I’ve been with this man for nine years. We got married traditionally three years ago but we don’t live together as husband and wife. He has a business in his hometown that he is running. That’s where he lives, in his family’s home with his sister.

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I have noticed that whenever he is home in his hometown, he becomes too busy to talk to me. It’s like clockwork. Three days after he gets there, he stops answering my phone calls, nor does he respond to my messages.

Meanwhile, he is always on his phone when he is with me. He would be chatting, and receiving phone calls at regular intervals. Some of these calls interrupt our conversations. He’d pick up and tell me “shhh” while signalling me to keep quiet. This same Paa, when he is away and I call him, he picks up and tells me, “I am with company, let me call you back.”

Then he would go off and sometimes I won’t hear from him until a few days to his visit to me. His behaviour made me check his phone one day. I haven’t been the same since that day.

I saw messages between him and a distant cousin of his. He was honest with me in the past that before he met me, he was very interested in her. I thought all of that was over but their messages made me feel betrayed.

They joked about how if they had ended up together, she would be crazy about him like I am. They discussed issues I had shared with him privately. Even my complaints about how his inconsistent behaviour hurt me, he told her.

When I confronted him he didn’t tell me anything substantial. He dismissed everything I read as jokes and offered me a weak apology.

It’s sad that even after we’ve had two children together, he still acts distant whenever I’m not around. I’m the one left taking care of the kids, and now that we’ve both lost our jobs, I can’t relocate and go be with him.

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However, I hate feeling like I’m only his wife when I’m physically with him. When he is away and I can’t reach him, I call his sister. She always tells me he is not home. My question is, where does he go?

He doesn’t drink when he’s with me, but when he’s over there, he drinks. The day I found out he told me, it was because business in his hometown isn’t financially profitable. “I keep making losses,” he said.

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I know he is just making excuses. My main concern is, what else does he do when he is over there? Are there any more vices he indulges that I am not aware of?

I’m not happy. How can I bridge the distance between us? Or should I just focus on my kids and let him live his life?

—Grace 

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