My ex died a week ago, and it hasn’t been easy for me, especially when I don’t know how to mourn him freely without being questioned. He’s not just an ex. We had a daughter together. Though we couldn’t marry, he was such an exceptional dad to our daughter. He sent child support without me asking. He went to the girl’s school to watch her act and also attended PTA meetings when my job schedule didn’t allow it.
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Our girl is currently nine years old, but this guy never relented when it came to supporting her. My husband was cool with it. It’s something we talked about before marriage. We drew the boundaries together and stuck to them, so he was never in our way. If anything, my husband also respected him very well and gave him enough room to play his role as a father.
He was sick for a week. I knew it. He called to tell me when he couldn’t come to pick up the girl: “I’m not doing well lately. I will be at the hospital today, so I can’t come for Daisy.”
The day he was admitted, he called to tell me. When it got worse, his sister called to inform me. I couldn’t visit him. I didn’t know how to do it without going against the same boundaries my husband and I had set. I wanted to go and see him, not out of love but on humanitarian grounds. I couldn’t go until I got the message about his demise.
I couldn’t cry openly, and I couldn’t mourn respectfully. I felt my husband was looking at me, assessing my reaction to the news. I was calm but burning inside. When he asked me if I was going to tell Daisy anytime soon, I shook my head. If I had opened my mouth, I would have cried.
Now everyone I talk to is telling me I can’t mourn him openly because my sorrow would mean disrespect to the happiness my husband is trying to create in our home. Adwoa said, “How would you cry because an ex died? Do you want your husband to look at you from the side of his eyes?”
They say I can’t even attend the funeral because he was an ex—he died to me before his actual death. It was Akos who said I should talk to my husband about it and be honest about my feelings. She said I should think through every step with him, but I don’t know how to do that without tears falling.
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I’ve pushed every sadness up my chest, where it can’t fall. Talking about it will let it out easily, and I may look foolish in front of my husband. What do you suggest? Should I listen to Akos? Should I take Adwoa’s advice and pretend it doesn’t hurt? What would you do if you were in my shoes?
—Juliet
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Hi Juliet,
Sorry on the death of your ex.To the best of my knowledge,i do t think it’s right for you to mourn him while still in your husband house,it’s a disrespect.I understand u have a daughter for him,u just pray and remember him in your quiet time but make it obvious to your husband.Uts a difficult situation but u handle in a matured way.Gid rest his soul and be with you Talk to your husband on how he will play fatherly role for your daughter Beat wishes.
I don’t think it’s wrong for you mourn him in ur own Little way according to you he’s been a great baby Father while alive and the least you can do in according him last respect is to mourn and attend his funeral with his daughter and possibly ur husband I think by doing this his family will know you’re a good woman and will appreciate ur husband for the goodwil
He wasn’t just an ex, you guys have a daughter together! It might seem disrespectful to openly mourn his demise but you should be excused to grieve especially as there wasn’t bad blood between you guys and you should definitely be allowed to attend his funeral to pay your last respect as a mother to his child.
Should it always be the case that exes should be enemies?
The fact that the relationship couldn’t thrive does not give room for enemity.
Besides, you have a child with him.
Mourning the father of your daughter is no crime.
You also have to attend the funeral.
But please discuss it with your hubby.
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Just discus it with your husband
This man is the father of your daughter. Have you informed your husband about your ex’s demise? What is his reaction. Don’t act super human. He’s the father of your daughter. Your husband is also a human. Discuss whatever you want to do with your husband. The two of you can attend the funeral together to mourn with the family. As a man, he will understand. He already share your pain that is why he asked you if you will tell the child. Don’t pretend all is well with you. How long will you suppress your pain and keep the news from the child. She’s 9yrs and understand death. Tell now before she becomes disappointed when she finds out from outsiders.
madam he being your ex does not mean he is not a human being ,one thing I learnt from nana ama is that she, not being with the husband does not mean they are enemies so if you feel sorry for his death you have every right to cry shout whatever you want to do ,do it if you want to go for the funeral go for the funeral don’t let anyone decide for you talk to your husband and go he will understand