I love reading. I will read anything that piques my interest or feeds my curiosity just to gather information about it. Sometimes, the materials I read help me to discover things about myself that I did not know existed. Other times too, I live vicariously through the characters in the books. If there is something I want to do that I am too afraid to do, I get satisfaction from reading about characters who do those things. For example, my interest in the subject of sex, and sexuality led me to read books about different types of sexual acts. You would be surprised at the wide range of practices couples indulge in. I discovered that the usual act of intimacy between two couples is called vanilla sex. Every other type has a name. There are kinks, fetishes, and BDSM.

All along I knew my preferences in the bedroom were different. I just did not know there was a name for it until I read a few books and identified myself in them. Now, I want to put it out here in hopes that someone also has the same preferences and would share their experiences with me. So here is the thing, one of my love languages in a relationship is shuperu. I don’t know if it falls under physical touch or acts of service. All I know is that when I am dating someone and I love them, I want to express it by giving them sexual gratification and I expect my partner to reciprocate the things I do to them.

Another thing is that I love to be in control of the bedroom. I like to control my partner and have them crawl beneath me and obey everything I instruct them to do. That is what gives me satisfaction. I found out the name for that is Femdom; female dominance. Although it originates from BDSM, I don’t hurt my partners or try to inflict any form of physical pain on them. I just enjoy telling them what to do and how to please me. I like it when I ask them to do something and they plead, “Please mistress, don’t make me do this. I don’t want to do it.” And I would insist, “Good boys get rewards for good behaviour, so be a good boy and obey me.” Of course, before we start anything, we give consent to whatever happens and there is a safe word to use if you want to stop, so nothing is forced on anyone.

As much as I like to be in control, I am also a switch. This means that I also like to be controlled. I would give up control and allow myself to be dominated when I am in the mood for it. I like working hand in hand with my partners to make us do uncomfortable things that would bring us pleasure, without involving physical pain. Even if we involve pain, It is mostly something very light. I basically just like getting rough and adventurous in bed.

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Here is where I have a problem. Sometimes, I feel shy to introduce my kinks to a new partner. So I suppress my needs and stick to the vanilla way of doing things. I enjoy that as well but it is not what I want and it doesn’t satisfy me properly. However, I put up with it because I am afraid of being judged. The question I ask myself is, “What if I tell him this is what I like and he sees me as a rotten woman?” I have had some men look at me strangely when I tried to slowly introduce them to my kinks. The strange look to me translates as, “What is wrong with this person?” I don’t want someone thinking of me differently just because of my sexuality.

Another reason I don’t talk about my preference is the fear that a man would lose respect for me after we have done something kinky. They may fall out of love with me or think of me as someone who is not marriage material. And I would hate to lose a good man because of something like this. So I just suppress my desires and act like I don’t have any fantasy I want to indulge in. But now I am tired. I want to be true to myself and be honest about my needs with my partner. That is why I want to know if there is anyone like me out here. I want to learn how to say what I want without coming across as someone who is spoilt.

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I am also wondering if there are men out here who would be comfortable dating a woman like me. Would you allow a woman to dominate you in the bedroom without thinking any less of her? Would you think someone who has kinky sexual preferences is rotten?

–Adiepena

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