My boyfriend talks a lot. In a world that believes talking a lot is the place of a woman, my boyfriend, as a man, talks so much, a yapper. He talks about football, cars, political party is better. Sometimes, when he is talking, I just tune him out while I hum a song in my head. He talks about the future, like he knows what lies in it, like he is sure he is going to be part of it. He is passionately discussing a future that includes me. Me and my baby.

I am a fashion designer, running a little business on the side, and a student too. I wear all these crowns while singlehandedly taking care of my child.

When my boyfriend came knocking at my door with love at the core of his heart, I took a step back.

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Love is a beautiful thing to experience. I have experienced it firsthand, but I didn’t think it was worth giving another chance especially after what my ex-boyfriend especially did. He promised me earth, the heavens, joy and laughter, and when a child came into the scene, he ran away. He said, “I do not have the strength for it” and walked away. I was left to deal with the consequences of both our actions so forgive me if I did not think love was enough then.

I told him straight up and built a tall wall to conquer whatever he may be up to. But he won; Cupid threw its arrow through the walls and hit me. That is how I even gathered courage to introduce him to my daughter.

I was there the first time she called him ‘daddy’. He bent down almost in tears and gave her a tight hug. It was just like in the movies; my heart warmed up, and I figured he is the one. He is the one. So, all of a sudden, it didn’t feel too bad to give love another chance.

My boyfriend works in a good company and earns more than a decent salary. He dresses sharply and smells like an Arabian prince. That is why I am confused about some of the things he is doing. Everything he says about the future contradicts what he is doing. We often hear that we should not throw off the signs; otherwise, you will see wonders. In the next 2 years or so I do not want to see wonders; that is why I am bothered.

“So, when do you suggest I come and see your parents?” “My mom wants to meet you.” He says all of these things but is very stingy with his faith.

One day, we were chatting when I mentioned how good God is. I was taken aback when he asked, “Is God really good?” When I asked him, he said something flimsy about how Christians take God too seriously. “But you go to church; is that what they tell you?” He just chuckled and said, “Ah, you paa if not for my pastors and cell leaders, kraa, what would I do there?”

He has personal issues with the way Christians behave, that life is not that spiritual as we take it. And my life with him flashed before my own eyes. I am not a saint, but over the years I have grown closer to God, and I have a fair idea of how I want my home to be raised. Morning devotions and a husband who prays over the family and who anoints his children every now and then.

Then there is also my belief that marriage is a three-stranded cord: you, the husband and the Holy Spirit. It can only work with God in between. He has his own. If both partners are not standing firm—praying together, trusting God, and believing through challenges—it’s easy to watch the marriage fall apart. I desire a marriage where we can pray together, accept situations with faith, and overcome issues as a team—not one where one person carries the faith or where blame is constantly shifted. I firmly believe that one person alone cannot sustain a marriage. I don’t want to be the only one trusting God and believing for better days while my partner doubts everything.

The other thing that rubs me the wrong way throughout this relationship is the fact that he has never supported me financially. Not even once. He visits me empty-handed and leaves without offering a single penny. Sometimes, 50 Ghana cedis. He barely comes home bearing gifts for my daughter but leaves with a full stomach

Sometimes I share with him my plans and how I could be suffering to make ends meet with this particular project, and all he does is keep quiet. He hasn’t offered to help me in any way. He doesn’t even ask the question, “How can I help?” That would have at least given me the chance to say, “It’s alright, babe; I’ve got this.”

I believe sometimes you don’t have to do so much for the person you love. Just the thought alone is everything. That’s what I have been expecting from my man, but so far I have seen nothing.

Then there are moments when he promises to help and when the day comes he fails to do it. He doesn’t come up with an apology or explanation; we just call it a day and move on with it. It has occurred like three times now.

I know he is a good man. Apart from his stinginess, I honestly have no complaints. He’s quiet, observant, checks up on me regularly through calls and texts, and always tells me his whereabouts and plans.

So far, I only have one theory about this. Part of me feels maybe he doesn’t want to spend because we’re not married yet, but what if it continues after marriage? I’ve also learned that men usually spend on those they truly cherish, and this has made me question whether this relationship is worth fighting for.

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

I am not expecting the world; I am expecting a man who thinks I am a good fit for his wife to step up and help when it comes to monetary issues.

I expect the man I may marry to be the kind of man who does not ask for his balance when I return from the market. I am scared that if we marry, he might leave all the responsibilities on me. The married women here, are my concerns valid? Might it be possible that his behaviour will change once we are married? I want to understand if his behaviour is a red flag.

—Philomina

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