I was on my honeymoon when I got the call that I’d been laid off from work. It was target related and also the company wasn’t doing well. I called the HR and gave him a piece of my mind. He knew I was going to be laid off. Why didn’t he tell me until I used everything I had saved for my wedding? A colleague told me they came to my wedding with my letter but didn’t give it to me because they thought it was insensitive.

We cut our honeymoon short and came back home. My wife started getting the feeling she was pregnant. Her menses delayed for days. She was worried. I told her, “You can’t be worried. We are married.” Her response was, “Does it matter? Where’s the money you’re going to use to take care of a child.”

I felt it. All of a sudden, I didn’t deserve to have a child because I was unemployed. She didn’t test to see if she was pregnant. She said she was scared of the answer she would get. I felt my ability as a man was being questioned. My wife being pregnant was supposed to be happy news but it became a source of constant worry until her menses eventually came. She did the sign of the cross when she noticed. She told me about it with a broad smile on her face, “False alarm!”

READ ALSO: I Thought He Was A Better Man Than My Husband Until We Did It

I moved from one place to another looking for a job. I contacted people in my network. I attended interviews for every position I felt I could handle, even the ones below my qualifications and pay grade. Nothing happened for me. I remember one afternoon, after a tiring job search, I texted my wife, “The way I’m tired, get ready to massage me this evening. It’s going to be a happy ending kind of situation tonight.” She texted back, “Then get a condom. I’m not safe.”

I read the text over and over again asking myself, “Does she know that we are married? Maybe she has forgotten. Let me call her and remind her that I’ve paid her bride price.

“You want to get me pregnant and leave me to take care of myself and the pregnancy? Safety first.” That was what she told me. She was stern and firm as if she was talking to her child. “How long does it take to find a job?” I asked her. “Or you don’t believe I will ever get a job?”

I didn’t take a condom home so she took sex off the table that night. I couldn’t fight. If I had the financial power I would have screamed, “How dare you?” I didn’t have it so the voice in my head said softly, “How dare me.”

We had a conversation. We had it at dawn because we were counselled to wake each other up at dawn and talk when we were faced with marital problems. “If we conceive now, the baby will come and meet me working. Don’t make it look like I’m not capable of landing a job soon. It’s temporary. Everything we are going through now is temporary. Listen to me and let’s do this.”

It didn’t change anything. She still insisted she wanted safety before conception. She put herself on a family plan without consulting me. She was so bent on preventing us from getting pregnant. It took a while. A year later I still didn’t have a job. She was the one calling off the shots in the house because she was the one paying. Whoever pays the piper calls out the tunes. I was scared she was going to leave me but I took consolation from the fact that she didn’t make us lack anything in the house.

Two years later, I had a job. She told me she was right about preventing pregnancy.

The first week of having a job felt like I was going through the matriculation of being a man of the house. I spoke with confidence. When I asked for a change, it was backed by power. Slowly I took my place in the house and became the husband and the head. I had an imaginary handover ceremony where I sat on my throne and waited for her to return my crown. She put it on my head and the whole auditorium erupted. Dramatic but I deserved it.

Two years later, no child. We were trying. We didn’t sleep at night. We did it five times a week. It became seven out of seven. Still, nothing happened. Three, four, five years later still no child. I’m blaming her. Because why not? When doctors tell us about hormonal imbalances, I put the blame on her. Test after test has proved me potent but there’s one issue or two about her that gets resolved and another one arises.

I want a child. I don’t want to grow old and grey before I hold the product of my semen. I’m the man of the house but when I go out, when I’m with my friends, I can’t claim to be a complete man because I have to show work. Where’s the end product of my manhood?

My Heart Was Broken All Over Again | Abena On The Hot Seat

The question is, should I start trying from the outside? Will it be insensitive from my end to consider having a child with another woman? No matter how I look at it, having a child reigns high on my priority list. It was the reason I wanted it as soon as we got married. When she had the chance, she made the rules that favoured her. Should I start making my rules too?

–Adabo

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG

*****