My husband wants me to apologize to his ex to save my marriage. I told him I would never apologize, so he should do his worst. Currently, we don’t talk. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m right, so listen to my story and be the judge.

My husband had a certain girlfriend long before I came into the picture. He dated other women in between before he met me, but he still talked about that particular lady, Mabel, when I asked about his ex.

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We were then dating and getting to know each other, but one day, he unknowingly called her the love of his life who got away. I asked why he didn’t marry her, and he told me the lady had bigger dreams than he could afford at that time. When I asked where she was, he told me it had been a very long time, so he didn’t know her whereabouts.

And then we got married after dating for four years. Out of the blue, he told me I should guess who said hello to him on Instagram, and I was like, “Eiii, are you even active on Instagram? I didn’t know ooo.” He said Mabel had said hello to him, and they talked. She was married and living with her husband abroad. He went on and on, telling me how she had grown fat and how he wouldn’t have noticed her if they met in person.

I listened to him half-attentively because I didn’t know what I needed that information for. But as time went on, he kept talking about Mabel and what she had told him and how she made him laugh and all. I was getting angry. How could a man easily talk about his ex to his wife like that? I gave him signs that I didn’t want to hear him talk about her, but somehow, this lady kept appearing in our conversations.

So one day, I went cold when he started talking about her. He asked why, and I told him his connection with his ex wasn’t a movie he should narrate to me. I found it unsettling that at his age, he would still be talking about a woman he dated when he was a boy. “You have two children with me, but you hardly talk about your children with me. What’s special about this Mabel that you won’t let my ears rest?”

I will agree if you tell me I went too far, but that should paint exactly how my frustration looked. He got jumpy and defensive. He called me jealous and insecure and even questioned my status as a good wife. I was happy my concern got him rattled. I knew for sure it would be the last time he would talk about her.

A year later, he came home with a box that looked like it had travelled across the seas. I asked where he got it from, and he frowned before mentioning, “Mabel.” I asked if she had come, and he said yes while looking away. I asked if he went to meet her, and he asked, “If I didn’t, how would I have gotten this box?”

I was so angry I didn’t wait to see what was inside the box. Later, he gave dresses and shoes to the kids and children’s watches too. I knew they came from the box. He himself changed his shoes and all of a sudden had new pairs of sneakers. I assumed they came from Mabel. I was angry, but if there was something in the box for me, maybe it would have calmed my raging heart, knowing Mabel acknowledged that he had a wife. But there was nothing for me.

I got triggered, but I didn’t ask him any questions. All of a sudden, he wanted the children dressed in only the things Mabel gave them. He specifically looked for those things and put them on them. I was boiling on the inside, but I didn’t want to make any move for him to question my state of mind.

And then one evening, I saw a call on his phone. The caller was Mabel. I don’t know what came over me, but I immediately flared up. I picked up the call. When she heard my voice, she pulled the brakes. I said, “I’m his wife. You can leave a message.” She stuttered before telling me I should tell him she called. I said, “I know who you are, and I will plead with you to stay away from my husband. He’s married now, and I know you won’t be happy if your husband’s ex behaved the way you’re behaving towards my husband.”

She said sorry before hanging up the call. When my husband came around, I told him Mabel called, but because he wasn’t around, I picked up the phone. Come and see theatrics. I can’t even put everything into words. “What gives you the audacity to pick up my phone? What did you tell her? Who even asked you to answer my phone? When did you start picking up my calls?”

I didn’t answer any of his questions. When I realized he was getting aggressive, I walked away from the scene. Maybe when I was gone, he called Mabel to ask what I said, and she told him. He walked briskly towards me, shouting, “You’re my wife, and so what? Aware papa bɛn that you won’t let people rest? When was the last time you gave me a gift? But look at what she brought me and the kids. Can you?”

I sat quietly, looking at him like a stranger I met on the train. He went on and on until I got to my feet and screamed back, “Are you saying all these to me because of a woman who disappeared and appeared out of nowhere? All of a sudden, our marriage isn’t worth talking about? Thanks for letting me know.”

While walking away, he said, “You have to call her and apologize, or else you’ll never know peace in this marriage.” I retorted, “You can go and bring her to live with us. I still will not apologize. Apologize for telling her the truth? If I did what you’re doing with your ex, would you be happy?”

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It’s been weeks. We are living like strangers. He doesn’t talk to me, but I don’t care. I hear him loudly on the phone talking to Mabel. Sometimes he’s unnecessarily loud just so I know who he’s talking to. I don’t care. I don’t make a wimp and I think that makes him livid so he starts acting out.

He still expects an apology from me and also wants me to pick up the phone and say sorry to his ex. I’ve said apologies very often since we got married, even when I wasn’t wrong, I said sorry but this time, nothing will push me to offer that apology. Not in hell and not in heaven. Or you believe I’m wrong?

—Christel   

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