It was when I got to high school that these desires became strong. It has always been a part of me but it was not that strong. But in boarding school, I was surrounded by a lot of temptations. Boys were naked around me all the time. In the dormitory and in the bathroom. It was an all-boys school so no one felt the need for modesty.
What my colleagues didn’t know was that, although we were all boys. Some of us find the male naked body attractive. This is why I was constantly frustrated in school. It’s one thing to secretly desire something forbidden. And it’s another thing to be constantly surrounded by the forbidden objects of my desire. It felt like hell.
To avoid trouble, I started bathing alone. I went out of my way to avoid being around my colleagues when they were not wearing clothes. I waited for everyone to fall asleep before I took my bath. Then I would wake up at 2:30 am to bathe before everyone woke up. This helped me curb my urges. But my solution was just a temporary fix.
I was relieved for a while until this desire for sexual pleasure came lingering again. I was easily attracted to muscular guys, and guys who had a raise in their trousers. I couldn’t talk to anybody about any of it. I prayed constantly for God to take away my feelings but they remained.
I was so disturbed by what was happening that I couldn’t study. My academic performance started dwindling. My teachers who knew how brilliant I was became concerned. Every time they saw me they would complain, “Eric, these days your performance is going down.” “These days you are slacking,” another would say.
I didn’t like that I was disappointing my teachers so I sat up. It took a lot of mental strength to get back on track with my academic work but I did it. If only switching feelings was just as easy as sitting up to study for school, my life would have been easier.
I come from a Christian home. My parents instilled in us the values and morals taught in the Bible. So why didn’t these teachings shield me from such desires? I have always been surrounded by strong Christians, right from childhood till even now. All the people in my circle are prayerful and firmly rooted in the word of God. So it isn’t as if I am being influenced by bad company.
True, the Bible says we should share our weaknesses with the elders so we can pray together. But tell me, is this something I can talk to my devout Christian brothers about without being judged? They may even think that I would hit on them. That’s why I kept my struggles to myself.
Back in school, a colleague began to make advances at me. I don’t know how he knew that I would like it. I tried but I couldn’t resist him. I fell in love with him. I was so madly in love with this guy to the extent that I couldn’t concentrate in class. Sexual activities began, but he never went all the way with me. I was scared and so was he. We were so careful that we didn’t raise suspicions among teachers or students.
After him, there was another boy. This new guy couldn’t get much of me till we completed school in 2018. After school, I got involved in playing with myself and watching pornographic videos which involved men. I still do it to date.
I am not sharing this story just for the fun of it. I have tried to find a solution to my plight ever since I became aware that these feelings are real. However, I have been out of school for six years now but my problem is still the same.
What Would You Do For A Friend Who Has 24 Hours To Live?
To make things worse, I finally got intimate with a guy. By this I mean, we did everything. This is my biggest regret ever; the pain, the guilt, and the shame are unbearable.
I have vowed not to sleep with any man again in my life but I still have this urge and obsession to do it. Please I need your help at this point. For fasting and prayers, I have involved myself so much but to no avail. I decided to share my story when I read Matthews’s story. Silent Beads Family, please advise, help, counsel, and direct me because this is eating me up.
–Eric
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You need professional help. See a psychologist in any of the mental hospitals. They are professional and discrete. Don’t feel stigmatized it doesn’t mean you are crazy. All the best
Hello Eric, this is a much struggle you can’t deal with it alone.
What I will say is be humble and patient enough in this circumstance. Genuinely speak to God about your struggles and asked him to send you someone to help.
I will also recommend this website to you.
Pastor John Piper has shared a lot of helpful materials on these situations.
Desiringgod.org.
My prayers are with you.
Jesus told His disciples that this kind can only come out through fasting and prayer. Sometimes you need someone who has Spiritual authority to drive it out. A true servant of the Living God. I am not Ghanaian so I do not Know any Ghanaian pastor I could recommend look for one if you cannot you can cross into Nigeria Apostle Selman Apostle Arome Osayi or Pastor Jerry Eze will pray for you. Remember the altar of the Lord is not approached empty handed. You are in my prayers. I hope you will overcome
I get sad when people make it seem as if prayer is powerless to help in such situations
People will be having dangerous situations such as what our brother is facing and pray for just 5 minutes and claim that prayer didn’t work, as if prayer is magic
How could someone have such a serious issue as this for over six years and expect that just a one hour prayer will magically solve a situation of six years!
Sometimes people think that those of us who pray for ten and twelve hours are time wasters who have no job to do, but it is when challenges like this strike that they begin to look for prayer to help
Prayer is the most powerful daily lifestyle in this evil and perverted world we live in where the devil is busily destroying lives with forbidden affections like what our dear brother is experiencing!
This is a spiritual matter, and it is good that you are requesting for help on Silent Beads, but your best option left is to do what you already know that you are too shy to do; that is to tell both your father and the trusted prayerful friends you have and let them bear you up in prayer,
because there’s no mortal man on earth who can deliver another man from an attack from the devil except God himself through the instrumentality of prayer!
Your life is more precious than the shame you have about telling the spiritual and prayerful people around you….please think about it
Deliverance is the key here. The feelings towards the same sex is fueled by a demon responsible for that affliction. Prayer alone or fasting by yourself cannot solve the problem. Look for Apostle Victor Hounkpati of Hand of God Ministry Dzodze and this problem would be over. I’m telling you a fact!