One evening, we were watching TV when my husband fell asleep like he always did. His phone’s screen lit up with a notification that came from a very popular hotel. It got my attention so I picked up the phone and went through his emails. He had booked a hotel in Kumasi for the weekend.

It didn’t strike me that he had something up his sleeve until he told me the next morning that he was travelling to Accra for a funeral over the weekend. “He booked a hotel in Kumasi but he’s going to Accra? So who’s going to sleep in the hotel he booked in Kumasi?”

While he was away, I started going through his things to see what else he might be hiding. I found bank deposit receipts in his bags, about six of them. They were all paid into the same account belonging to one Abigail. I went through documents on his laptop and read emails. There were other payments to the same Abigail. I put all the amount together and in three months, my husband had paid over GHC10,000 to the same account belonging to Abigail. I found condoms. I found a wristwatch belonging to a woman. It was new, wrapped in a gift box.

When he came, I laid all the evidence before him and the question he asked me was, “Why were you going through my things? What were you looking for?”

I told him about the hotel and put it to him that he was in Kumasi and not in Accra. He argued with me. I took his phone and went through his photo gallery. I checked the Metadata of the last photo he took. It had the name of a place in Kumasi. I showed it to him and said, “So you were in Kumasi and Accra at the same time?”

He didn’t have anything to say. This is a man I’d married for six years with one child. We had always been managing. We split bills or took turns to pay. If I pay fees this term, it would be his turn next term. We had a joint account we contributed percentages of our salary. He didn’t buy me a gift, not even on my birthday. He didn’t take us out, not even on anniversaries. Had it not been the receipts I saw, I wouldn’t have known my husband had that much money to give away.

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He didn’t apologize. He walked around pretending he was the victim. Our marriage was never the same again until we found ourselves in court going through the process of divorce. I told him, “We didn’t have to come this far and you know it. All you had to was apologize and mend your ways but you did none of that. It’s OK. After here, you can go and marry Abigail. Obviously, she’s the one you want.”

A little over a year after our divorce, he married Abigail, a lady he was eleven years older than. It didn’t hurt me to know what he had done but the resentment I had for him increased. I didn’t want to see him anywhere close to me or even smell him. We had a child together and it was the reason I kept seeing him around often. When he called to see the child, I asked him to stand outside and wait for him. I’ll dress him up, open the door and let him out without me seeing the face of that man.

Two years after his marriage we came face to face with each other during our child’s birthday. He wasn’t looking like the man I married. Something about him was off. He was lean and didn’t look like he was taking good care of himself. I was drowned with pity though I didn’t know what his problem was. After the birthday he said he wanted to talk to me so I waited. He apologized for everything that led to the end of our marriage and asked me not to hate him because of that. I asked why he was apologizing and he said, “I should have done that long ago I know but I still need your forgiveness. It’s the only wall between us now and I want those walls down.”

“Well, it came too late. Four years ago, that was all I ever wanted to hear but you didn’t give me the honor. It doesn’t matter anymore. You did what was best for you and I hope you’re happy.”

He asked if I’d forgiven him. I told him I wasn’t sure. He told me I could ask him for anything and he would be ready to help. I told him I didn’t need his help. “I’ve been fine as you can see and I will continue to be fine.”

Now I need help. Urgent help.

I’ve gained admission abroad to pursue the course of my dreams. I’ve been chasing this dream since divorce. When I was hurting and needed a distraction from reality, I thought it was the only thing that could give me the needed distraction. Now it’s here and I need some push.

Friends have tried their best. Family too. I still need help to smoothen the rough edges of my travel. I want to ask for help from my ex-husband and I know he’ll gladly help but asking for help from him will make him feel he had compensated me enough for his sins. He may feel relieved of the burden that pushed him to apologize after all these years.

I don’t want to give him that gift. He doesn’t deserve it. He could have married anybody else and it would have been OK but the fact that he married the reason for our divorce makes it embarrassing and also hurting.

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So now I’m torn between the rock and the hard surface. Either to go to him and seek help or just let it go and seek help from other areas I don’t know exist. I keep wondering, what if he’s the only one whose help would push me to travel outside for my studies? Will I accept his help or sit and stare as the opportunity slips away? I don’t know yet so I’m here thinking and waiting for a miracle.  

—Mama

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