I called his phone all day and he didn’t pick up so when I closed from work that day I went to his house. When I got there, I knocked. No answer. I turned the doorknob and it opened. His room was very dark. The light was off. I threw my fingers on the wall, massaging my way to the switch. My fingers finally located the switch but I was scared to turn on the light. I called his name; “Nicholas. Nicholas. Nick, why are you doing this to yourself?” I could hear him breathing but he said no word. I turned on the light and saw him lying on his back on the floor. He squinted and later turned his face against the wall to avoid the blinding light.

I stood there for a while, waiting for him to say something but he never did. “Nick, you don’t believe me again? We’ll fight this together. I will never leave your side until we get to the end of this. Why don’t you believe me? I’m still here. I’m never going to leave you.” His face was still against the wall and his back towards me. At this time he was no longer swerving the light. He was hiding his teary face from me. I could hear him sobbing. He was breaking my heart yet I couldn’t do anything about it. 

Days before that day we were delighted. We were an item without an expiring date. We walked through the sun and it sets on us but we told ourselves that love isn’t going t set on us. Even if it dies someday, it will rise up from the ashes and thrive again because God created us for each other. 

We met three years prior. We were friends for a year before he proposed to me. He struggled to say it. He was a shy guy but everything he wanted to say was written in his bashful eyes whenever he looked at me. One day he gathered the courage and said it. I scared him a little. I pretended I was angry. I pretended he had told me the most abominable word when he said he loved me. 

I said, “Nicholas, you’ve disappointed me. I thought I was your friend, a sister even. Why would you tell me this? You want to sleep with your sister, Nicholas?” He started apologizing and I laughed at him. He thought he had lost the friendship so he was putting up a fight to undo his mistake. I accepted his proposal and the two of us started a journey that led us to the day I found him in the dark. 

We agreed not to have sex before marriage. We thought it was going to be easy. We would go through life as we used to without perceiving each other sexually. Little did we know that emotions get messed up once you cross the line from friendship to lovers. 

When we were alone together, we kissed until one of us came to our senses and stopped the act before it got too far. That person was always me. I was tasked to do that but proved to be the weaker vessel once love was in the way. He introduced me to his pastor and that pastor became our moral compass. He also became our accountability partner. I was shy of him so anytime we were on the edge and the thought of him crossed my mind, I pulled away from Nick’s embrace and reminded him of our commitment to no sex before marriage. 

That was the only thing we struggled with in the relationship. Nick never gave me problems like the other guys I dated. I was his third girlfriend but I couldn’t give him a number because a lot had come and gone. There was a time I dated a guy for just one week. When I started counting I didn’t know if I should count him as an ex. I was his third and he was the love of my life. I called him that to differentiate him from the bad ones that nearly killed my soul and numbed my heart. 

We started talking about marriage as something that will put an end to fornication but his pastor urged us to find a true purpose before we decide on marriage. We did. The purpose was for us to remain with each other until death do us part because we loved each other so much to let go. 

He came to perform the knocking rite one day and set the ball of marriage rolling. It was just around that time we started doing a series of tests to confirm that indeed, we could go ahead and get married without any physical challenges. We did blood genotype and did for blood group. We tested for chronic medical conditions and did HIV tests too. We went for the results one morning before going to work. 

When you go for such results and they try to counsel you before they give it to you, then you know something is wrong. They spoke to us both as a couple and the woman asked us, “Who else is going to look at your results?” I answered, “It’s the church that asked for it so maybe we’ll tell our pastors about it.” 

She asked me to excuse her while she speaks to Nick alone. When I met Nick again, he was looking like a shadow, faded but still visible. I didn’t understand his mood change so I asked what the issue was. He said, “Let’s go to work. I’ll tell you later.” I asked, “Is it about the results? We can’t get married?” He forced a smile and told me everything was right. The woman also told us that everything was alright so I didn’t understand his mood change. We parted ways and went to our places of work. office. I was in a taxi when he sent me a message; “I am positive. I tested HIV positive but she said I should do it again in another facility to be sure before I tell you.” 

I called right after I read the message but he didn’t pick up my calls. He didn’t pick up until I went to his place that evening and saw him in the dark, sobbing and turning away from the light.

When he finally spoke to me, he said, “You don’t have to prove anything to me. I know your heart and I know how true you are but we can’t go on again. How do we marry knowing we can never be intimate? What’s the point?” Don’t let us waste our time hoping for a miracle that may never come. I’ll understand if you marry someone else. It’s my cross and I’ll carry it myself.” 

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I cried. I hugged him on the floor. I told him not to say that. “There’s a way to go around this. There’s a cure. I’ve heard some herbal doctors claiming they can cure it. Why don’t we try before you give up? Let’s see how far we can go with this. Let’s put up a fight together before we think about anything else.” He insisted I should leave him alone to think through things so I did. While away from him, I started reading about the possibility of an HIV-positive person marrying a negative person. 

I got to know about PrEP and got to know that he could take medications for at least six months. When his load becomes undetectable, we could have shuperu without any problem to my health. I was happy to know there are a lot of such relationships going on and are called serodiscordant. I called him and told him about it. He wasn’t in the mood to listen to anything. He told me, “I’m fighting for my life and all you think about is marriage? I’ve told you what I think. It’s not going to be Ok for me to go through this with you. At least leave me alone for a while.”

‘For a while’ turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. He came to my family to tell them he couldn’t go on with the marriage again because of health reasons. He used sickle cell as an excuse. I wasn’t home when he went to see my parents. He said the same thing to our pastor too. Pastor called to ask me and I told him it was true but we were seeking medical advice. He advised us to tread cautiously but to me I wanted us to work through it and see how far we could go. He didn’t want it that way so we had to break up. The best man that came into my life was leaving when I was ready to keep going regardless. 

I kept calling him and asking how far with him. He told me, “You’re the only person who has become a constant reminder of my sickness. I see your call and I remember I’m dying. Can you stop calling me so I forget? It’s a plea.” 

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Two years ago we broke up. I’ve tried relationships thrice and it didn’t work. None of them would wait until marriage before shuperu. They run away when I ask them to do an HIV test before intimacy. Maybe they think I’m asking for too much or they think I’m paranoid. I’ve seen enough so I can’t take chances. They come and they go but I’m not giving up. Nick is doing well too. We talk every now and then but we don’t talk about his health. He made it clear that he doesn’t want to be reminded about it. The fact that he’s doing well is enough. He has life and that’s all that matters. 

–Shania

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