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It all started when I gave birth. I struggled with everything after delivery. I struggled to walk and I struggled to sleep at night. Lifting became a problem because most of the time my hands were numb. My mom came to live with us, to help take care of the baby and also help me get around. The kind of baby we had was the kind who didn’t sleep at night. He’ll wake up and cry for no reason at all. Nothing we did calmed him down.

Give him breastmilk, he’ll cry. Lift him up and sing for him, he’ll still cry. Carry him in your arms and walk around, he’ll still cry. So, it became very difficult to have a peaceful sleep at night, both for me and my husband. My husband woke up every morning with a tired-looking face. He went to work and felt lousy and sleepy. His output was affected badly so we decided to make some changes around.

In the night, my mom came to sleep in the room with me while my husband slept in the guest room. That way, he could enjoy his night without any baby drama. This continued until our baby was six months old and had stopped disturbing at night. When my mom left us, I expected things to return to normal. I expected my husband to return to our bedroom and share the same bed with us but he continued sleeping in the guest room. I asked him to return. I complained about it. I nagged about it but he continued sleeping in the guestroom. He said, “It’s a three-bedroom house, what’s wrong if I sleep in one and you sleep in another? After all, we are paying for everything?”

We needed help—someone who could take care of the baby while we went to work. I brought in a long-distance cousin to do that work for us. Two months later, she walked to me and said, “I want to leave.” I asked, “Why do you want to? Is there something you would like to go home and do?” She answered, “Nothing but I just want to leave.” I didn’t understand this sudden change of mind. I told my husband about it. He said, “If she wants to leave, let her go? Maybe there’s something she would like to go and do. She can’t tell you everything, you know.”

So, days later, she left. We brought in another lady. A colleague at work recommended her to me. I interviewed her in the presence of my husband and we both agreed she could do the work. Three months later, she said there was a funeral she wanted to attend in her hometown. She left and never came back. I called her several times and she didn’t pick up my call. When I called with another line and she picked up, she said, “I’ve found a new job here because I want to be closer to my sick mom.” Finding another person became harder. I didn’t want to bring in another girl and the next day she would be off.

I told my husband, “Let’s bring back my mom. That would be better than bringing in another person who’ll later disappear.” He said, “No problem. If only she will like to come.” So, we brought back my mom to continue taking care of the kid.

I and my husband continued sleeping in separate rooms. I tried all I could to get him to change his mind but he didn’t. Some nights I would go to his room and spend the night there. Mostly he didn’t like it. He will tell me, “If you need me, tell me and I will come there. Don’t be coming here. I study here and do a lot of job stuff here and I want to maintain it that way,” he said. My mom thought we were having marital problems. I told her we were ok but she didn’t believe it. “How can a married couple sleep in separate rooms if there is no problem?” She asked. I responded, “We are fine. He needs space for work and all.” I had to lie to keep her at ease.

One dawn, our boy disturbed my sleep. I stayed awake all night till I decided to go online. I saw my husband online on WhatsApp. “This guy is online at this time?” I walked to his door and knocked. I knocked for several minutes and he pretended he was asleep. When he finally opened the door, he talked like someone who has just woken up from sleep. I said, “I just saw you online and you’re pretending to be sleeping?” This guy swore heaven and earth that he wasn’t online. It was late. I didn’t want to cause any trouble. I just walked in with our son and slept there for the rest of the night.

One morning, my mom asked me again, “Are you sure you two are not having issues?” I asked her, “Why are you asking me that? I’ve told you time and again that we are fine.” She said, “Last night, your husband went out when you were sleeping and came back at dawn. A week ago, I heard his footsteps when he was leaving the house. When he was returning at dawn, I heard his footsteps too. Do you know where he goes and comes back that late?”

One night, he came to spend the night with me. Later in the night, around 11pm, he got up and said he was going to his room. An hour later, I went to his door and it was locked. I called his phone several times and he didn’t pick up but the phone didn’t ring from the inside. My mom shouted from her room, “He stepped out. I heard his footsteps.” I went to the hall and sat there, waiting for him to return. Around 2am, he opened the door to the hall and entered. Immediately he saw me, he jolted. “Eiii…are you not sleeping?” He asked. “So where are you coming from?” I asked.

For close to ten minutes, he was there trying to explain himself. He didn’t make sense but I let him go.

The next day, I told him, “You’re not sleeping in that room again. If you insist, we will come and join you there. Maybe you like a smaller room.” He came back to our room. But I wasn’t going to pretend everything was fine so I started going through his things, looking for evidence of infidelity. I had none. His phone was the next place to check. That too didn’t yield any results. There was nothing there to see. Maybe he was deleting his messages.

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I called that distant relative who came to live with us. I had only one question for her. I said, “Tell me the truth. Why did you leave? It has to do with my husband, right?” She didn’t want to talk. I pushed her. I coerced her until she finally said, “Yeah, he made attempts on me. Three times. The last one he succeeded.” I called the second girl. She said, “When I didn’t allow him, he said he was going to sack me the next day. I decided to leave before he sacks me.”

I didn’t know how to feel about everything. I blamed myself for not paying attention. I blamed myself for allowing him all that space to be able to do all what he did. I asked him, “Those girls who once lived with us, what did you do to them.” He said, “What kind of stupid question is that?” I said, “They called to tell me what you did and the reason why they left so suddenly.” When I narrated what the ladies told me, he denied it. He swore heaven and earth that nothing of that sort happened. He said, “They are ready to tarnish my image because you have allowed them. I swear you are all going to pay for it.”

Those girls had no reason to lie. I believed them but I had no evidence to support my case.

Now I live in a marriage where the ghost of what he tried to do with the girls keeps haunting me. He tried to touch me the other time and I suddenly felt like vomiting. I can’t stand him. I hate him and don’t want to breathe next to him. My mum said, “Now that you know, maybe he’ll change so learn to forgive him.” But how do I forgive a sin that hadn’t been admitted? We are back to square one. We sleep in separate rooms but this time, I’m the one who doesn’t want to share the same bed with him.

–Frema 

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