I’ve been married to my husband for thirty-four years. We have three children, all grown now, and two grandchildren. Sometimes, when I tell younger women how long we’ve been married, they ask, “Mummy, how have you managed to stay with him for all these years?”

Some assume I’ve endured a lot of suffering. Others think my husband must be a perfect man. I’ve even had women tell me that I belong to a generation where wives were trained to tolerate everything their husbands did. I laugh when I hear these things because they don’t know my story.

There’s one rule my husband established when we married in 1992. For thirty-four years, neither of us has broken it.

“Whatever decision will affect this marriage, we must both agree to it before it happens.”

That was his rule.

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We had been married for only three weeks when he told me this. We were sitting outside our rented single room when he brought up the subject.

He said, “I’m the husband, and I understand my responsibility as the head of this family. But I don’t want to lead a home where my wife is afraid to speak. If I make a decision that affects you, I must first hear what you think.”

I was twenty-four then. I had grown up watching my father make decisions without consulting my mother. Sometimes she would hear about things affecting the family from outsiders. So when my husband said this, I was happy. But I didn’t understand how important it would become.

Our first serious test came three years into our marriage.

My husband had an opportunity to travel to Germany. His friend had arranged something for him, and everybody around us believed it was an opportunity he shouldn’t miss.

We had just had our first child. I was working, but my salary wasn’t enough to maintain our household comfortably. He came home with the news, expecting me to be excited.

I wasn’t.

The arrangement required him to leave first, settle there and later find a way for us to join him. Nobody could tell us how long that would take.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable raising our child alone for an indefinite period. He was disappointed. For almost two weeks, we discussed it. His friends called me selfish. His elder brother even came to our house to advise me.

He told me, “Your husband has an opportunity to improve his life, and you’re sitting here talking about feelings.”

My husband told his brother, “She’s the one who will live with the consequences of my decision. You won’t be here helping her raise our child.”

Eventually, he declined the opportunity.

For some years, whenever money became difficult, I wondered whether I had prevented him from becoming successful. One day, I apologised.

He asked, “Did you force me to stay?”

I said no.

He replied, “Then stop carrying the blame for a decision we made together.”

That conversation has stayed with me.

Years later, I also had to submit to that same rule when it was inconvenient for me.

My younger brother got into financial trouble. He had borrowed money for a business that failed, and the people he owed were threatening him. My mother called me crying. She begged me to help him and said I shouldn’t involve my husband because men sometimes became difficult when their wives supported their families.

At that time, my husband and I had been saving to complete our house. My mother wanted me to take part of the money and give it to my brother. I was tempted. I loved my brother, and I couldn’t bear the thought of him suffering. I remembered our rule so I told my husband everything.

He listened and asked how much my brother needed. When I mentioned the amount, he shook his head.

“We cannot take that money from the house project. If anything happens, where will we get the money to replace it?”

I was angry. For two days, I barely spoke to him. I thought he didn’t care about my family. Then he sat me down and explained that helping my brother shouldn’t mean putting our own children at risk.

We eventually agreed to give my brother a smaller amount we could afford to lose. My husband even accompanied me to give him the money. My brother was unhappy because it wasn’t enough.

Unfortunately, his business never recovered, and the money we gave him was never returned. Whenever I remember that incident, I thank God I listened to my husband.

But the rule became most meaningful to me when his own family was involved.

His mother became ill and needed someone to care for her. His siblings wanted her to move into our home because they believed I was the most suitable person to look after her. They had already discussed everything among themselves.

One Saturday, they came to inform my husband that their mother would be moving in the following week. My husband said, “I have to discuss this with my wife.”

His elder sister said, “You’re the man. Why should we discuss it with her first? My husband answered, “She’s my wife, and she will be the one doing most of the work. How can you decide something like this without asking her?”

His sister became angry and accused me of controlling her brother. When they left, my husband asked how I genuinely felt about the arrangement. I told him I loved his mother, but I was worried about the responsibility. I was working, managing our home and caring for our youngest child.

We eventually agreed to accommodate his mother, but only after his siblings committed to contributing towards a caregiver. My husband personally arranged the support. His mother stayed with us for several years, and we cared for her until she passed. I never resented her presence because I hadn’t been forced into the arrangement.

We didn’t always get what we individually wanted but neither of us made the other feel that their opinion was worthless. I also learned that submitting to my husband’s leadership didn’t mean agreeing with everything he said. There were times he accepted my advice even when it contradicted his initial decision.

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My husband has led our family for thirty-four years, and I have willingly followed his leadership because he has consistently demonstrated that our marriage is more important to him than his pride.

If I were given another opportunity to marry, I would choose him again. Not because he gave me everything I wanted, but because he never treated my voice as something that didn’t matter.

And if there’s one lesson I want younger couples to take from all this, it’s this:

The easiest man to submit to is the man who understands that being the head of the family makes him responsible for its wellbeing, including the happiness of the woman who has trusted him with her life.

—Maa Beatrice

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