I dated Agnes for two years. I helped with her rent and supported her whenever she needed money. I wasn’t keeping records, but a lot of money and time went into that relationship. Eventually, when it came to an end, I broke down. I found myself telling her, “After everything I’ve done for you, is that how you decide to pay me back?”

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She found a man who gave more than I had and was also nicer. She didn’t break up with me until I found out. While mourning my heartbreak, I asked myself, “Why would I do all that for a woman who would eventually leave me broken?”

The answer was sex. I didn’t get anything of note from Agnes apart from those emotional moments. I called it love, but I was the only one giving while she collected and gave sex.

She wasn’t the only woman I had dated. With every woman I dated, I was the one providing. So I advised myself that if the only thing I would get from a woman was sex, then I would invest my money in myself and wait patiently until marriage before thinking about intimacy. I was thirty-one when I took this decision.

The next woman who came into my life was Petra. I told her right from the start that I didn’t need sex from her. I wanted to build something that would last beyond intimacy, and she agreed. I learned many things from that relationship. I made better decisions from my head and not from my emotions. I gave when I wanted to, not because I wanted to impress her.

When she asked me for something, I thought about it from all angles before deciding when to help and when to hold back. I didn’t give her money for hair and nails. I didn’t spend on dates just to impress her. I was with her to build. She found many problems with my approach and started complaining. She even pushed for sex, but I walked away. When she left me, it didn’t hurt. One thing she couldn’t call me was stingy. Women often call a man stingy when they offer sex and he doesn’t give money—because, to most of them, intimacy equals money.

You can’t accuse a man of being stingy when he doesn’t take the only thing you think you have to offer. Becky came along. She thought I was impotent and hiding behind celibacy. I told her, “I’m fine. Blood runs through me, and I feel desire like every man. It’s just a personal decision not to act on it.”

She accused me of using my head when I should think with my heart. Her favorite phrase was, “If you love me, you’ll do this or that…” My answer was, “I love you, but it has to make sense for our present and our future.”

She had a car and wanted me to buy her fuel sometimes because she visited me occasionally. When she said she was broke and I told her that owning a car was beyond her budget and she should park it and use public transport, she said I was insulting her and that I wasn’t considerate.

Eventually, she also left. Then Erica came along. She laughed when I said I didn’t want sex from her. “Why are you talking as if sex is something a woman gives and not something both people share?”

She told me honestly that she might want it along the way, but if I didn’t want to, it was fine. We started from a place of understanding—that we would both build and enjoy the relationship. She gave gifts willingly. I’m not very good with gifts, so sometimes when she bought something for me, I would repay her in my own way.

Before we realized it, we were talking about marriage, moving in together, and how many children we wanted.

We dated for two years. The temptation was there. We came very close on several occasions. She even asked the same question Becky had asked: “Are you sure you can perform? Let me confirm.”

Finally, on the day we got married, we couldn’t even do anything for days. I asked her, “So this is what you were pressuring me about?” She laughed and said, “We’ve only just started. You’d better brace yourself.”

I learned a lot from that single decision to stay away from intimacy. As a man, it’s not easy, especially when your eyes still see beauty and your mind remembers past experiences. But once you’re able to control your desires, your thinking becomes sharper. You begin to see women for what they truly bring to the table, and you develop the strength to either accept them or let them go.

Again, no woman can have power over you once you decide to step away from sex. I think most men don’t realize how powerful they can be because they’ve surrendered themselves to their desires. How can a woman break your heart when all she offers is “bedmatics”?

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So I’ve started speaking to young men about this. In church, in schools, even at work, I tell every man I meet that they can become more focused and grounded if they choose celibacy. It improves their focus, finances, stability, and decision-making in relationships.

Many don’t listen, but if you do, you might discover a truth that could set you free.

—Herbert  

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