We waited for four years before we had a child. It’s the longest we’ve both waited for something we loved. It wasn’t only long, but turbulent too. We had to walk through ceaseless questions from family and friends: “When are you going to get pregnant?” or “Don’t you want a baby?”

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When I wasn’t married, I thought babies happened through sex. My mom even warned me not to do it because babies would result, and that would destroy my life. The picture out there is that it’s very easy to have a baby as a woman. I got married only to realize babies don’t just fall on your lap because you were intimate with a man.

There are a lot of things that have to coincide for babies to happen, and unfortunately for us, these things were at war with each other, so they never met until four years after marriage.

We named her Nsroma because she was the only shining light in our dark night.

Four months later, we were in the hospital at dawn praying and telling the nurses to do everything to save our baby’s life. I cried before they came to tell me she didn’t make it. My husband leaned his head against the wall and never took it off until he was pulled away. The lowest I’ve ever seen a man fall.

When we sat in the car to go back home, he didn’t know how to start the car, so we sat there and cried until we saw the morning sun. We didn’t even know how to break the news to those who mattered in our lives. Everything was bleak from that day.

Our lives were split into two after our baby’s death: life when Nsroma was here and life after the death of Nsroma. My husband pretended to be strong, but I caught him twice hiding in the bathroom and crying.

It took us three years to have another baby knock on the door of my womb. We were too scared, so we didn’t tell anyone by mouth that we were pregnant. Those who saw it asked, and I nodded. Even my mom had to see it before I told her it was true. Two months ago, we had another baby, a son who looks exactly like Nsroma.

Now we are not able to sleep at night because we believe it was during our sleep that Nsroma left. We are always scared. When he sleeps for too long and doesn’t wiggle, my heart skips a beat. I lower my head and feel his breath to see if he’s breathing.

A few days ago, I placed my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat at dawn. My husband woke up and said, “He’s breathing, don’t worry.” We both smiled and went back to sleep.

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Is it fear? Is it obsession? Is it too much protection for something already in God’s hands? It’s motherhood. It’s parenthood. It’s full of fear yet full of love. One day, we’ll have this fear no more, I know. He’ll crawl and call us by name. He’ll walk and fall. He’ll run and not stop even when you scream at him to stop. We know all is well, but we still stay awake to ensure that indeed all is well.

—Julie

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