“I don’t like kids and I don’t intend to have them when I marry,” I said this when I was seventeen. I stayed with an aunt who had twins. She abandoned the kids on me. The only thing she did was breastfeed. At night when they cried, she beat them. She was a single mother. I understood her frustration, the pain and the hustle she had to go through to juggle work and raising children.
After having first-hand experience in raising two kids at the same time, I decided kids are not for me. They are too much investment and the kind of energy one needs to raise them is the kind of energy I don’t have. I told friends I didn’t want kids and they told me, “You’re too young to say this. When you grow up you’ll change your mind.”
I’m no longer nineteen. I’m twenty-nine and the feeling is still the same. Every guy I dated along the way got told that I didn’t want kids in the future. They knew they wouldn’t belong in my future so they didn’t have issues with it. I think they were even happy about it because each one that I said that to asked me, “So if pregnancy accidentally happens, what would you do?”
I answered, “I won’t have it. It will be gone before you even get to know it.”
After that answer, the conversation ended. I could conclude they were happy. Some were careless with me but I never got pregnant anyway. I didn’t take any precautions too. I told myself, “I said it and somehow the universe has heard me. She won’t throw what I don’t want in my way.”
I’m now old enough to know that the universe doesn’t work this way so I’ve started taking precautions against pregnancy. I met a man who was way older than I am. He had been married before and had three children. I was attracted to him because I felt a man like him won’t want any more children. My feelings were wrong.
Three months into the relationship he started talking about marriage; “I’ve been single since my divorce five years ago. I want to settle down again before I waste the little youth left in me. Would you marry me when the time comes?”
I answered yes and told him, “But I don’t want kids. I want to be called someone’s wife. The word Mrs does something to my spirit whenever I hear it so I want to be someone’s Mrs by all means but kids? Naaa. I don’t want them.”
His face changed. Like I’ve dropped the news of his mother on him. “Why don’t you want kids? A beautiful woman like you would make beautiful kids. That’s how God made it. Even the ugly ones are proud to give birth, how much more you?”
He wanted what I couldn’t give so I decided to withdraw. He thought he could win me with money but money doesn’t work on me the way it does to some people. He went to the extent of speaking to my parents about it. That they should convince me to want kids so he could marry me. My dad told him he couldn’t force me. My mom tried though he didn’t like the man in question.
We couldn’t marry because both of us wanted different things in life. I don’t judge him for wanting kids but he spent the days of his life judging me for making such a decision. He made it look like losing him was the worst mistake I would ever do. I didn’t mind. I moved on.
I’m currently dating Jonathan. I’m a year older than him but he says age has no role to play when the heart is involved. I love his maturity and I love the way he looks at the world. He’s someone you would call open-minded. The day we discussed the age gap, we talked about children too. I told him, “Apart from the age thing, I hope you don’t mind if I tell you I won’t have kids?”
His question was, “You have a problem with your reproductive system?” I screamed, “Hell no! I’m very ok everywhere. I’m a full human being. If you doubt me I would get pregnant for you to see that I can get pregnant. I just don’t like children and it’s not an interim plan. It’s something I decided never to have. Are you ok with that?”
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Again he responded, “I’m very ok with that. Different people want different things and I respect that. Today, I agree with you but I’m also young. If at a certain point, I decide I’ve changed my mind and want kids, I hope you’ll understand me?”
I nodded and told him it has happened to me before and I let go. I told him also, “If you decide you want kids before marriage, both of us can go our separate ways in peace. If you wait until marriage before you tell me you want kids, then things might turn ugly. I won’t give you a divorce and I won’t give you kids too. You’ll lay just as you lay your bed.”
We both had a good laugh and continued living our lives.
We’ve dated for three years. He still doesn’t want children and I still don’t want children. He had come home to do knocking and we have started getting the items on the list only for his mother to call me one day to tell me, “My son is never going to marry a woman who doesn’t have a womb. We are cancelling everything. Pretend we didn’t do the knocking because the marriage isn’t coming on.”
His mom spoke to me bitterly as if I’d offended her in another life. I quickly called Jonathan and told him what his mother has told me. He was calm about it. He said, “Ignore her. She’s not the one going to marry you.” My next question was, “How did your mom get to know about my decision not to have kids? Did you discuss it with her?”
His answer was all over the place. What I picked was he said it jovially and his mom picked on it with all the seriousness she could muster.
Days later, his father also called me. He was calm and acted gentlemanly; “He’s our only son. We want our family name to persist after we are gone. You will give us grandchildren. If you will say yes to that then we love you and will accept you as our in-law.”
I told him I would think about it but really, there’s nothing to think about.
As time goes on, I’m beginning to think this whole thing is Jonathan’s idea to get out of the relationship without me blaming him. After all, he didn’t do it. His parents did it. So a few days ago, I sat him down and poured my heart out to him, “There’s nothing wrong if you want kids. You still can opt out and it won’t be the first. Just tell me the truth instead of stringing me along.”
He said, “I want you in my life and I’ve made it clear. My parents can’t change that. Just be patient.”
But for how long? How long can I be patient and wait for his parents to change their minds when I could be out there looking for another opportunity?
I Lost My Virginity When I Was Seventeen
I know my stand is a very difficult one considering the culture we are in but I know there’s a man out there for me. I don’t want to waste my time so I’m thinking of breaking up with him today and moving on tomorrow. Is that a good idea? What keeps me guessing is the what-ifs. “What if he wants this and can convince his parents to accept me? What if…?”
