When I met Yaw, he wanted us to get married immediately. I was quite young and unprepared for marriage. I didn’t have a job. I had not even completed tertiary school. Although he seemed responsible, caring, thoughtful, and very understanding, I didn’t want to become a burden to him in marriage. So I told him, “I want to complete school and get a job first. It is only then I will think about settling down.”
He assured me, “I am not going anywhere. I will wait for you.” And whenever I needed help with school, he stepped up and offered me his help. After school, I got a job with his help, and our relationship became more serious than it used to be.
When we had our first shuperu I was stunned to see what he had to offer. I had never seen a man look like that down there so I was very confused. “How is this possible?” I heard myself ask him. He answered, “I had a birth defect down there so I had to undergo some surgeries to correct it. This is what I was left with after everything was over.” His thing was so little that I was sure it couldn’t get me pregnant.
I asked him a lot of questions about it. I also asked myself a lot of questions. I wondered if I would be okay with his size for the rest of my life. And the truth is, he was good at using it. He knew several ways to give me orgasms. So the sex wasn’t bad. I also loved him so much that I was sure everything would be fine.
Two years into the relationship, we got married. Before we got married, I tried to get him to go for a medical check up but his pride as a man did not allow him to go through with it. I didn’t mind at first. I thought I could handle everything because I was deeply in love. However, after so many years of marriage with no pregnancy, the pressures from society started getting to us.
He started getting frustrated because he was not getting any younger and neither was I. All his mates and siblings were having kids of their own. My siblings and friends were also having kids. So we were really worried. I started visiting different hospitals and fertility centres. I was told that I had hormonal imbalance but that was not the reason I couldn’t conceive. Before I met my husband, I had an abortion. So I knew I was fertile enough to have children.
All I needed was to get some supplements for my body. He, on the other hand, always refused to follow me to the hospital to run tests. When I tried to push him he would tell me, “I can’t go and undress myself in front of doctors and nurses. Try and understand.” Understand? I was angry. We both knew that he was the problem yet he refused to get help. To show my displeasure, I became distant toward him.
After a while, I resorted to traditional medicine. Although he was the one who needed to be cured, I took the medications alongside him, so he wouldn’t feel like the problem in the marriage. As hard as I tried to share the burden with him, Yaw was not pushing himself hard enough to find the solution to our problems.
Whenever I tried to get him to run tests so we could have a proper diagnosis, he would tell me, “Why are we trying so hard to get pregnant when we can adopt a child?” I didn’t agree with him.
So one midnight he called me and suggested, “Why don’t you try and sleep with another man so we see if you can get pregnant? I also know that I am not able to satisfy you properly in bed so go ahead and get someone to do that for you. I just ask that when it happens, you don’t tell me about it. It will hurt me to know.” He is very emotional and a bit soft when it comes to matters of the heart so I understood his request that I hide it from him.
Most importantly, I had no interest in going outside the marriage in search of a child. I told him I wouldn’t get involved with another man. “I am happy with everything we have so you don’t have to worry about satisfying me. As for the baby, God will give us a miracle. Let’s just keep praying.” This man refused to accept my decision. He kept bringing up the topic of another man. “You are almost thirty, and I am thirty-five. We don’t have time to waste,” he would often say.
I tried to stick to my guns but I am only human. The pressures of life got intense and I wavered. I gave in to my husband’s request and started going out with the mindset of getting pregnant with another man’s baby for my husband without his knowledge. I did my best so my extramarital activities wouldn’t affect the marriage in any way.
Now, I am pregnant. This is the second one. The first one resulted in a miscarriage. A guy I was seeing was the one who got me pregnant both times. He is the only man I have been with, besides my husband. And I ended things with him the moment I found out about this pregnancy. Everything was good when my husband didn’t know I was with another man.
Now, he knows. He found out that I was not truthful to him about some travels I had in the past two and a half years. He put two and two together and came to the conclusion that I had an affair which led to the first and this current pregnancy. He is badly hurt. He said my behaviour changed toward him during these past years. “You were not emotionally present in the marriage,” he complained.
