I had a child when I was nineteen. It was my classmate’s father who forcibly did it with me and got me pregnant. I was shattered but the pregnancy made things worse. I didn’t want to keep it, looking at how it happened but my parents forced me to keep it because it was a sin to get rid of a child.

I was forced twice—forced to have shuperu and forced to keep the result of the shuperu. I hated my life, hated my parents and hated men especially. Anytime I saw my stomach getting bigger, I cursed the day I was born.

I gave birth to a boy but he couldn’t survive. He died three months after birth. Maybe he saw the bitterness around him and decided to leave my life alone. The unfortunate thing was, I had come to love him. He was the only thing that clung to me. He died when the love was growing.

I swore never to have anything to do with any man. Even the voice of a man got me triggered. With prayers and counselling from wise family members and friends, I slowly let the pain go. But I didn’t open up to any man until I met the man who married me two months ago.

I told him my story right from the start. I told him why I didn’t want to be intimate with him until marriage. He agreed though he protested from the beginning and somewhere in the middle. He made attempts on me and those attempts got me triggered. The good thing was, he stopped anytime I resisted him.

Two months ago we got married. I was in my wedding dress in the hotel room when my husband wanted to fire. I was tired and looking for breathing space but all he wanted was to have me in one piece. I took off my gown and presented myself to him as a gift on a gold plate.

He was happy going in and out with a smiling face. I closed my eyes. I prayed for him to finish quickly so I could sleep. He went on and on and on as if he wanted to take the ones I didn’t give when we were dating. He woke me up at dawn and repeated the deed. In the morning, I started despising him for no reason.

And it’s been like this since. I try my best to avoid his presence. When he’s in the hall, I would be in the bedroom. Immediately he enters the bedroom, I go to the kitchen. In the night, I beg him not to touch me. I beg him to sleep far from me. Sometimes he gets angry and sleeps in the hall or he’ll push me out of the bedroom and lock the door.

It’s been chaotic. He asked me if I wanted a divorce. We agreed I needed help through therapy. I’ve accepted to go but I doubt therapy will do anything for me. We’ll end up throwing money away because I’m not sure about what’s happening. Am I reacting this way because of my past? I don’t know. I let the past go so many years ago.

How The Death Of Our Son Nearly Brought Our Marriage To An End

It pains me to see my husband frustrated. That shows I love him but why can’t I give him what he wants? I desperately need a breakthrough before I lose everything.

—Esi Mansa

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