Lately, I have been feeling unlike myself. I feel exhausted in every aspect of my life. I am talking about physically, emotionally, and mentally. Waking up in the morning fills me with dread. I would make a mental image of everything I had to do in the course of the day and feel already tired. Getting out of bed feels like an unpleasant chore. But when I think about my daughter and how she needs me, I get moving.

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I want to ask other mums here if this feeling of fatigue is normal in the parenting stage. Or if it’s this way because my situation is peculiar.

A few years ago when I was praying to God about Cecil. He was a charismatic young man I was in love with. I wanted him to be mine. I asked God to make our paths align so we would end up as husband and wife.

Then he started seeing me. He gave me the kind of attention that implied he liked me too. He spent hours chatting with me. “I want to know what’s going on in your life,” he would say, “don’t hold back. Tell me everything.”

Because of our friendship, our closeness, I had high hopes that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. That’s why I didn’t resist him that night. When he kissed me, I melted into his arms and kissed me back. When he touched me in places friends don’t touch each other, I didn’t swat his hand away.

I gave in. I surrendered to his pleasure, all of me. Everything he wanted, I gave. Whatever position he bent me in, I complied. He didn’t officially ask me to be his woman, but that night, I was his in every way he wanted.

The next morning clarity came, especially when he treated me as if I meant nothing to him. I thought he must be confused. I wanted to give him a little space to process the line we crossed. But he didn’t need a little space. He wanted me gone from his life.

That was when I asked questions about him. I found out that he is a philanderer. He sleeps with whoever he wants, without any fear of consequences. It turns out that Cecil’s indiscretions have left a number of baby mamas in his wake.

I became worried when I heard this. Unfortunately, it was too late to run to the pharmacy to get an emergency contraceptive. I just had to pray and hope that our one night of wild passion doesn’t yield fruit.

A few weeks after that night, I was holding the home pregnancy test kit in my hand as my anxiety shot through the roof. Two red stripes. God, what was I supposed to do?

Even though Cecil ghosted me after the night I gave everything to him, I sent him a text message to break the news of the pregnancy.

He responded in all caps, “I DON’T WANT BABIES.”

“This is a life we are bringing into the world. It does not matter what you want,” I tried to explain.

This guy went ahead and blocked me everywhere. I didn’t have the strength to force him to stay in my life so I let him go. I chose to focus on my pregnancy and take care of myself as best as I could.

Almost eight months later, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I purposed in my heart that I would be strong for the journey ahead. I knew being a single mother wouldn’t be a walk in the park.

It’s been three years now since I gave birth and I’ve tried to be strong. Even on days I feel I can’t, I do my best to keep going. It’s just that sometimes I feel incredibly weak.

Most importantly, I struggle with guilt. One moment I think I’ve made peace with Cecil’s abandonment, only to be stuck in a dark place the next moment.

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What hurts the most is the feeling that I’ve been unfair to my child. I am not happy that I chose the worst possible father for her. And now I feel like I’m failing as a mother because I’m just so drained.

Emotionally, I feel like I’m drowning. It’s like no one truly sees what I’m going through. I’m anxious all the time and honestly scared that I might be slipping into depression.

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I’ve cut off people who are close to me. I barely want to talk to anyone. The truth is, I already made a mistake. But how do I move on from it? How do I overcome this overwhelming guilt, loneliness, and exhaustion? I feel worn out. God, I’m so tired.

I can’t even pray anymore. The fact that I prayed about Cecil and he turned out to be a disappointment gives me the impression that I prayed in vain, and that there’s no point in praying now. Truly, I need help! How do I overcome this?

—Giselle

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