I have dated him for 10 years. Our love story started quite early. And Julius is an amazing man. He soon wants to settle down, talking about the future. The ground on which I walk, he worships and adores. I am saying all this to emphasise how much of a great individual he is.

I am a terrible person. I have met and dated a couple of men during this period. I have slept with them. I was in no way trying to hurt him. I think some part of me wasn’t sure what I wanted, and it was easier to stay quiet than to face that.

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Julius and I have never seen each other’s nakedness. Even when he tries to touch me, I feel the need to vomit. I used to think that we were preserving it for our wedding night because of our religion. Now I realise that’s not the point. The point is, he’s been building a future in his head without the full picture, and that’s not fair to him, no matter how I justify it to myself.

I feel so guilty that I want to do it with him now, but I don’t know how to go about it.

I also want to break up with him because I feel so bad, but I don’t know exactly how to say this to him yet. He will be so heartbroken, but I know I owe him the truth, not more silence.

I want to marry him because he is a good guy, but I don’t find him attractive and I don’t appreciate all he does.

Is There A Man Out There Who Doesn’t Cheat?

Why can’t I love him the way I love other guys? I feel bad for the way I treat him, but I can’t help it. Please, if you must strike me with the hammer of judgment, do it with patience. I needed to get this off my chest.

— Phillipa

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