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I am the woman who said my husband doesn’t allow me to visit my parents. Remember me? A lot of you made many assumptions, so I thought I should come back and explain what really happened.

Some people asked what my parents did or what caused the problem. Some blamed me for allowing it to happen, while others said my husband was controlling me. A few even suggested it had something to do with the bride price.

The matter is a long one, but I will try as much as possible to keep it brief.

First of all, as a woman and a mother, I cannot simply sit down and decide that I am not going to visit my parents. During the first year of my marriage, I visited them countless times without my husband’s knowledge, but whenever he found out, he created a scene over it. Eventually, I sat him down and told him that if he had issues with my parents, those issues should remain between them and not involve me.

The problem started when we were preparing for our wedding.

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There were disagreements over the dowry between my parents and my husband. My husband had no support, not even from his own parents, so he was expected to shoulder everything by himself. He asked my parents to reduce some of the items on the list, but they refused. They insisted that what they requested was not excessive and that since he wanted to marry me, he should be prepared to provide everything.

The issue created a lot of tension. At one point, they even told him that if he could not meet the requirements, he should forget about marrying me. Looking back, I believe it was because of the love and understanding we shared that he pushed through and managed to provide everything they requested. I also supported him financially and contributed toward the dowry.

Unfortunately, things did not get better after the wedding.

On the second day of our marriage, my father called and said he wanted to see me immediately. That upset my husband because he felt my parents should allow him some time to enjoy being with his wife after all the stress, pressure, and embarrassment he felt he had gone through during the dowry negotiations. He allowed me to go that day, but when the calls became more frequent and my parents kept asking to see me, he became increasingly angry.

Since then, he has never been comfortable with me visiting them. Whenever I bring it up, he refuses.

When I became pregnant and was approaching delivery, I asked him to allow my mother to come and help me with omugwo, the cherished Igbo postpartum tradition where an older female relative, usually the new mother’s mother or mother-in-law, stays with the family to care for both mother and baby after childbirth. Since his parents lived far away and my family was nearby, I felt it was only practical.

After much persuasion, he finally agreed and my mother came.

Not long before the naming ceremony, another issue arose. This time, it was over the baby’s dedication and name. The disagreement became so serious that we were almost at the brink of divorce. It was my mother-in-law who eventually stepped in and helped settle the matter.

Even after everything was resolved, the problem remained.

Whenever I tell my husband that I want to visit my parents, he refuses. I only inform him out of respect, not because I believe I need permission. Still, he does not allow me to go.

There have been times when I went behind his back, but whenever he found out, it caused serious problems between us. Now that we have relocated to another state, I do not know what to do. If I decide to visit my parents secretly, as I sometimes did before, he will eventually find out because I would have to spend a few days with them. Again, I am not asking for permission. I am informing him because I respect him as my husband.

I should also add that he is a caring and faithful husband. He always puts me and our child first, and he provides for us in every way he can. This is the only issue I have with him, but it affects me deeply. I do not even have close friends I can talk to about it.

Late last year, I told him that he needed to let go of whatever grudge he had because they are my parents and I cannot simply erase them from my life. To my surprise, he told me he no longer had any grudge against them and that his heart was completely free of bitterness.

However, he also said something that left me even more confused.

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He said he had no problem with my parents anymore, but that the time for me to start visiting them had not yet come. Till today, I still do not understand what that means. That is why I am confused. I do not know what to think or what to say anymore, and right now, we are not even on speaking terms because of this issue.

—LINDA

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