We all have habits. Some we grew up with, and others we picked up along the way. Some habits are commendable, like washing your plates immediately after eating or saving some money after you get paid. Others are terrible, like not washing your hands after visiting the loo or picking your nose in public. My husband’s habit is terrible.

We live in a single, one-room apartment. The bedroom, kitchen, living space, and all our possessions are cramped into one big box. We are a family of four. When we have guests, we all have to squeeze ourselves into one corner to give our visitor a little space to sleep. It is the least we can do. Yet, this is precisely when my husband insists on having his way with me.

We have been married for three good years, and this has happened more than five times.

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The first time was when my former roommate visited us. She came over, and while she was sitting right there, my husband was beside us, winking, blinking, and throwing signals that he wanted sex. I had to leave her to attend to him. He did not care at all.

The second time was on our wedding day. I got married in my village, so we could not leave the same day. Even with so many people around in a hot, crowded space, he showed no respect and still demanded sex.

Whenever I try to refuse, he forces himself on me.

He did the exact same thing when his siblings came to visit. Everyone was packed into the room, but he did not care. He just started running his hands over me and had his way. We went somewhere and did it.

The most recent incident, just a few days ago, takes the cake. That is why I am writing to you. Earlier in the day, he called asking if a work colleague could spend the night. A work colleague! Not even a family member I could easily accommodate. What happened to his own house?

I said no at first. He pleaded, saying, “We have an early start tomorrow and need to travel together for the job. He won’t be a bother.” After much hesitation, I agreed. They arrived, and I cooked, served their food, and arranged a specific corner for the guest to sleep.

Later that night, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I didn’t budge. I felt another tap, opened my eyes, and saw my husband leaning over me. I was sleeping on the side of the room with our children. He was already on top of me, demanding sex.

“What about your visitor?” I whispered.

“He can’t hear anything,” he answered.

I refused to allow it. What if the kids woke up and heard the sounds? More importantly, what if his colleague woke up and saw us? Intimacy is supposed to be private and sacred between a husband and wife, not exposed to roaming eyes. I said no, but he insisted. He tried to pull off my wrapper, but I held onto it tightly. We were whispering back and forth while his eyes grew red and wild.

Whenever I refuse, he seems to take it as a challenge to try harder, forcing himself on me. I managed to push him off, tied my wrapper securely, and walked out of the room. He followed me outside, “I paid your bride price in full! Ask your father, ask your elders. You are mine. I own you. You are my property, and you have no right to refuse me whenever I ask for it.”

I will not refuse my husband sex, but what I will deny him is trying to act out an adult film with me.

What is the meaning of him having sex with me when we have visitors in the room? Is he trying to expose my nakedness to the world, or is this some kind of trophy thing for him?

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Currently, the fire on the mountain is him threatening me with divorce. “I will divorce you and go and marry someone else, you bet. You are my wife, but you are denying me. I will leave you.”

Do I want to leave him? No. This is a matter I believe can be handled. I want to understand how to go about it. I want to tell him and make him understand that this attitude of his is a recipe for disaster. I don’t want this to keep happening, but I also don’t want my marriage to end because of it. I want him to understand that there are some things you simply cannot force on your wife, no matter how much you want them.

— Yvonne

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