good enough for me. He always tells me that I will leave him when someone better comes my way. No matter how many times I assured him that I wouldn’t leave, he is still insecure. Because of this, he has gotten physical with me several times in the past. The moment we disagree on something, he would hit me.

When he hits me, I would ignore him for a month or two. He would also ignore me until he starts missing me, and then he’d come back and apologize. By the time he comes back, I would be ready to take him back. This has been the pattern in our relationship for the past three years. He would get angry and hit me, then we would ghost each other until he comes to apologize.

When things are not chaotic between us, things are really good. He would play the part of a perfect boyfriend. Sometimes I even get so overwhelmed by the kind of love he pours on me. It’s one of the things that make me take him back. I would think about how angelic he is when he is not angry, and I’d convince myself that if I do my best not to provoke him, we will always be good.

Along the line, I learned that there is nothing I can do to stop him from hitting me. Whenever he talks about marriage and our future, I panic. I think about spending the rest of my life with a man who expresses his displeasure through his fists, and my heart fights to break through the bars of my ribs. This is a man who hit me when I was pregnant. I know what I did was a sin but I am thankful that I got rid of the pregnancy.

Once, I asked him, “Are you sure that if we get married you won’t continue to beat me?” He answered, “I am working really hard on it. And I trust that I will change very soon. It’s just a matter of time.”

I know he won’t change. People like him never do. But I am also afraid that he will hurt me if I leave him. He has said this to me several times and I believe him. So I put in place a plan to get him out of my life for good. I figured if I travel out of the country, he won’t come after me. That’s how I secretly started working on my travel documents.

My plan was going smoothly until just this past Thursday. I went to meet him to give him some items I bought for him. When I was leaving, I left my phone in the plastic bag the items were in. I only realized my mistake when I entered a car.

I had a password on my phone so I shouldn’t panic, right? Wrong. Jonah is an IT guy so I knew I was screwed. All my travel plans were on my phone. The last WhatsApp message I had received was a document that contained everything I was doing. I was officially screwed.

Out of panic, I started calling him. I wanted to play it cool and ask him to meet me with the phone. I called several times but he didn’t pick up. I called my phone too but he didn’t pick up. I had to pick a car back to where I met him. I got there and he wasn’t there. He told me earlier that he was going to eat dinner at his mother’s house, so I continued my search there. I didn’t find him there either.

At that point, it dawned on me that he must have gone to hide somewhere to go through my phone. That’s the only reason he would pass up on dinner at his mother’s house. We don’t go through each other’s phones so why should he even do that?

The next place I went to was his place. I got there to find that his gate was locked. He never locks his gate so I knew he was in there. I knocked and knocked and knocked till my knuckles hurt. I knew he was definitely going through my phone at this point so I didn’t relent.

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When he eventually came out, he was murmuring. “Only you know what you are hiding on your phone that you are running around looking for me. Take it.” After he gave it to me, I turned around and practically run out of there. I took the phone and noticed that the password was disabled. I was so afraid that I almost cried.

He called me when I was on my way until I got home but I didn’t pick up. As I am sharing this story, I still haven’t answered any of his calls. He has sent me text messages but I haven’t read them either. The glimpses of the messages I saw say he has seen all my travel documents and plans. He has expressed his hurt and disappointment. Truly, if he hadn’t seen it I wouldn’t have told him anything. He would have woken up one day to find out that I am gone. That’s what is hurting him the most.

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As I said, I haven’t read the messages so I don’t know how much information he found on the phone before I got to him. Now that he knows what I am planning unless I run. Whatever he will do to me when he gets the chance will not be good. I fear for my life. I want to tell him that I have had enough of his abuse and that I am done, but that will only make things worse. If I don’t tell him anything too, he will keep trying to reach me so we talk about what he found.

Most importantly, I am terrified of what might happen if my plans don’t come to fruition and I remain in this country. I didn’t think it was possible to be so afraid of someone you love until I met Jonah. I feel trapped in this vicious cycle with him, and my only way out has been exposed. Please how do I handle this situation and still come out alive? What can I do to get him out of my life for good?

—Adwoa

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