When he approached me, nothing showed that I was older than him. He was well-dressed and talked like a man who owned a piece of the world. He took my number first, then sent a gift, and later asked if I had a few minutes to spare on a weekend. That was how our first date happened. I used the opportunity to learn about his work, where he stayed, his perception of family, and everything else that was important for me to know.

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He was eloquent in answering all my questions. Once he was done answering, he would throw the same question back at me and listen keenly to my answers. I called him a good listener and also a good conversationalist. He was always in my inbox talking to me until one day he finally proposed.

I agreed to date him because I had used over two months to listen to him, watch his moves, and observe everything. He passed my test and ticked all my boxes. When the relationship started, he was driving a company car. I also have a small car I use to move around but because Accra is hard, sometimes I park the car and join commercial buses to save money.

He told me he didn’t like that idea, so he would share the fuel allowance given to him by his company with me, which I laughed off. I even told him he shouldn’t start what he couldn’t finish and he told me it was something small he could do for love. For several months, he never failed. He sent me the amount. It was very little but it said a lot about his intentions.

This made me fall wholeheartedly for him because a man who would share the little with you would one day share the bigger chunk with you too. I welcomed him into my space and sometimes he spent the night. On weekends we were together. He would come with his church clothes and on Sundays we would go to church together.

My church members came to know him because it’s a small church. If I didn’t go with him one day, they would ask about him as if he had founded the church. And I could understand it because that guy takes up the space he finds himself in. He would answer questions, lead discussions, and make himself known.

We dated for almost a year before I got to know his age. It was a few weeks to his birthday when he announced it to me. He said, “Eii, slowly I’m hitting the dreaded thirty ooo. I have to put my life in place before thirty comes to meet me unprepared.”

I was like, “What? What did you just say?” He answered, “I will be thirty in a few weeks but look at me. I even said I was going to marry before I turned thirty but here I am, now in a serious relationship.”

I looked at him calmly, shocked and confused at the same time. “You mean I have been dating a man I am five years older than?” I whispered to myself. “Why didn’t I know until now?” I did the math properly and I was five years, eight months, two weeks, and three days older than him. I concluded I was six years older than him. I shook my head in disbelief. To me, our relationship had come to an end. It would either come from me or from him.

I asked him, “Do you even know my age?” He laughed before answering as if he was too sure about what he was saying. “I don’t know but you won’t cross twenty-five.” “That makes it worse,” I said in my head.

Yes, I have a very young face and a body that refuses to grow according to my real age but I didn’t think he saw me as a child born not too long ago. I said, “I’m not twenty-five. I crossed that age long ago so come again.”

He argued with me and called me a liar. He was so sure I wouldn’t cross the twenty-five line and even if I did, I wouldn’t go beyond twenty-seven. I told him, “I’m thirty-four and I’m sorry you allowed my body to lie to you.” He burst out laughing, calling me a liar.

I threw my Ghana card at him and added my driver’s license to it. “What do you see? Now tell me, am I too old for you?”

He stared at the cards attentively for several seconds, turning them back and forth as though he was checking to see if they were fake. He said, “Wow.” I responded, “Yeah, we messed up.”

I asked him what we were going to do and he replied, “What are we supposed to do? Isn’t age just a number like they always say? If you don’t tell anyone your age, who will know and judge us? I’m fine if you’re fine.”

I wasn’t convinced. He sounded too hollow with his answers. Something was missing but I didn’t know what that was. I also checked within myself and asked if I was ready to date a guy I was older than. My answer was largely dependent on how the guy would see it and treat me going forward. I decided I would give us a chance and see where this would go.

He started referring to my age in every conversation, sometimes very subtly. “At your time, how were you doing it?” he would ask me. “What do you mean by ‘at my time’? Do we have two different times?” He would laugh and clarify, “I mean when you were young.”

All of a sudden he saw me as old as the Ancient of Days. He started adding “please” whenever he spoke to me. “Alice, please, can I have the soup in the fridge?” Previously, he would just go for it. I liked the respect he showed but it didn’t sit well with me because I had known him for that long.

Out of nowhere, he started acting like a child around me. He would ask permission for everything and expect me to pay for everything. He stopped contributing to cooking like he used to. Previously, he would come with the ingredients but this time, he came empty-handed.

“What’s happening? You said I shouldn’t talk about my age but the way you’ve started acting around me, everyone will know my age without me telling them. Why are you making me feel so old?” He answered, “Aren’t you? I was raised to respect age, so queen, allow me to respect you.”

He had become the woman in the relationship, asking for permission for everything. So I asked him if his family would accept our age difference. He said he didn’t know but later he said, “They might think you’ll control me.”

I told him point-blank that we should let the relationship go because it had no future. “I’m sorry to waste our time but we shouldn’t keep wasting it this way. Find someone and let me also find what works for me.”

Men Don’t Like It When Women Do The Paying

We had this conversation two months ago and he still comes around. He says we should try and see how things go instead of giving up based on suspicion. Aside from all that, this guy won’t act like a man around me. He expects to be babied by me when all I want is a man who can act like he owns me.

We haven’t had troubles. It’s been largely sweet. The best relationship I’ve ever had since I started dating. No drama until the age difference showed up. I wish things had happened differently but looking at how things are going, do you think there should be a way to salvage this relationship? I wish it would work.

—Alice 

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