When my husband asked if I have ever been pregnant, I said no. I don’t know why I lied. I guess I didn’t want him to blame me for our inability to conceive. Also, I hid the fact that I was secretly trying to get pregnant before he said we should start trying for a baby. I felt that if he knew how long I had been off my birth control, he would be very worried that I still got my period every month.

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So here is the thing. When we got married two years ago, we agreed that we would wait before having kids. The plan was for us to enjoy our lives together as a couple before kids start coming in. That’s how I got on birth control, to prevent unplanned pregnancy.

Although I knew that when we have kids it would change things for us, I got baby fever whenever a friend of mine had a baby and I went to visit them. I started thinking, “Who says when we have a child, we won’t be able to have quality time together as a couple anymore?”

I didn’t tell my husband about my strong urge for motherhood. I just stopped taking the pills in hopes that I would get pregnant. It didn’t happen. My period came like clockwork. I was constantly disappearing when it happened but I kept saying to myself, “I just started trying. Maybe I need to try for a longer period before it happens.”

While I was still working at it my husband told me, “Babe, I know we agreed to wait for a while but I think I  am ready for us to start a family.”

I gladly said yes. However, after a few months with no news of, “I missed my period,” he started getting worried.

“Are you sure you are off the pills?”

“Have you ever been pregnant?”

I have. It happened before I met him. I was determined to have the baby but I was under a lot of stress. My blood pressure was constantly high as a result. Needless to say, I lost the pregnancy. My partner at the time was a strong support system for me during that difficult time. However, my grief was so strong that it clouded everything in the relationship. We broke up when holding on to each other became too painful.

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That awful experience is not something I like to talk about. So sometimes I just take it as if it never happened. Now I am feeling guilty about lying to my husband.

I can tell he is very sad about our situation. Maybe if he knows that I have conceived in the past, it will calm him down. However, it could also make him worry that the miscarriage is the reason I can’t get pregnant now. That’s why I kept the past hidden from him. I didn’t want to add to his worries.

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I suggested that we consult a specialist. “Maybe they will make us run a series of tests to see if there’s something wrong with any of us.” But he said, “No, I don’t think we’re at that point yet. We’ve only been trying for a year.”

I want to help our situation but if he won’t let us go to a doctor, what else can I do?

—Bella

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