We only officially started dating about a month ago, but we have known each other for the past three years. He is in Lagos, and I am here in Ghana. We plan to meet in person before the end of the year, introduce each other to our worlds, and eventually meet each other’s families.

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One evening, when were on a phone call discussing the arrangements, I jokingly asked if he would be coming to see my family officially and ask for my hand in marriage, too. He replied, “Not necessarily, but if that is what you want, then yes, I can come and see them to inform them.”

His answer did not feel clear to me. If we were going to take that kind of step, I would want him to be clear and intentional about what he was coming to do rather than leaving things vague.

At some point during the conversation, he even asked me to marry him. I could not even answer the question.

It is not that I do not care about him, but we have only just started dating. I do not understand how he can ask me such a serious question when we have not even met in person.

There are certain decisions I cannot make until we have actually met. I want the opportunity to experience our relationship away from the screen, to see how we communicate, how we handle each other, how we relate physically and emotionally, and whether what works so well online translates into real life.

He, however, is very intentional about the relationship. From his perspective, this is not casual dating. He sees it as something that is ultimately meant to lead to marriage, and he is very much all-in.

He is also more expressive with his emotions than I am. He has no difficulty saying how he feels or telling me, “I love you.” I am not like that, and the fact that I am not as quick to say those words has started to feel like an issue.

He seems to feel that I should already be all-in because of everything we have shared and because the intention of the relationship is marriage. I feel I should be allowed to move at a pace that is honest for me, especially because we have only been romantically involved for a month and have not even met in person yet.

I do not know how to navigate this, and it is creating some tension between us when it comes to these things.

I do not want to rush into saying or promising things I have not fully processed, only to realise later that I moved faster than my actual convictions.

At the same time, I know relationships cannot be approached like a research project where you need to have every answer before you begin. At some point, you have to take a step of faith and allow yourself to love someone.

So I am stuck somewhere between those two things.

How do you know when you are being wisely cautious and when you are simply afraid to surrender to the relationship?

Is it possible for two people to be equally serious about a relationship while being at completely different places emotionally?

Is it reasonable to want to meet someone in person before making certain commitments, even when you already know their intentions and genuinely care about them?

And can you be all-in about wanting a future with someone without being ready to say “I love you” or answer a question about becoming their wife?

I do not want to be told to leave him. I also do not want to be told to marry him tomorrow.

What Caused The Breakup Between You And Your Ex?

For those who have been married or are in serious relationships, did you and your partner arrive at “I love you,” emotional certainty, and readiness for commitment at the same time? Or did one person get there first?

And if one person was more emotionally expressive or ready to move towards marriage faster, how did you navigate that without making the other person feel inadequate or making yourself feel pressured?

—Philomina

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