We are planning to get married very soon. We should have gotten married earlier, but our finances were not good enough to sustain us and keep us going through and through. But now, things are better for us than they used to be, so we are getting ready to take the next step. We have a piece of land in our names and are making plans to start building a home before the children start coming.

I am supposed to be happy. This is every woman’s dream, and my dream of marrying Odame is finally here. But I am carrying a secret that could tear our life apart.

I got an abortion some months ago. When we both waited for the results on the test kit that night, it was a long, hard night. It was a blessing from God, but we didn’t want it. My fiancé didn’t have the resources, and I too didn’t have anything that could even provide for our baby, so we decided to let it go, with the hope that the next one that came would be at a time when we were married and in a better position to have it.

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So I did it. My fiancé was with me, but he wasn’t really with me. There was something terrifying about watching me bleed like that. Every hour, I had to change my pad. The stress, the sight of it, everything affected me. I felt like I was committing a grave sin.

And no matter how much I tried, I could never bring myself to tell my fiancé about how the whole abortion made me feel.

So, I turned to my ex-boyfriend. I wanted us to talk, and he felt like the only person who knew me the way I knew myself. I spoke to him about the baby. I nagged about my fiancé’s little habits, like how he presses the toothpaste from the middle and how he sounds when he eats. I washed my fiancé’s dirty linen in front of him.

I regret running to my ex when things were tough because now, Dickson, my ex, is using those things against me. He is threatening me that he will come and tell my fiancé. If he wants to see me, I have to be there, or he goes bananas. I have to reply to his messages as soon as he texts. He wants me to give him undivided attention, which is not possible. I feel trapped because I don’t know how to get rid of him or break his hold over me.

To make matters worse, communicating with Dickson has become a complete nightmare. We clash constantly, argue over nothing, and emotionally drain each other.

But through all of this, I know one thing for sure. I am completely in love with my fiancé, regardless of everything that has happened.

I didn’t even know how I was going to hide this from my fiancé, but we were caught in the act. He saw a couple of messages we exchanged. He said he was going to report me to the family. I was kneeling, breaking down and begging him before calm was finally restored. He has spared me this time around.

But I know there is a patch in our cloth that nothing on earth can completely mend.

This weekend, I am travelling with my ex-fiancé. I am doing this because I believe it is the only way I can get him completely out of our lives and have a happy marriage. I am going to face this mess once and for all and get him out of my system before I walk down the aisle and belong to my husband forever.

My fiancé thinks I am going for a vacation to clear my head and rest before the wedding stress kicks in. He even packed my bags and kissed me goodbye. I am supposed to update him on every activity of mine while I am there.

Is There A Man Out There Who Doesn’t Cheat?

I keep trying to convince myself that once this weekend is over, I can lock that door, put on my wedding dress, and be a good, faithful wife to the man building a life with me.

But deep down, I am terrified. Please be honest with me: Am I stupidly playing with fire that will burn my whole life down, or is it possible to get an ex out of your system for good and keep a secret like this buried forever? How do I stop my ex from ruining this good thing for me?

—Sandy

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