Four years ago, Niroh proposed marriage in church. I had just moved from my aunt’s place to my mum’s place. It was at my mother’s church that I met him. As born-again Christians, and based on the doctrines of our church, we established a rule that we wouldn’t get intimate until marriage.
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A few months into our courtship, I was posted out of town for my national service. On his first two visits, we were fine. It was on the third visit that we got out of control. A touch here, a touch there, a harmless kiss, and before we knew it, we were entangled in the throes of passion. It wasn’t until we finished and lay panting for breath that regret washed over us. How did we end up feeding the flesh and disobeying God?
We prayed for forgiveness but we could not escape the consequences of our actions. That one time sex resulted in a pregnancy.
When the church found out, we were withdrawn from all church activities, in accordance with the church’s doctrines. At the time, we had been together for eight months. Both our families agreed that we should get married right after I delivered, so that the marriage and the child’s christening could happen together.
But guess what Niroh said?
“I am not ready to get married. I have to study her first. I can’t marry her just because she is pregnant with my child. What if she doesn’t meet the criteria I’m looking for in a wife?”
He said this politely, which I believe is why neither my parents nor his reacted strongly. I was upset by this statement but my parents asked me to give him some time.
They told me, “We know him. He is decent. He is not the type of guy to use and dump a woman.”
My mother even said she had never seen him with any girl in church since he joined about six years ago. “He is a very respectful young man,” she added.
As for the respectful part, I saw that myself. But with the rest, I wasn’t too sure. They were in the church with him before I moved there. So I just had to take their word for it.
For days, I brooded over the words, “What if she doesn’t meet the criteria I’m looking for in a wife?”
After all his promises to marry me and the eight months we had spent together, was that not enough time to get to know me? If I didn’t meet his criteria, then what was I to become, a baby mama?
Every time I tried to complain about this the answer I got from my parents was, “Wait, he will marry you.”
Well, that wasn’t the point. I just felt hurt that he would say those things to me after proposing marriage to me right from the beginning. No one understood me so I kept quiet and waited.
Our daughter is now three years old. It is now that he has and he has finally decided he’s ready to marry me. In fact, he has gone to collect the marriage list from my parents. When they told me about it, I responded that I am also not ready.
I told him, “It took you four years to study me, so please give me just one year to also study you.”
Now, everyone thinks I’m going mad.
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Why is it that during his four years of delay, no one called him mad, but now that I’ve asked for just one year, I’m suddenly mad?
He is a 33-year-old nurse, while I am a 27-year-old teacher. With everything I’ve shared, I want to ask, am I really running mad like they say?
—Ama
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#SB
Waite for 4 years and study him also before deciding whether or not to marry him since u want equalisation.
Smh
Ma’am, i respect your decision but as a gentleman myself lemme share what it means if I say I am studying you. It may be another way of saying I am not financially and mentally stable to settle down with someone I will be calling my wife. I know how I would want to treat my wife and make her know I, Teddy, married her and I have got her in everyway. And I am not there YET. NB: your guy is a nurse and we know how nurses on Ghana are paid.
It may also be a way of buying some to settle some things in my life so when we finally get down with it, it will meet me in my best version. This may mean different things to different gents. We are meant to be the leaders throwing in all situations. So give me some time to work on them.
Also, it may mean lets study each other and know if time will truly prove that we are meant to be with each other. Maybe we may see some things we wouldnt like about each other. Thus, we will spend some time to work on it. If you will look into your lives, you would know you have worked on some things in your respective lives just because the other partner pointed it out.
THE FOUR YEARS MAY NOT NECESSARILY BE ABOUT SYUDYING YOU Ma’am
Take all the time ,sis. Just make sure it isn’t out of revenge but from a thoughtful consideration if it falls in line with your goals
No don’t think you are mad but you see two wrongs never make anything right. It is alright for you to register your displeasure since he didn’t shear his fears and you challenges with you. Punish him small but don’t make it that long so you both can have a beautiful marriage. Humans as we never stop growing in mind and in stature, until we die. I wish you all the best.
No you are not mad, you are just no longer in love like before, and that’s scary. But if you’ve been going together intimately for the past three years, then you might as well formalize it. Otherwise forgot it.