Let me preface this by saying that I love my mother very much. And I would not trade her for any other. If there is a next life I would choose her to be my mum all over again. She has done everything since we were kids to give us a loving family and a loving home. Kids used to visit us and wish they had a mum like ours. She is an amazing woman, truly. Everyone who ever met her walked away feeling special. Even when someone tried to pick a fight with her, she would just ignore the person. My father could not even do anything to ruffle her feathers. This is the kind of mother I grew up loving.
However, she has experienced some changes that I am sure has to do with age. These changes have automatically transformed my mother into an unpleasant person. My entire family is still in shock because of her new personality. We cannot wrap our minds around the fact that our sweet and warm mother has turned into someone nobody wants to deal with.
People who enjoy her company now avoid her like they would, the coronavirus. Instead of smiles, she now leaves people with a bitter taste in their mouths. The saddest part is, she has become so sharp-tongued that we her family are even afraid of stepping on her toes. We learned to be afraid of her the hard way. It happened when we first noticed the change in her behaviour. We tried to bring her attention to it. We were not confrontational or anything of the sort.
We just calmly sat her down and told her, “Mama, we have seen something different about you. And it is making everyone uncomfortable. These days you get angry easily even at things you wouldn’t usually get angry at. Is anything the matter? What can we do to help?” She flared up and gave us the insults of our lives. Since then, any attempt to talk to her about her behaviour incites war in the house. Even my father, who is her husband is not spared from her wrath. Because of this, they are having serious problems in their marriage.
I don’t remember the last time there was peace in our home. We have been patient, hoping, and praying that she would get better but she is only getting worse. Our neighbours complain bitterly about her, and it’s always heartbreaking to hear their reports. Now, she is convinced that we all don’t like her. “All you do is complain about me. I am your mother yet you don’t like me.” We have tried our best to convince her that we love her yet she is still very insecure.
I am a grown man, with a good job by God’s grace. I want to settle down but my mother’s attitude is hindering me. A few months ago, I travelled to the States and met a lovely woman. The moment I saw her I knew she was the one for me. The connection was instant, and so I did not waste time proposing marriage to her. She also accepted my proposal immediately. “Will you go to Ghana with me to meet my family?” I asked her. She was nervous at first, “What if they meet me and decide they don’t like me? Will you leave me then?” I shook my head, “Nonsense. Have you met yourself? You have so much charm that they won’t know what hit them. They will love you instantly, just as I did.” So my woman came home with me to meet my family.
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My people were excited to meet her, and they loved her. I had hoped that my dear mother would at least be on her best behaviour for my fiancee’s sake but it has not been the case. She has not directed her unpleasant behaviour at Malia but she has done it to others in her presence. So now, the woman I want to marry is terrified of my mother. She has seen my mother’s outbursts and violent reactions to very small issues so she is reluctant to proceed with our marriage plans. She keeps telling me, “How can I marry you knowing the kind of mother-in-law I am going to be saddled with? She is going to cause problems in our marriage and I will have no one to blame but myself.” It is breaking my heart that I might lose the woman of my dreams because of my mother.
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I tried to convince Malia that my mother has not always been the way she is now, “Anyone you talk to will tell you that my mother is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. She is just going through some changes but we are sure she will revert to her old self soon enough. Give her a chance.” My siblings also said sweet things about our mum to her but seeing is believing. She has seen enough to advise herself against marrying me. I am devastated.
My siblings and I have tried to talk to our mum but every time we do that she just readjusts her behaviour to become worse. You would think we are pouring gasoline on fire. I have prayed ceaselessly but I am yet to see any results. I don’t know what else to do now. We love her very much but she keeps giving us headaches. Please how do I convince my fiancee not to leave me because of my mother?
–Kay
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An obvious medical condition you are glossing over. Get attention for her immediately. Pray hard but please avoid Prayer Camps and unscrupulous men of God. Wish you the best.
Some forms of dementia present with aggression as kne of the symptoms. She needs medical help.
She has menopause .So it’s normal for someone her age to do this thing, mind you menopause varies from patient to patient. As I see it hers is anger please be patient for her .Take her to see a doctor and alsotry as much as possible to remind her of the old good times it might put her in a good mood. Also take her out to experience new things it might bring her some joy.Good luck my dear ,never give up.
Send her to a psychiatrist . Don’t delay
First, will your wife have to stay with your mother ? If not, then what exactly is her problem? Secondly, she is a woman, it could happen to her, she should read about menopause.
Also, about your mom, like others have suggested, take her to a doctor; she may need some hormonal meds to balance her hormones and mood. Don’t neglect her and blame her, just remind her of her good sides and let her know you miss it. Take her out once in a while to experience the world. (My mom is going through same and we just try to understand her and laugh over her anger and insults. Most times we even tease her with her actions and insults after she is done )
From your narrative you didn’t give her a heads up about your mother prior to the meeting. If you did she wouldn’t have been too surprised. I understand her because she cannot marry you and not have a relationship with your mother.
Going forward get your mother to see a psychiatrist and give your fiancee updates because at this moment what will reassure her is that you are seeking treatment and not only stories of how good/kind she used to be.