In September of this year, I got married. Early this year, I was proposed to, my mother was the first person I told. There was no father to tell because my father is late. I am the fourth born of five siblings, two females and three males.
After informing my mother on the phone, I expected her to scream, shout “thank God,” and give me a little bit of the melodrama that comes when your daughter is getting married. But I got none of that. Instead, the worst thing came out of her mouth. You know, where we are from, there is a pattern where the women do not get married. They have children with more than one father, so for her two daughters to get married, it should be seen as God’s grace. But no. She started ranting.
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She said she has only two female children, and my elder sister has already disappointed her. “You are my last hope, so if you know your husband-to-be is not wealthy, then forget it. I will not accept.”
I was worried, crying quietly as she spewed those words and went on and on about how bad luck my brother-in-law is. This is how their story goes. In the beginning, things were running smoothly for him and my mother always had requests, which he willingly fulfilled, providing rice, oil, and even airtime or money.
Worst of all, my mother would go and visit these so-called pastors and prophets, and my sister would pay for “akwankyerɛsika.” That money came from her husband because he was both her husband and her boss. Aside from that, my sister sent her money for upkeep monthly without fail.
I remember my brother-in-law paid two years’ advance rent for a two-bedroom chamber and hall self-contained apartment. He had my sister move out after barely two months of staying because he saw a scratch from an insect bite. He was that good to my sister and to us.
All of a sudden, my mother has forgotten the good man that he is. It is truly amazing and shocking too. All of a sudden he is this; he is that. In her words, my sister’s husband does not like smiling. “Nanim ɛyɛ duru nti wɔntumi mpo nnyɛ no.” And he would not call her to greet her frequently or send her money monthly, as if he does not send his own parents money. I remember last Christmas; he only sent 300 Ghana cedis without the deposit fee, so the mobile money agent transferred only 297 cedis to her. A whole lot of disgusting words came from her, hmm.
I went to Kumasi, and we were talking. Then my brother started. “Your mother and I have sat down and talked a lot about this, and it is very important. We want you to marry a borga.” Because I am their last hope. They did not say where the last hope was, though; whether it was heaven or the White House, I cannot speak on their behalf. According to him, when he calls my sister’s husband for assistance, he does not help, so they hope to get something better from me.
They even went ahead to give me scenarios, pointing me to a lady church friend who got married to a Canadian “borga.” She had her mother flown to Canada when she gave birth, and now her mum is a citizen of Canada.
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So I asked both my brother and mother to mention one “borga” from among their own friends. They were so angry with me. He said the way I was reacting, it was likely I would give every penny to my in-laws and ignore them. I also replied. I told him to work as a man and also become a “borga” and stop depending on other men like he is a lady. It was a back and forth, and I had a response for every one of their questions. Then he also told me he is better than my husband-to-be and even richer than him.
I also told them that both my in-laws are alive, so they should not expect my man to look after my family and ignore his own just because he married me. Just as they feel they need to benefit, my in-laws equally need to benefit from their son. I turned to my mother and told her, ‘If I am to choose between my mum and my mother-in-law, I am definitely choosing my mum without thinking twice, so she should expect the same from my man.’
After the exchange of words, my mother approached me later. She said she was very disappointed at the words I threw at her, but then she realised my brother might have made me angry, so she cooled down. I did not mind her.
A few weeks after, this woman, who did not care about the man I was going to marry, was all up and happy about it. Apparently she had done a background investigation and knew my man was well-to-do. We are from the same town; it’s just that I did not grow up there. So I could go ahead with the marriage. In my head, I thought, this marriage is happening not because my husband is not a cheat, scammer, or woman beater, but because of property. Nonetheless, I did not say anything, and she hung up.
We did our traditional marriage on September 27. There was no white wedding. When I demanded the money my grandma had given her to be given to me, plus what was left from the food preparation, she flared up.
During the course of preparation for the wedding, she drained me of every penny to sew and buy beaded lace for Thanksgiving and kente for the traditional marriage. She wanted it fully beaded. She did not contribute even one cedi. Meanwhile, she gave the role of bride’s mother to her sister, so it was a double of everything. I received a call from my sister, and she asked me to forget about taking the money and enjoy my marriage, which I understood.
My mother is fond of gifting clothes to close people during their marriage ceremony. When my sister got married, my mother gifted her maybe six or four. A lady my brother impregnated, the wife of her elder sister’s son, but me? Nothing. Shishi.
The last time we spoke was November 12. She requested money to buy a fufu pounding machine, 2,500 cedis. My sister had sent 500, and she had managed to get 1,000, so I should bring my contribution. My mother knows I am not working, so I told her. In her response to me, she said, “I do not care; as long as you are married, you can provide.” I also told her to call her sons.
My father left us three houses in different places. Sometime ago, I was talking to one of the caretakers, and she mentioned that she had sent my mother 2,000 cedis from the rent with the agenda of buying a fufu machine.
So I already knew she had the money. I did not bother asking my husband for support, knowing very well December is around the corner and she would not even remember she had received some funds earlier. Moreover, we did not do any fundraising during the ceremony, and without any support from my side, I felt it was too early to start asking for money for my family, especially now that I am not working.
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My mother is saying that she was right when my brother said I would ignore them after my marriage because I do not call her to check up on her or my other relatives. But note, I am the introvert type. I can even panic when my phone rings, wondering why the caller is calling. She is not someone I even call. She did the calling mostly.
So my issue is: how do I go about getting money from my husband? Is it too early to demand? And with my mother’s attitude, how do I handle her?
—Tabi
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Dear Tabi,
Your narration or story is sad, but quite frankly becoming too familiar to hear/read. People have to start learning to draw the line.
What saddens me most, is that after sharing with us your story, one would have imagined that you’d ask how to deal with the root cause of the matter; your family’s (particularly your mother and your brother)’s sense of IRRESPONSIBLE ENTITLEMENT.
But you appear to be focused on the wrong things, Tabi.
A generous person will give what they can to the benefit of those they hold dear or feel need it. Your husband (if he is a kind person) is likely to want to do it by himself without being prompted. But for you to start planning in advance how to start ‘coercing’ (for want of better words) him for items or money for your family, is a bad precedence, please.
I will advise you to rather concentrate on enjoying life with your husband and finding good source of income (well-paid jobs) instead of ‘what can your husband do for your family’.
Should you begin thinking in this line, you might not be too far from either becoming like the mother that you so dread, or doing it out of despair and end up resenting your family in the process. Let’s not forget how that might affect your life as a wife and that of your husband of barely 2 or 3 months.
So please start job hunting instead. On the part of your family, it’s long overdue to have a sit-down or intervention from a responsible and grounded family member so as to address the root cause without causing friction in the family.
May you be the beginning of a better cycle of responsibility and wisdom in your family. Have a fulfilling married life, my dear.
Instead of being firm and putting your mother in her place you are asking how to coerce your husband into giving her money. Wow don’t worry you will join her sooner or later. What stupid sense of entitlement is that. Who told you your mother and even siblings are entitled to your husband’s money? Even you are not entitled to your husband’s money. Don’t they have hands to work. Stop being stupid and concentrate on building your home while’s setting boundaries for your self entitled mother.