I am older than my husband, and that was one of the reasons his mother did not like me when he introduced me to her as the woman he wanted to marry. The fact that I already had a child made things even worse. At our wedding, she carried a heavy face throughout the ceremony, and it was obvious she was unhappy about the marriage.

After we got married, we moved into a building my father-in-law had put up for his children. He encouraged us to move there so we could avoid unnecessary rent expenses in Accra and settle down properly as a family. It was a chamber and hall with a piece of land attached to our portion.

Since we were planning to grow our family, I knew the space would not be enough for us in the long run. One day, I suggested to my husband that we build an extension onto the house. He immediately loved the idea, but he told me he did not have the money to do it. “If you can help me with the money now, I will pay you back when my insurance matures in two years,” he promised.

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I had some savings, but it was not enough. I went to the bank, took out a loan, and gave him the money. He used it to build two bedrooms, a kitchen, a storeroom, and two bathrooms.

All this was happening while there were already serious issues brewing beneath the surface. Just three months after we got married, my father-in-law passed away. His death hit me hard because he was one of the few people in the family who accepted me wholeheartedly. While his wife barely tolerated me, he welcomed me with open arms and treated me like family from day one.

My husband took his father’s death very hard too, but instead of bringing us closer, it pushed him further away from me. He started spending most of his time at his mother’s house. During the week, he was almost always there, and many nights he would not come home at all. I complained endlessly because I was heavily pregnant and needed my husband around.

Trying to solve the problem, we bought him a motorcycle so he could get home more easily after work. The motorcycle cost 1,500 cedis. He only had 1,000 cedis, so I added the remaining 500 cedis myself.

For a while, it seemed to help. Then the building was finished, and we were having it good. But my husband turned into a different person almost overnight. He became aggressive, and even the smallest disagreement could end with him hitting me. I had just delivered my baby, and my mom came to help me with the baby.

Whenever he got angry, he would lash out physically.

If I wasn’t dealing with problems from my husband, I was dealing with his mother. It didn’t take long for me to hear that she was unhappy about the extension we had added to the house. From what I was told, she had made up her mind that there was no way her son was ever going to reimburse me for the money I had spent. At that point, I didn’t even bother arguing about it. I had bigger battles to fight.

The problem we had with him not coming home did not vanish. It was there. One of the reasons we bought the motorcycle was so he could get home earlier. Instead, he started making excuses. According to him, the motorcycle did not run on water, so if I wanted him home, I should be the one buying fuel for him.

Two years later, we were still dealing with the same issue, him not returning home. I was pregnant again at the time.

I would call him, and his mother would often answer his phone and tell me he was sleeping or too tired to talk.

“Call in the morning.” Sometimes it was, “What kind of wife calls her husband at this time of the day?”

He was always there. I did not know what he was looking for. It was only when his mother was coming to our place that he would follow her in tow. Immediately after work, you would hear the revving of his motorcycle at about seven o’clock as he rode into the compound. The moment she left, he would go right back to spending most of his time with her.

When she was around, she hated seeing my son anywhere near her. To her, it was an abomination. She did not like breathing the same air he breathed. She was always rubbing it in my eyes to return the boy to his owner. According to her, Ga people do not accept a child from a previous relationship. My husband agreed with her at one point. Meanwhile, that was not the agreement when we were getting married.

My son was supposed to be my right-hand side, but when the pressure became unbearable, I did what I never thought I would do. I hurried my son into a car and took him to his father. I thought it would help bring my husband home. It did not. I thought maybe it needed time, so I waited. But I brought him back. I started receiving calls and complaints from people back home. They told me my son’s father was mistreating him and turning him into a punching bag. As much as I wanted to save my marriage, my son too was important. One night, I held my husband’s legs and begged him to allow me to bring my son back home.

The next morning, his mother called me. “If anything happens to that child when you bring him back, do not blame anyone,” she warned.

I ignored her warning and brought my son home in September 2020. Two months later, in November 2020, my son died. My mother-in-law then began coming to our house without informing me. Whenever I complained to my husband, he accused me of hating her. I did not have an ounce of hatred for her. All I was looking for was just small boundaries and respect in my home.

This February, I packed my bags. I finally left the house with my three children. Now my husband and his mother are going around claiming they do not know why I left.

My husband got the church elders involved. When they asked what was fueling the tension at home, my mother-in-law said I started it and she continued it. She told them that whenever she visited our home, my attitude toward her was bad. She also said that although the place belonged to her husband, I behaved as though it belonged to me.

Because of this, the elders are telling me that I should apologize to her, saying she has every right to come to the house since the land originally belonged to her husband. The problem is not that she comes to the house. The problem is that she crosses boundaries that make me very uncomfortable.

She would walk into the bathroom while my husband was bathing, and she would come into our room and change our bedsheets without asking. I simply could not take it anymore. She also told the elders that I once accused her of marrying her son in the spiritual realm. For that comment, she says I should apologize as well. “Because she left the house without her husband sending her away, I will not allow her to come to the house again as a wife,” she also said.

I am willing to apologise for anything I may have said out of frustration, but I am not willing to return to that house.

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My mother, who has been a witness to most of these atrocities, says that if I refuse to go back, then I am allowing my mother-in-law to win.

My family seems more concerned about the building than about what I have been through, and they are using my children as an excuse to pressure me into returning. Please, I need advice. They want to take my children away from me, and I genuinely want a divorce. Unfortunately, neither the church elders nor my mother support that decision, and I feel completely alone.

—Asita

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