I know relationships are never easy. Whichever path you choose will come with its own challenges. But I also believe that, at the very least, there should be joy and partnership along the way.

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I’m 29 and currently single. I’m hoping to meet someone I can journey through life with, but I’m not under any pressure so I’m not desperate. Nonetheless, I have a few unanswered questions about marriage.

I consider myself a homebody. I’m not perfect, but I try to do what’s right. I am homely. That’s the easiest thing people notice about me. I easily cook, clean, and keep a home. The only thing I don’t like doing is laundry. I know how to do it, but I often feel reluctant.

Looking back, I’m starting to wonder if the kind of men I attract think I’m either too domestic or not smart enough to know what I deserve.

My first ex told me point-blank that if he’s home and I’m washing, he wouldn’t mind helping. But when he’s not around, I have to carry the cross alone. We did that twice, and that was it.

Along the line, he said it was my job to do the laundry because I am the woman. I didn’t complain. I wanted the relationship to work so I washed his clothes whenever I was there.

Over time, he grew entitled. One day, I fell ill and couldn’t do his laundry. This guy said I was being lazy. Another time, I used his bathroom during my period. He insisted I scrub it. I was having cramps but he didn’t care. He repeated it until I did it.

Whenever I went to his place, I would meet dirty dishes piled up for days. He expected me to clean them whenever I visited. On days I refused he would tell me, “You are not a marriage material.” Eventually, we broke up.

After that experience, I decided to just accept my role as a wife material so I could keep the next man.

When I did start dating the next guy, I scrubbed like I lived there. I did everything, even treated washing like a hobby. I expected him to join me keep his own place clean but he never did.

Also, he insisted on regular sex. We did it a few times, but at some point I told him, “I will feel more comfortable doing it with you at this rate if we were married.” He got angry and said, “It won’t be fun in marriage because of all the responsibilities. This is our time to enjoy it.” After many fights concerning the subject, we broke up.

Then came the third man. I still played the wife material role. When he asked for intimacy, I allowed him to touch me twice. I was sure we were fine until he asked why I was holding myself back from him when he was so into me. I shared my past experiences with him, hoping he’d understand. Instead, he said that if I couldn’t give it to him as often as he wanted then he’d leave. I thought he was joking but after some arguments, we broke up.

The fourth guy didn’t get much from me in terms of housework. But eventually, I gave in and he ate the cookie once. Afterward, he kept insisting that if I loved him, we should keep doing it. I told him I couldn’t.

“You are the fourth man I am dating. I need to be sure you are serious about me before I give myself to you like that.”

“Even if I come to perform the knocking rites, will you still hold back until marriage?”

“Yes.”

He asked why. I explained that knocking is not marriage. He got angry. That relationship ended too.

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Now, there’s a new man in my DMs. He seems gentle and sincere, but I don’t want to rush into anything. I really want to wait and abstain. But I also want to know: what kind of conversations should I have with a potential partner before saying yes?

Because I know that at some point in marriage, I’ll need my husband to assist with chores. I’m not even talking about 50/50. I’m talking about help when I’m sick, when I travel, or during pregnancy. I don’t want a home with assigned gender roles. I want real partnership.

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These men fall in love with my home training but forget that I need rest and pampering too. I work hard and make my own money. I rarely bother them financially, and when they give, I accept it. But moving forward, I want to be more intentional.

Should we talk about money, sex, and home management before I agree to be someone’s girlfriend? And how do I bring these topics up without sounding like I am getting ahead of myself or that I am difficult? I just need some sisterly advice.

—Tilda

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