I met a guy in late 2018. We became lovers in February 2019. He said he was an accountant. I was then a part-time student with a side hustle. He lived in Nairobi. We met in early March and had our first shuperu. He went back to Nairobi, and for a week I couldn’t reach him. When he resurfaced after about a week and a half he said he lost his job. “I needed some time apart to heal,” he said. In September, he got a job interview in Mombasa. I facilitated his transport means. He did well and got the job.

He was earning twice as much as I was earning at that time yet he always asked me for a loan in the middle of every month. On my graduation day, he wasn’t present. Later in the day, he called. I thought he was going to apologize. He said, “Can you lend me some money? It’s for a friend who is in need.” I was so angry.

He continued borrowing money from me, none of which he ever paid back until we entered 2020. I was hoping that he would change with the new year. Love makes us see hope where there is none, I know that now. Whenever he was stressed about something, he took it out on me. When we wanted to see each other, I either had to pay for his transportation or go to him. Regardless of who made the trip, I had to cater for our feeding lest we starve.

He would spend his money in bars drinking his life away. He wouldn’t buy cheap drinks too, no. he will buy a bottle of alcohol for a price that can feed a starving village for a week. Once I told him, “I really don’t like it when you drink. Think of what you would achieve financially if you didn’t have taste for expensive liquors.” He answered, “It’s my hard-earned money, I can spend it however I want. If you are complaining because of the coins I borrowed from you then I will calculate everything and pay you back.”

The next morning when he was sober I asked him why he said that to me and he denied ever saying those words. I told myself, “He may not remember saying it but he meant it. Don’t they say people speak their truth when they are drunk?”

Somewhere in October 2020, he asked me to take a loan from the bank on his behalf. He said he would use it to offset his loans and then take another one to repay mine. Maybe if he didn’t have the habit of owing me all the time, I would have gone to the bank for him. Just around the same time, my brother also asked me to take a loan on his behalf. I chose to help my brother. When my boyfriend brought up the loan issue again I told him, “I am not eligible for another loan yet. I took a loan for my brother recently.”

He went ballistic. “So, you chose your brother over me? You think your family is worthier of your help than me? You don’t love me that much, it’s obvious.” It never stopped there. He brought that issue up every time we argued about money. At some point, I got tired and started thinking about leaving the relationship. I still loved him but I longed for peace of mind and the ability to breathe freely.

I started withdrawing from him and he noticed it. He also decided to let things fall apart. We could argue over something and for a week he would blue tick my messages. I decided that if he couldn’t talk over things due to his ego then I got an ego too. We went silent on each other for a week. He later called me on a Friday and complained about how much I don’t care about him. I told him, “Care is two-way traffic. I can’t treat you right and then you would treat me like I am not a human being.”

On Saturday, he went for a hospital appointment. On Sunday I called him and I was told he had been admitted to the hospital. I panicked and called his family to let them know. A week later the guy became paralyzed on his left side.

I spent a week in the hospital taking care of him day and night. I changed his diapers and emptied his bedpan hourly. When he was discharged, I stayed with him for another week until my off days were exhausted. I went back to work for a week and took another week off to go and look after him.

At the hospital, he was given some medicine to massage his paralyzed side to make the nerves react. Due to his weight, I had to get on top of his bed before I could carry out the massage. While massaging him, I think I might have pressed harder than I should have. Instead of signaling me to stop the massage, he threw his functional foot trying to hit me. By sheer luck, the moment he launched his foot was the moment I was moving to the upper part of his body so he slightly missed. If that foot got me, I would have fallen off the bed, hit the wall, and likely died.

In fear and panic, I cried. This guy looked me straight in the face and said, “Now what are you crying for? I wish I hadn’t missed and really kicked you.” I decided then that the guy really wasn’t worth my efforts. Something in me changed that day. The love I had for him turned to hatred. It’s surprising I didn’t put a pillow over his face that day.

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Not long after that, I lost my sister to cancer. I paid attention to my own tragedy and forgot about him. During my sister’s burial, his brother came to support us. I was thankful for his help but he tried to use the opportunity to get me in bed with him. I was outraged at the disrespect. “How can you expect me to sleep with two brothers?” I asked. I started avoiding him until it was time to visit his sick brother.

He agreed to take me to see his brother but on the day of travel, he asked me to fuel his car before he could take me to see his sick brother. Can you imagine? He wasn’t doing me a favor. It’s his brother we are talking about here. I told him, “Don’t worry, I have an emergency so I won’t be able to go. Let’s do it next time.” I didn’t want to visit my boyfriend again but I had bought him a walking stick and I didn’t want to keep it. I went by public transport, gave him the walking stick, called that sorry brother of his on my phone and they spoke.

That was August 2021. There was no official break up but it was the last time I saw him. That walking stick I gave him became my parting gift to him. He calls me every now and then to threaten me. He wants me back and I’ve sworn never to allow him in my life. He still insults me via messages. He has vowed to never give me peace even if I get married to someone else. But through it all, I walk with my head held up high. I don’t care about him and his tantrums. I have gathered my life together and things are picking up. My finances are doing better and I have healed emotionally.

—Cynthia

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Photo:Couple travel photo created by Drazen Zigic – www.freepik.com