I was doing my service and studying for my masters in 2021, when I met KK. He was also working and schooling at the same time, so I welcomed him into my circle. I believed that having those kinds of people around you pushes you to the sky. We started off as friends, and with time, our friendship developed into a relationship. Dating him was not on the floor, today this, tomorrow that. We had plenty of problems to solve but plenty of love for each other to give.

During the relationship, KK cheated on me twice, but I chose to forgive him. I loved the man, and with everything in me believed that it rained everywhere, and besides, whatever pushed him to cheat on me, we could work it out. Also the fact that I also removed two pregnancies. Each of the two times, he said to me, “Baby, it is not the right time, there is a right time for everything and this is not the right time.” It was true, it was not the right time, so I let it go.

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At one point, my father personally spoke to KK over the phone and invited him to visit our family home. For days my father sat down in the living room waiting for his guest and he did not show up or call to give a reason why. It was at this point my father started disliking him. He did not even want to hear me talk about him. If I was talking to him, he would pass by and make comments like, “Is that your untrained boyfriend that you are talking to?”

So we broke up, not because of my father, maybe partly, but it was not only that. We were stuck in the relationship. I started feeling like the relationship was not progressing because anytime I brought up the topic of marriage, there was always one excuse or another. “Let me finish the contract, let us finish school.” One thing after the other. He pushed the conversation back or diverted from answering it. It was tiring. One day, when it dawned on me like that, I decided to end the relationship. I stopped answering his calls and avoided his visits. I focused on work and tried to move on with my life.

Then one day, while I was asleep at home, KK kept calling my phone repeatedly. When someone you ended all communication with calls you incessantly, you think of the worst that was happening to him. I was worried, so I answered. He had undergone surgery and was hospitalized. The next day, I visited him at the hospital with items he needed during his admission. Without fail, I cleaned him, visited him, cooked for him. Nurses and patients on admission were asking if we were together. I said no.

Around this same time, I met EL at my place of work. From the beginning, he made his intentions very clear. “I want to marry you.” Very straight to the point. He wanted to marry me. Even though I felt it was too sudden, he was sincere and even wanted to meet my parents. At the pace at which he wanted us to go, I decided to go all out with my truth. I told him about KK and also explained that I was still helping him recover after surgery. EL understood and even supported me.

One day, EL dropped me off to visit KK and waited for me nearby. After my visit, KK decided to escort me, and that was when he met EL. They greeted each other politely. They did not get into a fight. KK started calling me nonstop, asking many questions. “Have you moved on? Who is that man? Do you know you are breaking my heart?” He begged me to reconsider what we had. “I am willing to marry you. Let us get married right now.”

Sincerely, it was a very difficult time for me because EL treated me well. He was the man who waited for me to sit before he did. His hands were always at my back when we were walking. He was calling me every minute of the hours. He was that guy, very kind. And you do not just let go of this kind of man; they are rare to find. But I did. My father did not want me to. Morning and night he drummed it into my ears. “Choose EL, choose EL.” As if I did not have a hard time already, my father, who was on EL’s side, made it worse trying to argue his case for him. KK was there and I chose him.

The following year, we got married. Sadly, my father refused to attend the wedding because he still had unresolved issues with KK. Today, we have a beautiful baby girl together.

To be fair, KK does his best to provide for us and takes care of our needs and wants. But there are emotional needs of mine that are thrown outside the door like they do not matter. There are issues in the marriage that are affecting me emotionally. My husband, KK, is very, extremely secretive with his phone. He carries it everywhere, even to the bathroom, locks doors while using it, and refuses to let me touch it. If you like, touch it and see. Oh, you try it and see what will happen. This same phone is heavily password protected, and he even set an alarm that goes off loudly if I try to access it.

One day, I casually asked him to unlock his phone so I could use it, but he refused. “What do you want to use it for that you cannot use yours?” “Oh, I just want to use yours.” He refused to give it to me. He said nothing I will say will make him give me his phone. Another time, I hid his phone just to see his reaction. The way that man reacted scared me. He became frantic, searching everywhere. He was sweating heavily, restless, and visibly panicked. His eyes were red, and he looked like a vampire who had been starved of blood for weeks. When I saw how badly he was reacting, I quickly brought the phone out of its hiding place.

We have talked about this issue many times, but nothing is changing. I no longer have concrete evidence that he is cheating, but he looks like a duck so he is a duck. This same man cheated on me twice during our dating period. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, and the emotional stress is becoming overwhelming. I can barely sleep at night. I turn and turn on the bed. Sometimes I watch him snore and think, ‘What is the worst this man is doing behind my back?’

Things between us have become distant, very far. We do not even connect emotionally. On most days, he is either sleeping in the hall or on the sofa, and it feels like we are simply living as roommates. In fact, that is what we are at this point in our marriage. He ignored our anniversary, the day we made an oath before God and families and friends. Then my birthday, and even Mother’s Day. I did not get a common Mother’s Day or a gift. Nothing. I cannot see it in his eyes, how far and detached he is from our world. It is just about him, himself and only him. Nothing about me concerns him. I have suggested marriage counselling. “It is not necessary,” he tells me. But it is for couples like us, who have missed the spice in marriage, who look like roommates.

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I will not lie, I am emotionally exhausted and broken. I have considered taking my baby and going away for a short vacation just to clear my mind. I also wish I could visit my parents, but my father is still hurt and upset that I chose KK over EL. He will tell me, “I told you so.” This is not a competition that he should win but.

Right now, I truly feel lost and in need of help and guidance from people with experience in marriage and relationships.

—Gladys

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