I have the Hepatitis B virus running through my system. I was in my first month at the university when I found out that I had it.

The way I was raised, sex was a taboo topic in my home. It was something you did not think about, let alone mention. Yes, my parents talked about it, but those conversations were always about avoiding it. We were constantly warned that when a man touched you, you could become pregnant. We were taught to protect our purity and stay away from anything that could bring shame or disappointment.

My neighbours had a beautiful family. When my parents’ relationship fell apart, I looked at them with admiration and longing in my eyes. I wanted the kind of love, peace, and togetherness they seemed to have.

I told myself that if I lived a pure life, stayed away from intimacy, and did everything right, then God would reward me with a marriage and family just like theirs.

So, how exactly did I get Hepatitis B?

I still do not know. When I went for a thorough blood test, the results revealed that I had chronic non-replicating Hepatitis B. That was the moment everything began to change for me.

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I searched my heart and my memories, trying to figure out when and how I could have gotten it, but I could not find an answer. I struggled to come to terms with the reality of my diagnosis, and at some point, I even lost the desire to continue with my studies.

For the past ten years since I discovered my status, I have felt like I have been living as a shadow of myself. I feel stuck, as though my dreams have slowly died and nothing seems to be falling into place for me.

You may be wondering why I am writing this. For a long time, I thought I could control everything. I thought I could live a normal life, carry this secret quietly, and continue until death came for me. But recently, I have realised that society will not always allow me to do that.

Next month, I will turn thirty, and I constantly receive questions from friends and well-wishers.

“When are you getting married?”

“Won’t you find a man to break your virginity?”

“Why don’t you just give birth?”

They ask these questions without knowing the battles I fight silently every day.

I am at a stage in my life where I no longer know what to do to motivate myself. My tears have become a constant part of my life. Emotionally, I do not feel strong anymore. Sometimes, I wish I had never existed. Sometimes, I wish I were just like every other woman out there, with a man I could proudly call mine.

But for me, it does not feel that simple because I do not know who would accept me after knowing my status.

Are there men out there who have the same status as me? Where are they? Will there ever be a time when I can share my dreams and build a future with someone who truly understands me?

I think about ending my life whenever I attend weddings or see couples openly expressing their love for each other. It reminds me of the things I long for but fear I may never have.

My best friend thinks there are men who do not have the same status as mine who could still love me and walk with me to the altar. But my question remains: where and when will I find such a person?

One thing I have always hated is being pitied. I do not want someone to choose me because they feel sorry for me. On what grounds would someone really accept me? Would they truly love me for who I am, or would they always see my condition first?

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe there is someone out there who will love me completely, someone who will see beyond my diagnosis and appreciate everything I stand for.

But the question that keeps haunting me is: when?

I Called My Girlfriend And Another Man Answered The Phone

I feel lost in my thoughts. My faith in God is beginning to shake because I feel disappointed and forgotten. Yet, my conscience will not allow me to hurt myself or bring pain into someone else’s life.

Am I being unreasonable?

I feel myself becoming a bitter person, and I do not know how to stop it.

— Redeemer
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