Dear Little Me,

It is with gladness of mind and soul that I write you this letter. Life hasn’t been easy, and life hasn’t been rosy, but they say, life is not a bed of roses so we can’t complain. Darling, I admit you have made a lot of mistakes. Some of which, you cannot fix but it’s okay. We can’t change the past or spend the rest of our lives wallowing in regret, pain, and self-pity. Life goes on, so we move.

Growing up, you were scared of the things mama had to do to survive. You didn’t want to be anything like her. You vowed; “I will not repeat my mother’s mistakes. I promise not to have a child out of wedlock. To be safe, I will abstain from sex completely until marriage.” Because abstaining was better than engaging in any activity that would leave you with an unwanted pregnancy. And then you would be saddled with raising a child as a single mother like mama did or I would end up getting rid of the pregnancy like the way mama got rid of all her unwanted pregnancies. How many did she have? It doesn’t matter, we lost count after some point. All that you remember was her explanations every time she did it, “I know this is wrong but I have to do it. If not I will be adding another responsibility to my already existing burdens.” We never knew if the explanations were meant for us or if they were meant for her.

Baby, I saw how you struggled as a little girl to bring food to the table on days mama wasn’t well. Life was rough, but you trusted God to step in and make things better. But then daddy died and things went from frying pan to fire. You didn’t have anyone any more than your poor mother who couldn’t stay in good health for long. You fought so hard to be good. You wanted to stick to your vow but we live in a world where men would promise to help a struggling child out of a difficult situation, in exchange for a pound of flesh. You didn’t want to do it but did you have a choice? I watched you let the man feel you up as he whispered, “You are a nice girl. If you let me put it inside I will give you more money.” But you shook your head and said, “No, I am not ready to do that yet.” So he would do everything to you but stick it in and later hand you a few cedi notes. It was not enough money but it bought food for you and mama so you took it.

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I can still hear echoes of your silent prayers, “God, forgive me for what I did with Mr Koomi. You know mama is sick and the bills keep piling up. So I had to do it to eat and buy her drugs. I am sorry that I lied to mama about where I got the money. It would crush her if she found out the truth so I told her the money was a gift. Lord, this is not the life I want. Please, deliver me from it.” I am sure God forgave you but you weren’t so kind to yourself. You kept beating yourself up for the things you had to do to survive. And when life got better for you, you expected to finally have a happy ending. But the men came into your life with promises of happiness and left you without any explanations. You were always so sad and kept asking yourself, “Is God punishing me for everything I did when I was a little girl? I was a bad girl so maybe I don’t deserve happiness.” It was not easy for me to teach you that God does not hold grudges against repentant hearts.

When you finally accepted that God was not punishing you, you started asking if there was something wrong with you. It didn’t make sense when Kofi, a man you loved dearly, promised you forever but went ahead to marry another woman. You didn’t know about it till he called you bearing apologies. You were crashed but you moved on. Then came Kweku, you were sure that he was the one until you heard that he was getting married to another girl. “Why did you do this? Is there something so wrong with me that you chose another girl over me?” He hated himself for what he did to you but that didn’t take away your pain. He said he was sorry but that did not take away the pain either. I remember how you always cried and asked God, “When will this be over?”

It’s My Brother Who Helps My Husband To Cheat On Me–Beads Media 

By God’s grace, you healed from everything you’ve been through. And I love the woman you have become. Yes, you made mistakes but life goes on. I am sorry for the times I forced you to do anything against your will. You never wanted to repeat your mother’s mistakes but when things were tough, you made some difficult choices. We are not where we want to be yet but hold, we get there soon.

–Baby

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