When Push Came To Shove, He Put A Pillow Between Us

When I first met my husband, I wasn’t the type who liked shuperu. He on the other hand was the opposite. The beginning stages of our marriage were filled with the strong desire he had for me. All he had to do was look at me, and he’d be in the mood. Sometimes it was just a whiff of my smell that undid him. I was very happy to be married to someone who found me constantly irresistible. So I warmed up to the idea of always making sure that I was ready for him. Sometimes I even initiated it, and that made him very happy. What even made things interesting was the fact that our marriage was a long-distance one. So every time we saw each other, it felt like a honeymoon. We would stay wrapped in each other’s arms until we part ways.

With the way we were always going at it, it didn’t take too long for me to conceive. I thought our sex life would remain active until it was physically impossible for me to do it anymore. However, my husband didn’t feel that way. Four months into the pregnancy he became physically withdrawn. Instead of wanting to spend time with me, my husband rather found excuses to avoid my company. Whenever we were together too he would keep a distance from me as though I had a contagious disease. Sometimes I would tell him my needs, “Don’t be too far away. I want you close.” And he would say, “You are pregnant. I don’t want to hold you wrongly and hurt the baby.” No matter how many times I explained to him that I was fine, he just wouldn’t get physical with me.

I had deep conversations with him about it but he stood his ground. His behaviour continued until the baby arrived. Again, I thought after a few months he would come around, but no. The baby is currently six months old and I am completely healed from childbirth, yet my husband wouldn’t touch me. I avail myself to him whenever I get the chance but he refuses to indulge. The journey from his place to mine is quite far but I frequently travel to him with the baby. Just so he wouldn’t blame our lack of intimacy on the distance. But that too hasn’t worked.

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At this point, I am beginning to suspect that he is getting it outside. It’s difficult to confirm my suspicions because he always deletes his chats. He doesn’t even keep his chats with his best friend on his phone. Which only strengthens my suspicions. Because of this, I am also tempted to find my satisfaction outside the marriage. My ex-boyfriend is lurking in the shadows and I want to reach out to him and find some comfort in his arms. But I know it’s wrong so I’m holding myself together. I just hate that my husband rejects me even when I initiate intimacy with him. It makes me feel undervalued. My most recent experience with him was something else. It was his birthday so the baby and I travelled to spend the day with him.

At night, I put the baby to sleep and dressed in something irresistible. I saw his reaction to me, there was hard evidence of it. So I thought he would be open to us furthering the birthday celebrations in bed. But the moment I climbed into the bed, he put a pillow between us. I was shocked. I could see his thing poking through his shorts but he didn’t want me to feel it so he chose to block it with a pillow. Honestly, it was at that point that I realized I was fighting a losing battle. He prefers to turn his back to me when we are in bed than to hold me. I am married yet I am starved of touch and affection. I replay the way we were when our marriage began, and I compare it to what we are dealing with now, and I ask myself; “So what changed? What did I do that is so revolting that my husband cannot stand to touch me?”

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After what happened on his birthday I asked him, “Why are you behaving like this? Am I not your wife anymore? Why won’t you tend to my needs?” He couldn’t give me any straight answer. He kept giving reasons that don’t even make sense or connect to each other. I am exhausted in this marriage. If I knew this is how he would behave, I would not have married him. Right now, the love I have for him is diminishing. So I have decided to quench all my sexual desires for him and just live in a dry marriage. I will concentrate on myself and our daughter and make the best out of the situation.

I know that it is not going to be easy but, it will preserve my sanity. I believe that will be better than losing myself in the marriage. If he decides to file for divorce, I will accept it and sign the papers. If he doesn’t too, I will be in the marriage but not be in the marriage. I am in my late twenties, I am too young  to be stressed