He is not wrong. I developed feelings for the guy I was seeing. That’s why I ended things immediately after I found out I was pregnant. We dated for two and a half years and he was wonderful throughout. However, I got what I was looking for so I had to let him go.
My problem now is my husband. He is hurting because of what happened. Although he was the one who suggested it, I didn’t fulfil my end of the bargain. I couldn’t hide it well from him. And now that he knows, we have been having arguments and little fights for two months now. He is in a really bad place. And I feel bad about all of it.
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I keep saying I am sorry but he doesn’t want to hear any of it. I tell him, “I did it for us.” And he says, “When this whole thing started, I had my suspicions. I even confronted you about it and you blatantly denied it. You lied straight to my face.” I don’t understand him. After asking me to make sure he doesn’t find out if I am having an affair, did he expect me to admit it when he asked me about it?
He has been giving me the silent treatment for the past week. This is affecting me emotionally. I am scared that our marriage will not survive this. I am also concerned about the pregnancy. I am five months along. I should cut out stress but the fear of losing my husband is making me think so much that I am beginning to worry that I would lose the pregnancy. And all of this would have been for nought. Please, I want to save my marriage. What should I do?
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—Nhyira
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My dear you were not supposed to listen to your husband in the first place. Just apologise to him. Think carefully so as not to make any decision that will lead to any miscarriage. Don’t forget to pray. Prayer can do many wonderful things. If you give birth to this ,then pray for next one to be from your husband. Communicate all the time. Talk during good and bad times. Lies will always end up heart people around you. Seek therapy too. Take your husband out on picnics and dates it would bring some change. Also involve an elderly person if need be.
Let your husband understand that the harm has already been done and it’s useless to cry over spilt milk. You can do it, you’re a woman, you know how. Every problem gravitates towards it’s solution. But trust me violence and lies will not help. It’s a shared responsibility. Know that you are in it together, Since he suggested it don’t allow him to distance himself, get him to care. For instance let him know you hurt when you see him cold, distanced etc. It’s not easy but it’s possible. Considering your story you’re an obedient and faithful wife. Hence with God your problem is not beyond solution. Stay blessed.
This is a tough one. Your husband has to accept the primary responsibility. Nothing you did or said would have pleased him, after another man touched you. Now you have to assure him that
1. You love him far more than the other guy, who is even ugly.
2. Tell him that you didn’t enjoy sex with the other guy like you do with him; after all it was only once and it was rushed.
3. Don’t tell outrageous lies. They say lie close to the truth, so don’t go and tell him about ivf.
4. Take care of yourself for the baby’s sake, but prepare gradually for a breakup. He might not be able to get over this.
You think women are not smart ani? The guy is not ugly biaa. You think she will pick an ugly guy for one time breeding purpose. The point I wanted to put across with the ivf is that what makes this different from using a sperm donor except the Penis of the guy who impregnated her was inserted into her vigiana instead of a rubber tube/syringe been used in artificial insemination? Besides clearly from the story, the husband was told after the surgeries that the potential to be infertile is high. He should have been bold and go to the hospital with the wife to seek help. Sometimes some men are weak….
Nhyira, you fell for your husbands lies. It happened when Sarah asked Abraham to sleep with their maid to bear a child but became jealous after the birth of Ishmeal. Yours is the reverse.
Now to the substantive questions. Start treating your husband like a king. Understand that this pregnancy could be similar to ivf. Undo your confession if necessary and tell him you were just joking/pranking him. Let him understand you never knew he has a faint hearted ❤️ like that. Change the story to ivf at one of the numerous clinics you attended if he insist you cheated. Tell him you are sorry for going to the clinic alone. You agree he should have been a part of the entire process. Above all, pray that God will forgive you and also soften your husband’s heart. Thank you
My wife asked if she could get pregnant by someone else.
What was your response to your wife request? Did you allow your wife to get pregnant by another man?
I cannot have kids. My wife wants 1. Recently she asked if I would be supportive of her conceiving with another man. I told her I needed to think about it. The next evening I gave her a pregnancy test and told her if I could do more to let me know.
Did your wife get pregnant? How long did it take for the other man to get you wife pregnant? Did you end up having more children even though you were looking for one?