Dear Belda,

It is me, one of your oldest friends. I know we are still friends. This means I could have told you everything I am going to put in this letter. Oh, but I can’t. So allow me to find refuge behind these words. My only hope is that you receive them in good faith. I am writing to you because I have sensed a shift in our friendship. I am not sure if you’ve sensed it too but even if you haven’t, I will show you.

It all started during the COVID-19 period. I want to believe that the lockdown forced us to become close. I know you might argue that we knew each other in JHS so we were already close, but dear, we weren’t. You were the school’s girls’ prefect so I was too shy to get close to you. Even before that, you were friends with a group of girls who carried themselves around as though they were far ahead in life than the rest of us.

I know that after we left school, we kept in touch but we didn’t properly talk. It was the usual, “Hello… how are you? I am just checking up on you.” Do you remember? Things were still a bit awkward between us then. All those times, I was working up the courage to confess that I had always crushed on you, but I couldn’t.

Even as the years went by, and I saw you grow into a beautiful young woman, I still couldn’t tell you how I felt. There were other girls close to me but I couldn’t see them. It is you who was afar that I desired. I almost gave up hope until the lockdown session began. Everyone was bored. Some people were miserable. You and I, we found purpose in each other’s company.

Your beauty, brilliance, how hard you work, and amazing personality occupy my mind most of the time. Every time I think about you, I smile and say a prayer of thanks to God for bringing you into my life. It is a surprise that someone as awesome as you are friends with me. You know how shy and laid back I can get sometimes.

I never told you this, but when we were kids I used to walk from my house to your neighbourhood. All I wanted to do was walk by your house and catch a glimpse of you. But your grandma’s strict nature was known by all of us. And I feared what she would do to me if she saw me hanging around the house. So I would just hover around the neighbourhood in hopes of running into you. In hindsight, I could have just called or texted you. I admit, I was a foolish child.

This is why it meant so much to me when we found comfort in each other’s company during one of the darkest times in history. We talked every day. We would chat from morning till evening and make phone calls in between. Nothing was off-topic. Sometimes we laughed a lot. Sometimes we let silence sit between us. There were times we fought too. I remember that time you asked me to sing for you. I was shy but what won’t a man do for a woman he likes?

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Unbeknownst to me, Agnes was there with you. And when I sang, she laughed and said my voice was awful. I remember how embarrassed I felt. I was so upset that we fought about it. I didn’t think our friendship could survive that fight but it did. Now, when I look back at those moments I laugh.

There are also moments I remember and cringe. I was so foolish. I am talking about the day your sister called me. She asked, “What are your intentions toward my sister? Do you love her?” That was the perfect time for me to come clean with my feelings but I was too cowardly to do it. I blurted out no, before I could think straight. I didn’t know you were listening to the conversation. You were so hurt when I denied how I felt. I want to take this opportunity to say I am sorry. I should have been honest.

Belda, I don’t want to keep hiding in the shadows pretending I only love you as a friend. As we’ve already established, I am not courageous enough to say it to your face. That’s why I am using this medium to reach you. I know you will see this. However you receive this message is fine with me. All that matters to me is that you know I am in love with you. You are my everyday crush. My heartbeat accelerates when I see your videos and photos on my WhatsApp status.

Know that whether or not you reciprocate my feelings, I only want you to be happy and have the best things in life. Whatever happens in our future, you will forever be in my heart.

Love always,

—Lewy

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