My idea of marriage was about support. A man meets a woman in love; they decide to stay together forever through thick and thin and support the journey with all they have, without holding back. When I first met my wife, I preached this lesson to her, and she agreed with me. I loved her so much that even when we were not married, I paid half of her rent and helped put the room in order by buying some of the things she needed. Our relationship was only four months old, but I knew the journey ahead, so I put in the support.
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When she settled in, I was able to visit her and even spend the night there with her. I went with gifts and also bought groceries so she wouldn’t feed me with only her money. When she called that something was finish in the house, I quickly bought it. We were living like a married couple, so just after nine months of dating, on her birthday, I proposed that we should get married, and she agreed.
During the wedding preparation, she split the bills and took almost half of them. Even with the dowry list, she impressed upon her parents not to ask for anything too big because I had been a bigger help in her life than anyone else had ever been. We got a moderate list because of what she said. I could brag to my friends that I had the best woman on earth because she was ready to put in her support.
We got married, got a new apartment, and the children started coming. It looked like every year we got pregnant. Soon we had four children and decided enough was enough. By that time, I had started seeing signs of withdrawal from my wife. She looked up to me for everything. I understood her; her job wasn’t paying much. I was the same person who impressed upon her to get a new job.
I started the search before she joined in, and soon, through my help, she got a job bigger and better than what she had. She still withdrew her support. If she had to put in something, I would have to ask her and even beg for it before she grudgingly did it.
I traveled and came home to see our first child sick. Sickness doesn’t usually floor kids, but this sickness had floored this boy to the extent that he could barely walk. I asked my wife why she hadn’t taken him to the hospital, and she said, “I bought drugs for him, so I thought he would be well.” She went to the drugstore and bought a few painkillers to give to a child suffering from more than pain.
When we took him to the hospital, the doctor asked why it had taken us so long to bring him. The truth of the matter is, my wife was waiting for me to arrive so I could pay the hospital bills. I was angry that day. I asked her why she didn’t call me. I asked what she was waiting for.
She did the same thing to herself when she was sick. She complained of a headache, but it got worse. She took paracetamol. She took anything that promised to relieve her pain, but the sickness didn’t go away. I had to force her to go to the hospital with me. By the time we were leaving the hospital, I had paid close to GHC3,000. There were scans she had to do at another facility. I gave her the money to do those scans, but she spent the money and didn’t do the scans because she got better.
She would cook and give the kids little meat. If they ate meat in the morning, in the afternoon she wouldn’t like to give them meat. She treated everyone around her as if we were the poorest people alive, but to be honest, we are not doing badly at all in life.
Our rent was expiring. I had made an investment that hadn’t matured yet, so I asked her to give me half of the rent to pay, and I would give it back to her when my investment matured. I’m not the kind of husband who borrows from his wife. Once, when I did, my wife tackled me for the money as if I had borrowed from a bank, so I never borrowed from her again. This time it was a huge amount of money, and I knew I was going to pay it back. She screamed, “Me, eiii. You think I’m rich? Where am I going to get that kind of money from?”
I eventually took a loan from a friend to pay the rent. I was deeply hurt, and that made me start asking questions about what she had been using her money for. I started going through her phone. I saw messages from her father asking for money. She was screaming on the phone, asking her father to ask her brothers because she didn’t have money. Meanwhile, heeerrr, this woman. Hmmm.
Meanwhile, her account balance was close to GHC100,000. Apart from that, she has investments and is also subscribed to insurance schemes that she pays GHC100 every month. I asked her, “Why are you this wicked when it comes to money? So you have all this money sitting in your account and still deny your father help? Where are you taking the money to?”
She was angry that I went through her phone instead of addressing the problem. Three days later, she told me, “If I had that much money in my account, this wouldn’t have been my situation. It’s money from susu I’m doing with colleagues. You can ask them.”
I screamed, “Give me their numbers. I will call them one after the other and ask. Give me the numbers.”
Maybe I will have the numbers tomorrow, but as I write this, she hasn’t been able to give me a single number. I’m not jealous of her because I know one day she’ll die and leave all that behind. Money she can’t use to buy drugs for herself when she’s sick? She’ll die very soon and leave all that behind.
This brought my mind back to the reason I married her in the first place: for us to be able to support each other. Now she’s the mother of my kids—four of them. I will go over the moon to see them happy. I don’t need her money to do that. Thanks be to God, I earn better. I have life and I have energy. My only fear is that one day, when I’m not there, what happens to my kids?
I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen
So I’ve started looking out for myself and the future of my kids. I’m going to put things in the names of my siblings and my family. The way we were raised, none of my siblings will leave my kids to suffer like my wife will. I won’t force her to use her money on us or even push her to support. She should keep what she has. I hope it gives her all the joy in the world, but I know what I’m going to do going forward. It’s business from now on.
—Eden
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Your siblings can also disappoint you. Put things in the name of your kids. The human heart is deceitful. Set them up for the future. You can do kids susu schemes . Ones they turn 18 you transfer the money in their name. Some women pretend because they want marriage. The change in your wife can also be as a result of a bad advice. Take care of yourself and the kids. They are your true family.
Dear Eden,
It appears your wife has some fundamental issues to deal with. From all that you have narrated, especially the part that she withholds basic care from her children, herself and her father (in that order), it appears to show that she does not acknowledge that it is an issue once it has to do with finances.
Either that, or she is plainly a selfish and callous miser.
The probable solution is to establish a TRUST for your children, who are most likely to suffer should you go before her. Your siblings, it is hoped, will substantially support the children should that day come, but they also have their priorities to consider as well.
Going forward, probably suggest counselling to her directly or through people who will be best suited for her to listen to.
The best to you, Eden.