The first time he wanted to make love to me I told him, “I think we should take some time to get to know each other better before we do that.” Initially, he agreed but after a while, he asked me, “Why should I have to wait when I am crazy about you? No man will allow that.” I knew he was just saying anything to get the cookie. There are men out there who don’t pester their women for anything physical until she is ready. 

I remember telling him, “Speak for yourself. Don’t talk for all men because there are men who abstain from sex until marriage.” It didn’t change anything for him. He kept pushing for us to get intimate. I told myself that maybe he just wanted to know how I behaved sexually. Or how my body looked like. 

Whatever he wanted, he was persistent enough to get it. I gave in to his demands and we made love.

Now, here’s the real issue. We’re in a long-distance relationship. I visit him when I have time off work. I don’t get a lot of these off days, but when I do, he is the only one I want to spend the time with. 

Recently, I told him about my next visit. We were all excitedly making plans about how we would fill the time until he asked me, “Will you be on your period when you come?” I said yes. His mood changed all of a sudden. He didn’t even try to hide it.

The first time I visited him I was menstruating, but he didn’t know. I take personal hygiene very seriously, so unless I told him, he wouldn’t have noticed. I spent a few days with him before he found out. Even with that, it was because my underwear got stained so I had to wash it. He didn’t express any displeasure when I told him. This gave me the impression that it didn’t bother him.  

So when his mood changed because I would be in my period on my next visit I asked him, “Does it bother you that I will visit you while I am flowing?” He answered, “A lady shouldn’t visit her boyfriend when she is in her menses.”

I asked, “Why not? What’s wrong with it?”

All he said was, “It’s not good.”

I pushed further and asked, “What if, for two or three months in a row, my off days always fall during my period? Does that mean I shouldn’t visit you at all?”

He said, “Yes.

I was stunned. I know there are men who get uncomfortable around anything that has to do with a woman’s monthly flow. I just didn’t think my boyfriend was one of them. To be sure that I understood him I asked, “What if we were married? Would you tell me to stay away from you or leave the room just because I’m menstruating?” 

I imagine he must have shaken his head before saying vehemently, “NO. No, you are misunderstanding me. I don’t have anything against how your body functions naturally.” Then he added, “What if you come to me two or three times in a row, and you’re on your period each time? What am I supposed to do if I am craving you?”

I told him there are other ways we can spend quality time together. We can watch movies, listen to music, play games, or cuddle. Couples don’t have to make love every time they see each other. He didn’t seem happy to hear this.

I then asked if it would affect our relationship if we didn’t get intimate for two or three months. This guy said he didn’t know. I was surprised to hear this. This is someone I love so much that all I have to do is see him to be happy. Yes, physical touch is nice but in the event that your partner cannot satisfy your intimate needs, should that put the relationship on hold? I thought I meant more to him than sex but his behaviour is telling me something different.

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I remember asking him directly, “Are you saying our relationship is based on what my body means to you?”

He said, “That’s not what I mean.”

“So what do you mean?”

“I’m just telling you the truth. It would be hard to be around you and not touch you. The thought of it is even torture,” he replied.

I needed clear answers so I pressed further; “Would it jeopardize our relationship if I visited you during my period for a few months?”

His response was the most confusing part. He said, “I can’t tell.” Instead of explaining himself, he told me to ask my friends if it’s a good thing for a woman to visit her boyfriend while she is in her period. I don’t think this is a big deal. People even date for years but they do it for the first time on their wedding night. So why should a month or two without intimacy bring a relationship to its knees?

This is why I am here. Is it wrong for a woman to visit her boyfriend when it’s that time of the month? Is his point valid? Besides, should I consider his attitude toward our bedroom affairs a red flag? I am getting the impression that getting the cookie means more to him than actually spending time with me. Or I am wrong?

— Valentina

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