Three years ago, I came to the USA, but it was only early this year that things finally started to change for me. I got a job.

I met my boyfriend here. He started crawling into my life, and the loneliness I felt here made me open my heart to him. After all, what was the worst that could happen? It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Before long, I started liking him too. His presence gave me the comfort and companionship I desperately needed in a place that often felt lonely.

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We were getting to know each other when his asylum case was denied. An asylum case is a legal process through which someone seeks protection in the United States and, if granted, can remain in the country instead of being removed to their home country. He was devastated and worried, and the situation started taking a toll on what we were building together.

 

I love him, so I promised to help him get his documents so that we could be on the same page. The truth is, I already had my legal documents to stay in the country. I got them through a contract marriage. Just three months after I arrived in the USA, I had received the documents I needed, so I didn’t have the same problem he was facing.

He was the one struggling with his immigration status, and his housing situation was also becoming a serious problem. So he suggested that we move in together and split the costs. It seemed like a fair bargain. It could also help me get to know him better. I agreed, and we got a two-bedroom apartment and moved in together.

I started school after we moved in together, a master’s course in health to get me a better grounding.

That’s when his attitude started to change. He wouldn’t talk to me, would give me the silent treatment, or go quiet whenever I tried to talk to him. When I complained, he would just lock himself in his room and avoid me. He wouldn’t eat my food. That is fine, but he would go out and come back whenever he liked. When I questioned his behaviour, I received no proper answer. He would say I had done nothing.

Usually, when a man starts behaving like this, you do some introspection to check if you, the woman, are a troublesome woman or if there is something you are doing wrong. I asked myself if I was disturbing the man. Was I stepping on his toes? I mentally checked my own behaviour for days, but nothing checked out wrong. So again, I went to ask him, “What is the problem?” He said I was not disturbing him. I was not worrying him.

So why was he himself pouring sand into our gari? Why was he treating me like a roommate when we were actually dating? I would probe further, and he would get angry at me for being angry at him. He would tell me that I was the one who didn’t like some peace and quiet. So then I would end up apologizing.

I’m hurting and exhausted. It’s only been two months since we moved in, but I want to leave and rent my own place. The lease is in my name for a year, and I can’t stay with him for that long.

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I told the landlord I wanted to move out so he could find someone else to rent the place, but he doesn’t want to leave. Yesterday, I told him I was planning to move out, and he started bawling his eyes out. “Don’t leave me here,” he said.

He said I’m only doing this because I know he doesn’t have his documents to rent somewhere else. But that is far from the case. You are disrespecting me, and I have come too far to be in this space. Now I’m confused. Am I a bad person for making this decision?

—Miranda

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