I am a woman who has been through a lot when it comes to relationships. I don’t even want to get into my past disappointments. Only that if I let go of my current boyfriend, my mother would ask me, “What happened to this one too.” That’s what I am trying to avoid. I don’t want her to be disappointed on my behalf yet again. Or worse, she might think I have a problem with men but that’s not even the case. 

My problem now only has to do with Addo, the man I am in a relationship with. I met him four years ago on campus. We became friends and along the line, he proposed love to me. I was in a relationship at the time so I wasn’t interested in him. I turned him down as gently as possible but things became a little awkward between us. Although we did not end our friendship, we could not stay in touch either. We only watched each other’s status. That’s how I knew he was alive and well. 

Somewhere in July last year, I posted my photo on my WhatsApp status and he replied to it. I also responded and we ended up having a little chat. By then, things had ended between me and my boyfriend. The breakup really affected me but I put in the work to heal. It happened that Addo and I started talking just when I was ready to give love another shot. 

He brought up his proposal again; “I am not here to play with you, my dear. I want the real deal. Marriage, kids, and everything in between.” As I stated earlier, I was ready. I felt like I knew him long enough. Therefore I didn’t see any point in dragging my answer. I said yes and we started something beautiful and sweet.

You know how the beginning of relationships usually is. Everyone is on their best behaviour. Even if there are hidden biases, they don’t come out until you are both comfortable in the relationship. That’s how I didn’t notice the misogyny in this guy’s utterances until the veil of new love wore off. 

The first thing I noticed about him is that he is not the kind of guy who gives his woman money. I had concerns but I figured we were not married yet. “Maybe, he won’t be like that with his wife,” I thought. I also told myself that it didn’t matter because I have a job. I work as a banker while he is a teacher by profession. Truly, I didn’t need his money to take care of myself and my daughter. 

That’s one thing I never hid from him, my daughter. He even knew I had a child before we started talking. One of my coursemates who is his friend told him. I also spoke to him about it the minute I sensed he was interested in me. And throughout the relationship, I mentioned my daughter whenever we were making plans for our future. 

Recently, we were discussing the kind of apartment we would live in after marriage. I told him, “Akua is twelve now. She needs her own space if we are all going to live under one roof, so it’s best we rent a two-bedroom house.” Addo shook his head vehemently and said, “No way. We will rent a chamber and hall apartment.” He said we would make room in the hall for Akua to lay her bed and sleep every night. He waved off my protest with the line, “That’s how my aunt did it when we were young.”

I offered to add my money to top up the rent so we could get the two-bedroom apartment. That way my daughter would have her own room. “Having an extra bedroom helps. We might even have relatives visiting us when we get married. Are we going to let them sleep in the hall with Akua? Wouldn’t it be better if we had another bedroom they could use?” He still said no. In his words, “If you want to help me pay for rent, then it shouldn’t be because you want a room for Akua. Don’t bring her up when it has to do with your money.” I didn’t want us to argue about it so I dropped the subject. 

Recently, we were having another discussion about rent. Which areas to look for, how much money we should budget, among other things. I tried to make some inputs and this guy retorted, “I don’t want a woman who will co-chair with me when it comes to decision-making. I am a smart man. Everything I say is always right.” 

Honestly, that statement shook me. It had me thinking about all the things I had swept under the carpet until this point. For instance, there is no way Addo will apologize for anything he does wrong. If I tell him he hurt my feelings by saying something offensive, he would respond; “As for me, I always speak the truth. How you handle it is your problem.” Truly, he would never say sorry.

There was also a time during the talking stage when we were having a conversation about cheating. Addo opened his mouth and told me that a man is always a man. Hence, there is nothing wrong if a man cheats. “Imagine if we grow old and you are not able to satisfy my needs. Are you saying I shouldn’t get someone on the side to do it for me?” He then added that if men go out to cheat and bring a child home, women must not complain. 

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Come to think of it. Addo has said so many things in the course of our relationship that suggest he looks down on women. I don’t know how I overlooked all of them until now. I believe that if it hadn’t been for our disagreement concerning the rent issue, I would have continued to be blind to all his biases. 

He always wants to boss me around as if I can’t think for myself. Don’t get me wrong. I know my place as a woman but don’t make me feel less important. After everything I have seen, I get cold feet when I think about marrying him. I don’t even want to go into the things he says about the plans for our ceremony. It’s all about him and barely anything about me or what I want. I worry that my daughter would grow under the influence of such a man.

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Currently, there is another man in the picture. We met at a work conference. He is four years older than me and has also assured me he is ready to settle down. I haven’t given him my attention because I am still with Addo.

Also, I keep getting this feeling that he might be married. I asked him several times and he swears he is single but I am not able to believe him. Unlike Addo, I feel at peace when I am around him. He seems good on paper but he is also new. Who knows what he is also hiding? I don’t want to mess up by marrying Addo, and neither do I want to mess up by embracing this man too quickly. I am confused. Where do I go from here?” 

— Barbara

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