—Florence
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Not everyone wants kids. I understand you. But the thing is many don’t understand you. Only you understand yourself better. Many of those who didn’t want had the kids thrown in their way. Be open minded .open your mind to the probability of it happening by mistake. Things happen by mistake. Some beautiful things are born out of that mistake. You want people to be open minded about you not wanting kids but you yourself have closed your mind about having kids so have the people around you closed their mind to you not wanting kids. In this world you get what you give out. The way you are saying things and doing things is the same way they are treating you. No mom will allow their son or daughter to get married to a close minded person. You have a scarred childhood that is why you Don’t like kids. See a therapist. Speak out about your experience. But if you were to get pregnant accidentally have it in mind to remain truthful to your partner Don’t abort it without his knowledge because my dear you will leave your marriage in shambles and you as a whole will live in regrett. Don’t close your mind ,open your mind to things changing and happening. Even if you leave this one and get another he will say no kids now but in the near future he will change his mind. But mind you, you said you won’t divorce neither will you give him kids so if he get a woman to give him kids Don’t blame him. A characteristic of man is that he or she changes their mind. So don’t be surprised if he does. Am not judging you look at it this way you want them to understand you buy you are not willing to explain yourself to them so they can understand you. Two you don’t want to understand them. Life is reciprocal. You don’t expect me to understand you and you not wanting to understand me. Life is not like that. Try and see it from his parents view he is an only child so they expect him to produce kids. Am not saying you should change your mind but at least open your mind to the probability of things happening. In this life things don’t always go as planned and we do not get what we always want. Things get thrown in our way by fate all we have to do is handle it with maturely and with good faith. God won’t give us what we can’t handle. Nobody likes a closed minded person. Even if you leave this relationship and enter another you will still face the same problem so why don’t you face this head on. This world is small yet so big this mean that we should always open up our mind to probabilities, new ideas,understanding others etc because if you are closed minded you won’t be able to live in this world because you might think the world is against you but its not so but it is you against you. Open up your mind ,your heart and soul . Pray for God to heal you cause he is a healer. Last but not the least don’t change your mind because people want you to but because you want ,need to and have the love to do it. Good luck 👍.
Lets go straight to the point. Your reasons for not giving birth is not tangible and only men In their 70s will cope with you. You have taken such a reckless decision by not giving birth yet you keeps thinking of “ifs” the boldness you had to take the decision not to give birth, carry that same boldness and keep making silly decision, when you grow and catch 50 years plus, you will then understand nature. Let your youthfulness be deceiving you.
On a lighter note MAAMEFUA i guess is a fun of this page.
I doubt Jonathan’s parents will ever come to terms with your decision. Ultimately, Jonathan may have to choose between you and his parents. Is he prepared to cut off his parents for you now and forever? Are you sure he can withstand the pressure from his friends to remain childless? I think you can only maintain a childless relationship if your partner shares similar convictions or the person is infertile. Alternatively, you can present yourself as infertile to your potential in laws to curb their expectations going forward.
You are not ready to have children but you are ready to get pregnant for a man just to show that you are fertile, and then abort it? Are you ok up there? If you are so adamant about not having kids, then why don’t you go and have your womb removed once and for all?
Listen to advice, young lady. “Make a mistake”, and have at least one child. It will change your future. I know it sounds so boring, but you need God. Go and meet him in church.
You’re young and I won’t say much to you, get out of that idea of not wanting children! When you get to 45 – 50+, there you will understand that you need children more than anything you can think of! Don’t be a fool to allow your youthfulness deceive you!
You will end up becoming a lebian if that’s what you want!
Go and get your womb removed to prevent the ifs cos no parent will allow their only son marry woman who do not want kids. I think you should search for men who shares your views about not wanting kids. And leave those who will eventually have kids alone. All the best
My sister, why do you feel good about been called a Mrs. but think the name should not be carried forward into next generations. A woman who desires the title Mrs should go to the monkey 🐒 to become Mrs? If you think to see a psychiatrist to rewire your brain, then do it fast. Some few therapy sessions can do magic. You will soon see save the date of Jonathan and a different woman on social media. Bomboclat.
Pls have a second tot about this, because u will not like what society will throw at u when u get to 45 upwards and u fall sick, then u will bite your fingers. Pls sis have a second tot on this.
So when you are sick and lying down one day as we all do, who’s child should care and cater for you, young lady????
You should find someone with the same conviction as you if you’re going this path so there won’t be problems
Don’t believe those guys upward they had kids suffered because of it and wants to drag you down too if you don’t want kids don’t have them because it would be a problem for both you and the child also you’re one that’s going to be pregnant and give birth and suffer so it’s your choice
Also if you did want kids around you when you get old orphanage exist for a reason though you should have some savings because most people have kids due to social pressure or savings account for the future or just because because they actually want to good for them
You are saying this because of the experience your aunt put you through when you were only 17years. My question is, Would you have made the same decision if you had not gone through that experience? If you answer is YES, then go ahead with your decision to be childless. I’m sure some people here have already suggested ways you can stick to your decision and live your life. But if your answer to this question is NO, then I suggest you take a critical look at your decision again. The painful thing to live with is REGRET. Make sure you don’t live with one.
Go to r/childfree those people have the same views as you are
searching here where everyone has the same reason of not wanting it until they have it when it’s only because they have no choice so they can only say they want it
What an irresponsible reason for thinking of not having children?
Does your parent know your reason and do they buy into it??
Why didn’t you rather think of treating your own children right in future when that aunt of yours was treating hers bad??
Well, i think you need a therapy or a counselor to talk to if not, then don’t think of getting married but think of sleeping around or getting yourself a man who’s done giving birth or someone who will not be able to give birth cos no responsible young strong man will want to marry and be childless for the rest of his life. Who does that??
Hmmmmmm my dear if you don’t want to have children why don’t you adopt one. You see children are there to help us in our old age to get us water to drink take care of us when sick etc. If you are taking care of your nephews and neices my desr they would help their family before they think about you. So pls give it a taught n adopt a child love n natire it fof the future.