My boyfriend, Fiifi, was about to perform the knocking rite when my mom and dad connived to tell me they didn’t want to see him close to our house. His offense was that he had dated me for too long, and they expected marriage, not knocking. I said, “But how can we marry without the knocking rite first?”

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My dad said he didn’t need knocking and made a dowry list that read like a billionaire was going to marry another billionaire’s daughter. I said, “No, that can’t be possible.” My mom jumped in, “Are you the one to determine your own dowry? If he can’t pay, then he’s not ready. Simple.”

I didn’t let the list reach Fiifi because I knew it would rather push him away than bring him close to my family. A week later, my dad called me home to meet a man who was serious about marrying me. Mr. Abaido. He had lived all his life abroad and had children with a white lady but was divorced.

Before he took me in to meet the man, my dad whispered, “I know it’s too sudden, but behave. You’ll travel abroad very soon, and the family can also be liberated from poverty.”

Abaido was so happy to meet me he couldn’t stop talking about how he wanted to marry me as soon as possible and take me to the United Kingdom to be with him. I didn’t say a word. I only smiled through it all. He took me to his car, gave me money and a phone, and drove away. He looked like a man in his fifties.

When all was settled, I told my dad I couldn’t marry him. He called me mad. He even snatched the money the man gave me and screamed, “All your life, has any man given you this much before?” To date, I don’t know how much that amount was because my dad didn’t give it back.

When Abaido called and we talked, I told him everything was new to me and I would prefer we took it slowly. He understood me and said he wasn’t in a rush. He sent me money often. He took me out often. We built it slowly. He opened my eyes to a lot of possibilities. I fell in love with the possibilities more than with him, though he showed me love from an angle of maturity.

I was honest with Fiifi. I told him what was going on with my family and how they were pushing me to marry Abaido. He said he wanted to marry me as soon as possible. I told him those who would receive his drinks were the same people pushing another man toward me.

This circle went on for a while. I’d come to love all the possibilities Abaido had shown me. I liked the money. I also loved the places my life would be if I said yes, so I agreed to marry him. When he left the country, I tried using his absence to break up with Fiifi, but it was hard. I told him it wouldn’t work. We tried to break up, but each time we tried, we got back stronger.

I realized the only way to let him out of my life was to cut him off suddenly, without warning. So I blocked him. I refused to see him however hard he tried. A few weeks to my marriage with Abaido, I sent him a message and apologized for the hurt. He wished me well, though I knew it wasn’t coming from a good place.

We got married, Abaido and I. A few months later, I relocated to be with him in the United Kingdom. We’ve been here for the last two years and, to be honest, he has delivered everything he promised. I allowed myself to love him, but a piece of me wouldn’t let Fiifi go. So we talked. We exchanged pictures. I sent him a lot of views and stuff. He said he missed me. I said I wished he were the one I married.

One day he said, “What if you made it possible for me to come and live in the UK too? I would work hard and make money so your parents can accept me.” I responded, “But I’m married, and you know that.” He answered, “You and I know this isn’t marriage. Let’s be honest.”

So I gave his name and number to a friend who had been bringing people to the UK. I told him to bring Fiifi and that I would pay all the costs involved.

A year later, Fiifi is in the UK. I bore all the costs, even his flight. Where he currently lives, I paid for it. The work he’s doing currently, I made possible through friends and associates. He’s been in this country for over seven months, but I’ve seen him only once—the day I met him at the airport to welcome him to the UK. He tried to kiss me, and I prevented it.

We talk and we make plans. I have the urge to be with him, the same urge I had when I was with him, but there’s a voice in my head that keeps telling me I should be measured and not make mistakes, or else the consequences would be dire. Abaido does his best for me. He’s a good man. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him, but currently I am, and I see him as my everything.

The only problem here is that he can’t have children. When he had his fourth child with his white wife, he decided enough was enough and had a vasectomy because his wife wouldn’t do family planning. He didn’t tell me this before marriage. I got to the UK, and he still didn’t tell me. It was after we had tried and nothing was happening, and I had asked to see a doctor, that he confessed.

I was angry. I was very disappointed. I cursed my parents who made it possible for me to marry this man. It was during that time my feelings toward Fiifi intensified. That was also the period I was paying money to bring him in. The whole idea was to leave Abaido and marry Fiifi so I could have children of my own. He came to the UK, and I realized I didn’t have the strength to carry out my plan.

He lied to me, but he has been very exceptional. At the end of my life, I won’t look at how exceptional he was and tell myself I lived a fulfilled life. I will want to look at the kids I raised, where they are, and the contribution they are giving to the universe and say, “I did my best.”

Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying

When I think of kids, the only man who comes to mind is Fiifi, but I have to leave Abaido to do it. That’s the complication of my life. I’m thirty-six as I write this. Each day, I’m worried about the future. If you were in my shoes, how would you handle this issue? Sometimes I just want to intentionally get pregnant so Abaido would divorce me, but that’s too extreme. Hmmm.

—Golden

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