My wife thinks she has the safest marriage. Only that she is about to find out that I am about to cheat on her. I am certain it will break her before it kills her. But this is the only way I can keep myself alive for this marriage. Other than that, I will also die.

Even before I got a wife, I have always known that my wife was to be the most important part of my life, no less. She would be my guide, my shield. I promised to never cheat on her. When I heard men talk proudly about cheating on their wives, I scorned them and stopped being friends with them.

I met her and felt all the right things, just enough to know I was in love with her. On our wedding day, when I said the part of the vow, “forsaking all other women,” I meant it with every part of my heart.

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I am still holding on to that promise like the woman with the issue of blood held on to Jesus’ cloak, but I do not know for how long.

I will tell you, I am that man who does not look at a woman twice. You can wear all the skimpy dresses and I would not even care. I was like that before marriage and especially after marriage. That is why what is happening to me feels like an out of body experience.

There is a voice I am hearing. It is fighting my body, my spirit, my passions, and whatever the flesh can think of. I am a staunch Christian, so when it started, I began praying about it, fasting it out, but nothing.

I have a high love for intimacy. She, on the other hand, does not. She can live without it. I feel like I would die without it, but I have compromised a lot in this marriage. So whenever she is ready, that is when we do the show. If not, then maybe two times in a month. Sometimes it feels like starvation, but compromise is compromise, so I endure.

In the midst of this turmoil, a woman came into my life. She is a white woman, almost looking like Snow White. She is behaving like a woman who wants something from me and she is not mincing any words. So I try as much as possible to avoid her calls, her texts, and spend more time with my wife.

But my wife is not seeing things the way I am. The sweat at night, the face I am putting on, the short answers I give just to get her attention. She is not seeing any of it.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m at a 9 — fighting every devil, and fighting myself too not to force myself on her. I don’t know a better way to say it, so yes. Sometimes when I watch her, that’s the only thing that comes to mind.

A thought I never asked for, never invited. But as it comes, I chase it away with the Word of God and common sense. Common sense tells you, you will end up in jail. God tells you to resist all temptation. So I resist. Every single time.

If I’m not going to do that, then it means I may have to find a way to take care of myself. And the other lady is very much available. She’s only waiting for me to tell her when. I have delayed and stalled that visit because of my promise and my vow, but I don’t know anymore. The longer I wait, the heavier everything feels.

I don’t even know whether the wife I’m fighting all odds to be faithful to, is even faithful to me. And that question alone is enough to drive a man mad. How sure am I? If she’s not getting it from me, then where is she getting it? The woman is always on her phone, either laughing or guarding it. Like her life depends on it. And I sit there, watching, feeling something between jealousy and grief.

If only I had access to it, things would be clearer. But I don’t. And truthfully, I don’t want to. It’s better I don’t break my heart further with the feelings already wound up inside me. Some things you’re better off not knowing.

What Nobody Tells You About Divorce

I just want to be a happy man. Is that too much to ask? To come home and feel wanted. To feel like the war I’m fighting daily actually means something. I am trying to hold this marriage together with both hands while it quietly slips through my fingers. I pray I don’t reach that point where the lid from the boiling pot finally falls, because when it does, I would have destroyed a marriage over small minutes of pleasure.

And that is not a trade I’m willing to make. Not today.

—Emmanuel

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