She’s a hookup girl I patronized when loneliness wanted to kill me. There were four girls there that night, but immediately I saw her the connection was instant. I asked how much for a short time and she mentioned it, but I ended up engaging her all night. I got her number and started calling her whenever loneliness wanted to finish me.

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One day she told me, “It’s different with you.” I responded, “Yeah, it feels the same way with me. There’s a connection when it comes to you.”

I patronized her until she stopped charging me. She would come when I hadn’t called her. She would spend the night and loneliness would be far from me. One day she asked if she could cook something for us to eat. Another day she stayed to make the house a home. She told me, “If you could support me, I would stop going out and be a better person.”

She wants to sell. She has saved something and needs a push. She also wants to learn event organizing. She said she was once with an ushering agency, so she knows a little about that. I don’t have so much, but my spirit tells me I should dig deep and help.

Yesterday, I asked her to make enquiries. I promised her that I don’t have it all, but I would do my best. She understands me and has also promised to work hard. Now my problem is trust and the many ‘what ifs’ that come to a man whenever he wants to commit to something: “What if she goes back to business and wastes my money?” “What if after everything she finds another man?” “What if one day when all is well, we meet a former customer of hers?” What if…

Feelings are pushing me in this direction, I know, but I’m asking, what are the pros and cons of keeping a woman to yourself when she once belonged to the world? Do they stay? Do they keep their words? Would these feelings one day disappear and make me feel like I’ve wasted my time and money? A fish and a bird in love—will it ever work?

—Babylon

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