I am a responsible father of three children. The woman I am currently with is my second wife. She had a daughter before she came into the marriage, and I also brought a son from my previous marriage. It’s been two years since we got married and God has blessed us with a daughter who just turned one. All three children are thriving in the happy home we’ve created for them.

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In many ways, we are living fine. We don’t have serious fights, we communicate fairly well, and we try our best to support each other as partners and as parents. When it comes to intimacy, I have always taken pride in the fact that I satisfy her. I prioritise her pleasure. I make sure she feels loved, desired, and appreciated.

Recently though, there is one problem that has become so heavy on my heart that I don’t even know how to talk about it without feeling uncomfortable. The issue is that I am always the one initiating intimacy—every single time.

At first, I made excuses for her.

“Maybe she is shy.”

“Maybe she is tired.”

“Maybe she is adjusting to motherhood again, because breastfeeding and taking care of a baby is not easy.”

I expected things to improve when circumstances change but as time goes on, the situation is getting worse.

Anytime I try to talk about it, the conversation ends with me feeling more confused. She often tells me she is tired. She complains that motherhood drains her. “My body is exhausted. I need rest.”

I understand her struggles but what about our marriage? These days she has lost interest in our bedroom affairs completely.

One thing that adds to this is my work schedule. I am usually home during the day, but at night I am always at work. So the little time we have together are supposed to be the few hours when I am off work and she is free. These are the only opportunities we have to connect intimately as a couple. But that is exactly when she says she is tired, or stressed, or not in the mood. I feel frustrated.

There are moments when I feel like she is intentionally pushing me away without saying it directly. Even when we finally get intimate, it always feels like I am the one who forced myself to initiate everything. I don’t want a situation where I feel like I am pressuring her or making her do something she does not want to do. Forcing a woman into sex is something I hate with my whole heart. It goes against everything I believe in. Nonetheless, the way things are now, it is becoming harder and harder to ignore the feeling that I am unwanted.

This situation is slowly affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sometimes I lie awake thinking, Why is it always me trying? Why can’t she show desire on her own? Why can’t she reach for me, touch me, or make me feel wanted too? I don’t think a man should always be the one starting everything in the bedroom.

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I know myself, and I don’t want to get to a place where I start losing interest in my wife. But that is exactly what is happening. The more she pulls away, the more I find myself thinking thoughts I don’t want to think. Thoughts like, Maybe I should look for intimacy outside. Maybe someone else will appreciate me. And as much as those thoughts scare me, I can’t deny that they are coming.

I don’t want to cheat. I never wanted that for myself, my family, or my marriage. Cheating destroys trust, breaks homes, and complicates lives. But when a man feels unwanted for too long, the temptation becomes real.

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That is why I am here asking for advice. I want to understand what is happening. Is it breastfeeding? Is it stress? Is it depression? Is it something I am doing wrong? Is she losing interest in me? Or is this just a phase in marriage that many couples go through?

I want my wife. I desire her. I want intimacy that is mutual, not one-sided. I want her to touch me, kiss me, hold me, not just wait for me to initiate everything. I want to feel like her husband, not a stranger begging for attention.

But I also don’t want to force her, pressure her, or make her uncomfortable. I need to know how to approach this situation in a way that is healthy and respectful.

—Simpson 

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