I am a firstborn daughter young Igbo woman who lives in Cameroon for school. Despite the distance, I have a good relationship with my father. By this, I mean I don’t go against him no matter what. Yes, you can say that I am a typical daddy’s girl.

Somewhere in 2022, I started dating Ade, a Yoruba guy I met here. Usually, I tell my dad everything going on in my life. However, for some reason, I couldn’t tell him about this guy. I told myself I would tell him when there was something to tell.

I don’t know how he found out or if he even found out at all. Maybe it was just a coincidence. I was talking to my dad one day when he told me, “Ifeoma, I hope you are not over there entertaining the affection of any man who does not belong to our tribe.” I evaded the question by saying I was making a lot of good friends. He answered, “Make all the friends you want, but bear in mind that you will only marry an Igbo man.”

My father is not someone who talks about these things in jest. He had never mentioned such a thing to me until now. But regardless of the timing of his message, I knew I would only be wasting Ade’s time if I continued to date him. How was I going to leave him, though? 

In 2023, I reconnected with an old friend. We started talking again. I hadn’t left Ade, but I gave my old friend, Tony, attention. The more we spoke, the more feelings developed between us. By the time he asked me to be his girlfriend, I was already ready to be with him. So I said yes. Then I broke things off with Ade.

At first, things with Tony were great. The communication was on point. The connection was sizzling. He made me happy. I felt I made a good choice when I settled with him. I didn’t see it coming. I mean, the change. It was gradual, but the impact felt like it happened. Before I knew it, phone calls became nonexistent in the relationship. All the little things he did that made me fall in love with him ceased. Spending time with him was something else. We only saw each other when I was on break from school. 

I tried to communicate. I complained about the distance between us. I tried to do things to remind him how good we had it. Unfortunately, nothing changed.

During this emotionally unavailable phase, I fell on Ade for comfort. He made me feel less alone. It was just friendship, but when Tony found out, he didn’t take it lightly. He went through my phone and read my chat with my best friend. That was how he knew that I was still in touch with my ex. He also read in our chat that men sent me money from time to time. I bore no emotional ties with them, but he still didn’t like that I received money from them.

He cried. I apologized and told him I would cut everyone off and stick to only him. “I will be happy if you do. Whatever you need, ask me, don’t ask anyone else. I will do my best to support you.” I agreed.

For a while, things improved, but only on the surface. Deep down, he hadn’t truly forgiven me. He held onto what happened, and every time we argued, he would shut me out. If I tried to express how I felt, he would turn cold and distant again. Still, I stayed. I felt I had to make it work.

During this period, a new Yoruba guy who lives in Nigeria started texting me. I was honest with him from the beginning. I told him I was in a relationship. So our conversations were respectful. But one day he asked me, “How can you be so emotionally available if you have a boyfriend?” That question hit me hard. It made me realize I was feeling emotionally neglected.

I opened up to him about everything that happened in the relationship, including the chat Tony read. He advised me to go see my boyfriend and have an honest conversation with him. I did. But again, Tony was cold and distant. While I was there, the Yoruba guy called me. I told him where I was and said I didn’t know how to start the conversation. He made a comment that made me laugh. That moment ruined everything. 

He dropped the conversation about the distance in our relationship and only focused on who I was laughing with. From that day, things began to fall apart.

Now, our chats are dry. He no longer checks on me. He doesn’t seem to care. I’ve cried. I’ve begged. I’ve prayed. I’ve done everything to get him to show me he still loves me. But nothing different is happening. 

I’ve tried to end the relationship multiple times, but every time, he acts as if he still wants me, only to go back to ignoring me a few days later. I’m so tired of everything, but I am also finding it hard to let him go. So we are stuck in this toxic cycle where we know we are not working, but we won’t also let go. Things with Ade were never like this. I wish I didn’t have to walk away from him because of his tribe.

– Ifeoma