I completed SHS when I was 16. I had the curiosity of a cat and the body of a woman. At 16 I could pass for a full-grown woman. With my wide hips and my big butt, I turned heads everywhere I went. Fred was one of the men who fell at my feet. He was 25 at the time but I didn’t mind the age gap. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know each other. After a while, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him so I said yes. We agreed to save ourselves for marriage and we tried as much as possible to keep things clean between us.

When I turned seventeen, my curiosity got the best of me. Fred and I had done intimate and physical things but I still remained unbroken. I started imagining how it would feel like if we went all the way. I spent time fantasizing about it. The more heated things got between us the more agonizing it became for me. The fact that I wasn’t getting the full experience became painful and stressful.

I told Fred, “Babe I know we agreed to save it for marriage but can we try it now? We can eat it and still marry, right? Let’s get into it already.” I didn’t have to try hard to convince him. He jumped into it and we got it done. It was like unlatching a barrier and letting a dam loose. In the beginning, I thought it was normal to feel such strong desires for shuperu the way I did. After some time, I realized I may be wrong.

Things didn’t work out between Fred and me. We broke up before I went to the university.

At the university, I met someone else and we started dating. He wasn’t on campus with me and that left me miserable anytime I had the urge for shuperu. After the first semester, I proposed to one of my coursemates; “I know you like me and I like you too. The thing is, I already have a boyfriend but I don’t mind doing it with you.”  He agreed to be friends with benefits with me so we went right into it. The guy was really good, he knew his way around the female body and did his best to make me satisfied.

He was good, I can testify to that fact but somehow, his skills were not enough to keep me from wanting more. I started dating someone from a different department just so I could sleep with him too. After a while, I added my male best friend to the squad of men I run to whenever I needed someone to scratch my itch.  When I got used to having him in the mix, I moved to another man who was married. This married man had mind-blowing skills so I got stuck to him longer than I had intended. In fact, it took the intervention of his wife and my family for me to let him go.

After the married man, it was just my best friend for a while. We met every weekend and he did a good job on me but no matter how well he did with me, there was always a deep hole that needed to be filled. Everyone was good but they didn’t feel enough for me. I met another guy and started dating him. The thing is, some women will stretch their men for months before allowing them to touch their bodies. I don’t have that energy to keep stretching the men who come into my life. Three days into my relationship with this new guy and we were doing it. I wasn’t happy about my actions. I reflected on the things I was doing with my life and felt bad about myself.  I wanted a change of direction. I wanted to grow steadfast and be able to say no to men. I wanted to at least keep to one man at a time.

I told myself, “Maybe the reason I can’t keep my legs closed is because of how easily men get access to me. I should leave Accra for a while and see if things will change.”

I left Accra and went to live in a small town in another region. I tried my best to control myself when I was in that town. I was a stranger so I had to learn to behave myself before things catch fire. I tried my best but the longest I could hold on for was one month. Yes, that’s the record. I went one month without giving in but it felt like I’d been starved all my life. After a month, I caved in. Before I realized, I had two men in my life. It was such a small town but I managed to get myself two men and played them along without each of them knowing what was going on. It’s a messed-up life, I know.

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A life ruled by desires for shuperu is indeed a messed-up life, especially for a lady as young as me. But it’s wild whenever I’m in the mood. I get a severe headache accompanied by dizziness and heartburn. No amount of painkillers works. The only thing that makes me feel better is shuperu. I started working a part-time job not too long ago and already I have a crush on my boss. He’s married but that doesn’t scare me. I am hoping I don’t end up sleeping with him and adding to my body count. At 21, I’ve had fourteen partners and I came close to adding a catholic priest to the list. I am tired of this lifestyle. As I’m writing this, I have a man who cherishes and adores me. He is five years older than me yet he treats me with respect and worships the ground I walk.

I love him too but that hasn’t stopped me from cheating on him. He has caught me cheating on him with my best friend on two occasions. The second time was really sad. He cried and asked me why I keep hurting him. I felt really bad and tried to break up with him because I knew I was going to cheat on him again. He didn’t let me leave. He begged me to stay. We’ve been together for over a year and I’ve cheated on him with six different guys. At this point, I’m scared he will catch me again and break up with me. I’ve come to love him so much and I don’t think losing him would be easy.

I keep telling myself, “I won’t cheat on him again. He is a good man and everything I want. I will be faithful to him.” They say if you keep repeating something to yourself, it manifests in your life. I’ve spoken faithfulness into my life every day but I end up in bed with someone else every time. At this point, I’ll be surprised if I get a negative result when I take an HIV test. It’s that bad.

One of my biggest fear right now is how I’m going to handle marriage when it finally comes. If I’m not able to slay my demon, I will get married to my boyfriend and continue cheating on him.  I might even get pregnant from somewhere else and bring it home to him. Just imagine making my husband father someone else’s child. I think of it and I get scared. I need help before this life I’m living brings me down on my knees.

Is there any medicine I can take or diets I can go on to kill this excessive drive for shuperu? I am tired of allowing these desires to drive my life wherever they please. I need to get hold of myself and be a woman I can be proud of.

–Efe

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