Six months after marriage, I realized my wife, Erica, had cheated twice. One happened months before marriage and the other happened just two months after marriage. We dated for four years before we got married, so what happened?
Before we started dating, she made it clear that she wanted marriage in the shortest possible time. She had come out of a three-year relationship that led nowhere and she was getting older, so she didn’t want to waste more time dating. I agreed with her and also told her I was ready for marriage but needed a little time to sharpen the edges of my life.
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A year into the relationship, I lost my job. I broke down into pieces. I didn’t see it coming. I bathed, dressed up, and went to work just like any other day but I came back home with a letter that said I had been laid off due to the financial struggles the company was going through and the restructuring activities they were undertaking. When I told Erica, she said, “Don’t worry. Better days are ahead.”
Better days didn’t come until a year later when I got a job that also didn’t pay as much as I had been earning. She stood by me. She prayed with me and was very patient with me, telling me not to give up. I loved her for that. I saw a future in her which I had never seen from the beginning.
When I found this new job that wasn’t paying much, she brought the marriage conversation back to the table again. She was hitting thirty and wanted assurances and clear directions concerning the future of the two of us. I said, “I’ve already lost a year of my life through unemployment and this new job is still not it. Kindly give time some time and let’s see. It’s you I’m going to marry.”
A year after working at this new job, I saved enough so I regained the confidence to talk about marriage. We sat down one evening and planned our wedding down to the T. We even assigned roles and dates for everything that was going to happen. A few months later, I got a better job. That changed our plans a little. It meant I could make the wedding better than we had planned it, so I asked for a year to make everything possible.
She agreed. She didn’t fight with me or nag or even question why I kept shifting the goalpost. To make her believe my intentions, I took her home to her family to perform the knocking rite. She was calm from there and that gave us space and time to finally pull the wedding off. She thanked me after the wedding. “For sticking to your word and not disappointing me, thank you.”
She said that the night after our wedding. I thanked her too for going through the shadows of the valley of death with me. I also thanked her for being an understanding girlfriend and hoped the same patience would carry us through all the phases of our marital journey. But just six months into marriage, I found out she had cheated twice with the same person.
She had saved the name on her phone as Chairman. The conversation between them didn’t happen every day but once they talked, everything was about sex. My wife encouraged every word and even made suggestions as to where to meet and one time said, “You’ll make all these plans with me and later ghost me. I hope this will be different.”
Three months before our wedding, she spent the night with him when the guy came to town. They talked about that night as the best night they’d ever had. Erica said, “If you were not busy running from me, these are the kinds of nights we would have.”
The second one happened two months after marriage. They hadn’t talked for months until the guy texted. It looked like they had had a phone call conversation before the text. They talked about our wedding. The guy said his heart was broken. My wife said, “Come let me mend it for you. I’ll show you that nothing has changed.”
The next few lines later, they were talking about the happiness they had while together. The guy said, “Your husband is lucky ooo. All this for him alone?”
I’d had enough so I stopped reading and waited for her to settle down. Once she saw me holding her phone with the look on my face, she knew something had happened. “Who’s Chairman?” I asked.
“Oh don’t tell me you read my messages. Why would you do that?” she answered.
I screamed. In fact, I roared, “Tell me who the hell he is and why you are sleeping with him even after we are married.”
She shrunk into a little piece of a human and started shaking on the spot. This anger was different. It was fiery. Another man had tampered with what I thought was sealed for me. She said he was a man she met at work and the man was a chairman of certain companies. She was looking for a job for me when I was unemployed. The man went abroad and didn’t return until I had found a job. When they remained friends, one thing led to another and it happened.
I asked her to show me a picture of the man. She apologized profusely but said she didn’t have photos of him because he was a very private person. I didn’t believe her. I used days to find out who that Chairman was. It wasn’t anyone else but her ex, the one she left for me. That made it worse. I even cried. “Why would you do that to me? If he’s the one you wanted then why leave him for me?”
We fought. We argued. She apologized and pleaded that this shouldn’t end our marriage. Nothing hurts more than knowing your wife bent for her ex. I asked why. I wanted to know why she opened the door for him. She said, “He came back when I was confused about us. You lost your job, found a new one but you still didn’t make anything specific. I was scared it wouldn’t work between us, that was why I opened my doors to him.”
“Even after marriage?” I asked.
“That was the doing of the devil. I don’t know what happened,” she answered amidst tears and swore before heaven and earth that it would never happen again. “I’ve settled. You’re my all. If this happens again, God should strike me dead on the spot. Please forgive me.”
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We’ve been separated for over four months now. Nobody knows about this story until today that I’m sharing it here. I’m trying to forgive but it’s hard. It’s been four months and the wounds are still raw and fresh. They are not scabbing enough for me to have hope for healing. I decided to share it here. Maybe that will help the healing process.
We talk. We try to be intentional about forgiveness. I’ve laughed with her once. It was me allowing light into my darkest moment but we are not rushing into anything. She understands it can end this way and I understand too. Only God can wound these pains. Sorry. Only God can heal these wounds.
Massa, she will cheat again. Once she cheats. She will keep doing it at the least chance
Ex’s are permanent lifetime shareholders, and feel entitled to take whatever they want too. And as you said, she left him for you, meaning he is hurt for you snatching his “wife” and will be on a vendatta of revenge. The only one who could have stopped him, by having very firm boundaries, is your wife. Unfortunately, she has let him in. So ask your self 2 critical questions:
(1) Am I willing to share my wife with her ex?
(2) With all that has happened, can I stop my wife from sleeping with her ex?
If your answer to both questions is “No” then don’t fool yourself and waste your time on this marriage. Walk!
If however, you answer “Yes” to any of the questions, then that’s your path to the salvation and recovery of your marriage. All the best.
Hmmmmmm, interesting how difficult it is to forgive a cheating wife but women are often able to forgive a cheating husband!!!
We read, we don’t judge.
NEVER FORGIVE A CHEATING WIFE. PERIOD! Don’t say I did not warn you oo!
This is painful. Nobody can advise you on what to do. It’s a decision that you’ll come to yourself. After you’ve healed. If it was a driver or househelp she did it with, it would be have been different, but chasing after an ex? Mm, mmm, ehard.