I’m the second wife in a polygamous marriage, and the interesting thing is that my husband’s first wife was the one who chose me. She knew me before I married her husband. We had interacted on several occasions, and when the issue of her husband taking another wife came up, she recommended me.

We’ve been married for three years now, and I can confidently say that I have never had a serious problem with my husband’s first wife.

I respect her because she came before me. I don’t try to compete with her or make her feel that I’ve come to take her position. She also treats me with respect. When I need advice, I sometimes go to her. We visit each other, share food and help each other when necessary.

Our problem is our husband.

For reasons I don’t understand, this man is uncomfortable with the peaceful relationship between his two wives.

He constantly tries to show me more affection than he shows his first wife, especially when we’re together. Sometimes he deliberately praises me in her presence and compares things I do with what she does.

One afternoon, we were all eating together when he told his first wife, “You see how she serves me? That’s how a woman should treat her husband.”

I was embarrassed. I quickly told him I learned the way to serve him from his first wife and that he shouldn’t compare us. He became angry. Later, he accused me of disrespecting him in front of his senior wife. I explained that I simply didn’t want her to feel bad because of me.

Sometimes he buys me things and deliberately announces the price when she’s around. Other times, he makes comments suggesting that I’m more affectionate or obedient. I’ve complained several times, but he never listens.

One day, he told me his first wife had complained that I was receiving more money than her. I felt terrible, so I called her to discuss it. She was surprised. She told me our husband had rather informed her that I was complaining about how much money he gave her.

We compared what he had told us and realised he had been lying to both of us. We decided to speak to him together. His ego was bruised. He accused us of conniving against him and trying to undermine his authority.  Somehow, he believes if he allows us to be too close, we would eventually join forces against him.

What Caused The Breakup Between You And Your Ex?

Since that conversation, I’ve noticed that anytime we spend time together, he becomes suspicious. If we laugh about something, he wants to know what we’re discussing. If one of us disagrees with him, he assumes the other has influenced her.

I’m becoming worried because I believe he’s deliberately trying to create hatred between us. I love my husband, and I respect my senior wife. I don’t want to become her enemy simply to make our husband comfortable.

But how do you handle a situation like this? A man who seems threatened by the peace between his own wives? Should I distance myself from my senior wife just to protect my marriage?

—Zainab

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