I have always had this unfounded fear of falling in love. I didn’t know there was a name for it until I was doing some reading about my fears. I found out it’s called philophobia. It’s not as if I was ever in a relationship that didn’t end well. Nobody broke my heart. That’s why I don’t understand why the thought of being in love terrifies me. Any man who approached me with the intention to start a romantic relationship automatically made me uncomfortable. 

I was so sure that I would never be in a relationship for as long as I live. However, something changed in May last year. It started with a friend request on Facebook. I didn’t accept it immediately. I went to his profile first to check him out. I saw that he was my elder sister’s classmate. So I accepted his request and our connection began from that moment. 

Our conversations were first centered on life in general. He spoke about his struggles with getting a job among other things. Then it shifted to relationships. He told me, “I broke up with my girlfriend recently after I caught her cheating.” I could taste the pain in his words. “Aww, I am sorry,” I responded, “this is why I want nothing to do with relationships.” He was surprised I said that. He asked me why. And he was even more surprised when I mentioned my phobia to him.

After listening to me he said, “I am going to show you what it means to be loved.” Honestly, I thought his plan was to shower me with gifts and spoil me. That’s what love means to me. Not knowing this guy was proposing a relationship.

He didn’t even try to get an answer from me. He just started checking up on me regularly and calling me babe. It made me uncomfortable but I told myself, “Maybe if I give him a chance, he will help me overcome this fear.” So I gave in and decided to date him.

He didn’t have a job but I didn’t mind. I believe in staying by my man and building something together. I was ready to be his in any way he wanted. I am sure we could have had something beautiful. But the question is, how can you build anything with a broken man?

He was still bleeding from his past relationship. He wouldn’t admit it but I was the one suffering from standing too close to him. I could see that his pain consumed him. And it stained everything we shared. 

He wanted me to talk to him every waking moment of my time. He wanted me to be around him always. It was as if he was afraid if he gave me space for a minute, I would go out there and cheat on him. I tried to help him at first but it got to a point where I started feeling choked. I would see his name on my phone and panic when I should rather feel butterflies and excitement. It wasn’t healthy. So I started withdrawing from him. 

He noticed this and started complaining. “You don’t spend as much time with me anymore. What’s going on?” I didn’t know what to tell him in times like this so I stayed silent.

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Before this, he used to tell me every day how much he loved me. As for me, I could only type it. I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. I was hoping with time I would feel safe enough to say it but it never happened. The man I thought would help me overcome my fears was rather using me as a rebound.

Even after I made this observation, I didn’t try to leave him.

I didn’t know much about relationships, but I was willing to stay and learn if only he would be patient with me. He wasn’t. Instead, he started comparing me to every girl from his past who hurt him. Did I leave then? No, I stayed hoping things would get better with time.

I Accepted His Proposal When I Hadn’t Met Him Physically

After three months, he told me, “I have been complaining that you don’t give me enough attention but you haven’t changed. This is your last warning. I love you but the next time I talk, it won’t be another complaint. It will be a breakup.” I couldn’t breathe. It was as if he wanted me to live my life for him. That was when I realized he was too broken to be loved. If I tried, he would hurt me. 

I seized that moment and told him, “I think it’s best we break up. We are not compatible.” All he said was, “Okay, nice. Bye.” He didn’t even try to hold on to me. This confirmed my suspicions that I was just his rebound. Anyway, I am glad all that drama is over now. I’m back to my philophobic self. I’m not giving love another try anytime soon.

— Maeve

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