I am pretty. That’s the first thing people say to me when they want to compliment me. I have learned to accept it. People stop and stare sometimes when I walk. I don’t let it get to my head. In fact, I don’t like the attention. I am a very shy person so I usually like to stay invisible.

Even when I am in a relationship, I feel shy and extremely uncomfortable when my partner looks at my face. So I’m not the type of girl you will hold hands with and stare into each other’s eyes. I like it when my partner touches me but I get squeamish when they do.

If you touch my hand, I would shriek and slap your hand off. Then I would come to my senses and feel mortified for what I have done, and apologize till I’m forgiven. However, if you touch me again, I will still shriek and slap your hands off me. Believe me, it’s not something I do on purpose. It’s just a reaction I get when someone touches me.

That’s why at my age, I have not had my first kiss yet. I am twenty-two. I will be twenty-three in about two months time. Yet I can’t tolerate the touch of a man. This is the reason I am still a virgin. But when people ask, I tell them that I made a covenant with God.

So while most people think I am staying chaste for religious or moral reasons, it’s simply because it just doesn’t take me much to stay away from sex.

I have already been in two failed relationships. Before I agreed to any of their relationships I told them, “I don’t want to engage in shuperu until we are married.” They each agreed to it. Nonetheless, they expected me to allow a few liberties like cuddles, kisses, and other inappropriate touches.

That was the beginning of the problem. When Kofi started making advances at me, I screamed at all his attempts and sprang free from his hold. “Be patient with me,” I told him, “I will do it when I am ready.” He was patient. Or at least he tried. But when he realized that I was too sensitive to touch, he told me, “I am sorry but I can’t do this anymore.”

I was hurt. I was heartbroken, especially when I realized that he left because he thought I didn’t love him. That was the only way he could make sense of my inability to tolerate his touch. I let it go. I didn’t push too hard to keep him.

Then came Kwame. He also agreed to wait till marriage but he expected to do other things that were not necessarily shuperu. However, he couldn’t even get a kiss. “Why are you doing this to me?” He would ask, “Don’t you love me?” I’d tell him that I loved him but something wasn’t right with me.

He couldn’t even hold my waste or casually throw his arms around my shoulder. We couldn’t hold hands. If he made a mistake and tried any of these, I would shriek on impulse. The way it happens, it gives the impression that I loathed his touch. Meanwhile, I yearned for him to touch me. It was my body that was acting up. He also got tired of waiting and walked away.

Because of this, men always think I am playing games with them. Me, what relationship games do I know? All I want is to have a healthy relationship like a normal person. I don’t want to be the pretty girl men can date but can’t touch, let alone hug.

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Am I normal? Or this is all part of the shyness? First, I feel uncomfortable when they stare at my face. Then I desire their touch yet when they touch me, I react violently instinctively. A girlfriend you can’t do public display of affection with, is that one too a girlfriend?

I want to overcome this problem. That’s why I’m here. Some people will probably say that this is not an issue. Well, it’s important to me that I touch, hug, hold, and kiss the people I love but I can’t do that without freaking everyone out. So I need help.

What can I do to overcome this problem? I am worried that I will lose another relationship in future because of it. Even if such a thing happens, it shouldn’t be because I can’t tolerate physical touch. So help me out. How can I be less sensitive to touch?

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—Jane    

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